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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work socials

39 replies

Quietlonging · 10/04/2024 16:10

The number of work 'social' events I have to attend is really starting to get to me and I want to know if I'm being unreasonable.

They are normally a late night or an overnight stay. I would say there are about 6 a year and we are told quite clearly that everyone is 'expected' to attend. There are not client networking or business development - just the team. We don't pay for anything, it's all covered by the company. It's a corporate environment so nobody is sticking to 9-5 clock in and out but I think these requests for overnights and late nights are pushing it a bit. I hate being away from my young children and they hate me being away. Others have children but seem to love these excuses to stay away from them! AIBU to push back? I find it weird that these events seem mandatory and nobody else is annoyed by them!

OP posts:
Meganmeccano · 10/04/2024 16:11

What does your contract say ?

AlohaRose · 10/04/2024 16:14

Are you sure that nobody else minds? I mean this level of forced socialising at work including overnight stays must be difficult for other people with young children or caring responsibilities? Is it possible that several people are feeling unhappy about this but no one wants to be the one to mention it first?

Librarybooker · 10/04/2024 16:15

So if it’s something you regard as a job but not a career then I guess you could look around for something else. But if this is vital to career prospects then it’s maybe something you need to do

Kijuity · 10/04/2024 16:17

I think you just need to suck it up or move jobs. It's part of the company culture, its healthy to have the odd night away from your kids too. I wouldn't fight against it otherwise you're risking your job really- they'll start to see that your personality just doesn't fit with what they're trying to achieve within their company.

Charlingspont · 10/04/2024 16:17

YANBU. I turned down a job about 10 years ago because it required me to spend 3 nights away training at the start. I had a small child, and a husband who worked nights and who had therefore never done nights or much at all frankly, with our child. I simply could not have done it.

I also hate enforced work socials, even without the stress of leaving dependent children to attend. Check your contract, and if it's not in the contract, then make your position clear.

Riverlee · 10/04/2024 16:18

Six a year is a lot, especially if involving overnight stays. Do you get paid for going?

You may find that others secretly resent them, but there is a culture that everyone must go, so no one has dared to refuse.

Can you stick your head above the parapet and have ann alternative commitment?

Original poster
Quietlonging · 10/04/2024 16:22

I'm pretty senior and my career is on track so no worries there. Everyone else seems to think they're great fun. Its a huge company and not all teams do this - just ours. I think a meal a couple of times per year would do just fine for extra team building. I don't feel comfortable to stick my head above the parapet - they make loads of effort to find dates that work for everyone....

OP posts:
Original poster
Quietlonging · 10/04/2024 16:23

I am salaried - no extra pay for out of hours work which is occasionally expected (as is normal in my field). The key thing is that don't regard this as work!

OP posts:
Charlingspont · 10/04/2024 16:27

Quietlonging · 10/04/2024 16:22

I'm pretty senior and my career is on track so no worries there. Everyone else seems to think they're great fun. Its a huge company and not all teams do this - just ours. I think a meal a couple of times per year would do just fine for extra team building. I don't feel comfortable to stick my head above the parapet - they make loads of effort to find dates that work for everyone....

Yes, this is the problem - they send round emails asking people to state which dates they can make - I always want to say "none, ever". 😂

lanthanum · 10/04/2024 16:53

You could try "Sorry, I'm on bedtime duty with the kids in the evenings, so count me out. I'll try and make the Christmas one."
If they object, point out that work-life balance, for you, means being able to devote your non-working hours to your family, having given your work 100% focus during work hours.

QueenofTheBorg · 10/04/2024 16:56

God, I'd hate this too. I don't mind the odd one but once every 2 months is excessive. Especially as it's just your team. Do you have any anonymous way of giving feedback? Most bosses though won't challenge it if you say "I can't make it" - you don't need to give a reason, it's your time!

Kitkatfiend31 · 10/04/2024 17:27

Can't you just show your face for a bit then head home? But certainly just say sorry can't come if you'd rather not go at all.

Original poster
Quietlonging · 10/04/2024 17:31

I think it's the emphasis on getting everyone there - we must find a date that works for all - plus the clear expectation that we WILL attend which makes it so hard to refuse. I would have no problem with using childcare as an excuse for a casual work dinner. These events are made into such a big deal!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Quietlonging · 10/04/2024 17:31

Kitkatfiend31 · 10/04/2024 17:27

Can't you just show your face for a bit then head home? But certainly just say sorry can't come if you'd rather not go at all.

Yes but I'd realistically miss bedtime even doing that anyway.

OP posts:
CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine · 10/04/2024 17:33

Oh god this sounds like hell, I don’t attend any work social events at all as thankfully they are not mandatory and I am not the only one, it’s just a small group who seem to go to them and moan that no one else does - hint, it’s because we fucking hate them and don’t want to hang around after work.

I would just find somewhere else that doesn’t have this.

TuesdayWhistler · 10/04/2024 17:35

You tell them fucking NO.

If they sack or dismiss or any other course of action, sue the cunts.

And to remove any doubt, you tell them,
"I'm not going, and if you try to to punish me for the refusal, I'll sue for constructive dismissal or discrimination or anything else I can think of."

AffIt · 10/04/2024 17:38

Wow - I love a work social, I'm very fond of my colleagues and because I work remotely, most do involve a few days away from home, but six a year is a bit much. I have friends of 25 years + standing that I don't see as frequently.

Apart from anything else, surely that's not very inclusive for people who may have caring responsibilities for e.g., elderly parents?

You say you're quite senior: can't you use your position to influence this?

Blackcats7 · 10/04/2024 17:42

Surely this is discriminatory for anyone with caring responsibilities?

MiddleParking · 10/04/2024 17:46

TuesdayWhistler · 10/04/2024 17:35

You tell them fucking NO.

If they sack or dismiss or any other course of action, sue the cunts.

And to remove any doubt, you tell them,
"I'm not going, and if you try to to punish me for the refusal, I'll sue for constructive dismissal or discrimination or anything else I can think of."

Definitely do that. Sounds like a really normal and productive way to engage with the people you work with every day for your livelihood.

ringoffiire · 10/04/2024 17:49

Six times a year is a huge amount. I would expect two or maybe three. You should push back on it especially if you have children.

TuesdayWhistler · 10/04/2024 17:55

MiddleParking · 10/04/2024 17:46

Definitely do that. Sounds like a really normal and productive way to engage with the people you work with every day for your livelihood.

Show quote history

What doesn't sound normal to me is people mortgaging their limited healthy time on earth to attend functions and socials that they don't want to attend, don't have to attend and can easily refuse to attend... But will do so because they're unwilling to upset someone who has no issue upsetting them.

Job is a job is a job.
If you've swapped and sold your time away from your kids and family to one when you didn't have to, that's on you. You'll never get that time back and your employer is unlikely to give a shit if they need to sack you, no amount of butt eating and socials you've gone to will matter, it'll be "thanks for missing that very limited time with your kids, bye bye now, here's your P45.."

LlynTegid · 10/04/2024 18:17

Going to one or two a year, say around Christmas time and one other, would seem reasonable. For the others, politely decline and make excuses if you need to well in advance.

I work with some good interesting people, work with them being the operative words, not spend lots of time socialising.

UrbanFan · 10/04/2024 18:19

Put your foot down with a firm hand and don't go. It's your life and if these social events are not for you then just don't attend.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/04/2024 18:22

Get out of a couple by sudden illness in your child

They can't argue with that as it's not work

Original poster
Quietlonging · 10/04/2024 18:37

I've already done illness a few times! It's at the point now where I just have to say 'no' to some of them but there's a huge emphasis on everyone being there so it really would be going against the grain. Some of them are two day things!

OP posts:
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