Visiting your adult children

[worriedMiL33]

We usually visit for a weekend every few months.

However, husband has suggested that, as an alternative, we should visit for a few days during the week.

His reasoning is we could see them at breakfast, then go out for the day and then come back, have dinner and spend the evening with them.

I immediately said it's not a good idea as they work full time and it would be much more inconvenient for them and probably wouldn't want their parents rocking up after a full work day.

They both work hard in fairly stressful jobs and their downtime is usually on the weekend,

He's irritated cos he thinks I didn't give it enough thought, to me though, it's a no-brainer.

To my mind IANBU but am I missing something?

Ask them?

No that wouldn't be desirable at all for us, with young dc. Weekdays are for busy family life, work, pick ups, clubs, cooking, chores and grabbing any downtime we can before an early bed. Weekends are for socialising.

You both seem to have missed the step that says "find out from them what they prefer". Though what he suggests does sound like he wants to use them as a free hotel. (And let's face it - socialising over breakfast isn't going to happen)

Having to be compus mentus before work would drive me nuts, never mind the evening as well ! That’s what weekends are for.

It wouldn't work for me. I work from home and have found it quite distracting and inconvenient to have my parents stay on work days. So much so I've stopped agreeing to it, it's weekends or nothing.

Ask them.

my in laws usually visit mid week and they recently stayed for a weekend instead. It was absolute hell. Much prefer mid week when we can all have a break from eachother!

Yeah for me personally I'd not be happy with this. I love my parents to death but my quiet mornings to myself before work are vital to my survival and the survival of everyone around me at work.

I also like just whipping my bra across the room at the end of a work day and really relaxing with a book or podcast, which would be hard if I was hosting, even if it was my parents.

But really... Ask your kids! They might be aliens from outer space and love the idea.

God no! My MIL used to let herself into our house a couple of days a week, so she could be there when we got home from work. I have no idea why she thought this was a good idea? But the last thing I wanted when I got home from a day at work was to find any sort of relative there, who I then had to entertain. It ended up with us moving a lot further away!

Just ask them!
This is the route to problems!
Ask them what they would prefer, I'm sure they will be delighted.

It's their weekend that they're probably less willing to give up for visitors. Weekends are precious to full-time workers.
On the other hand, I'd quite like to have dinner cooked for me after work

For us, our entire load is reduced so it helps massively. From school runs to making dinner, to giving us time as a couple to go out. Depends on if you're going to help out, expect to be hosted, be in the way or just blend in. Ask them?

Do your kids have children? If not, it may work, but you would need their opinion as to whether that was suitable. If they have children, I can’t see it working.

If you intend to be helpful, help with school runs, start dinner, take to sports / clubs in the evening, they may love it. Especially as it would give them back another free weekend a month. If you intend to be hosted, they may not like it. The only way to know for sure is to ask them.

I can't believe no one is suggesting merely aksing ""them". They will surley know best??

@Spitalfieldrose christ that's madness, what was she thinking 😮

For me it would be lovely at some points of the year, hellish at others. I would just ask!

Thanks all for replies so far.

As is usual on MN, first post from @PiffleWiffleWoozle is on point, "Ask them?"

There are no children.

Asking it is then 😊seems so obvious now 🙈

I hope this is meant as a joke, but I confess I can't see it.

Out of the 13 replies before yours, the 1st, 3rd, 6th, 7th, 9th, 11th, 12th and 13th suggest asking them.

You are being unreasonable but only because you haven't thought to ask them what they prefer!

Depends really, no kids here and wouldn't really mind someone visiting during the week but they might find us more up to being entertaining in the evening on a weekend...I'm in bed asleep by 10 most work nights.

Maybe a hybrid - so Thurs/Friday and leave on Saturday or Sunday morning so they have a bit of time to themselves at the weekend.

or visit at weekend and go off and do your own thing.

Seems a bit odd to visit someone though and not want to spend some daytime with them...

It's weird that he came up with an idea, you rejected it (admittedly, on perfectly reasonable grounds), he got irritated because you 'didn't give it enough thought' -- but it took an anonymous internet forum to suggest asking the children!

@worriedMiL33

Yes it's obvious but sos many parents don't have think to ask their adult dc.
To see this mindset in action is interesting!

We've never let a parent stay over when we have work the next day. So we've only ever had them to stay at most Friday-Sunday for 20 years!
My morning routine is very rigid and I just want to get on with it without having to take anyone else into consideration/chat to anyone/make coffees.
I then WFH part of the week and couldn't do that with someone else in the house with me, or liable to pop back etc (as I'm often on client calls).

Personally I'd hate people staying during the week so YANBU. Depends on them though but I can't imagine many people would like this. I'm knackered during the week and don't want to have to entertain other people.

I freaking love weekday visits!!!! (As daughter/DIL).

ya get to have coffee with then, then come home to dinner with a few chores done. I always feel so loved and spoiled. Dog gets walked and loved! My god they are the best.

Best if you come for the weekend too, or at least part of it! So you get good visiting in too.

and I guess have the relationship where kids won’t mind that you vacuumed and cooked! My MIL is a horrible cook, so we insist on cooking when she’s around. But hubby cuts his days short to go home, I work a little extra to compensate and they get good 1:1 times.

edit. I suppose I should add we live far away, so it’s added time to visits. And parents are happy entertaining themselves! And I’m not exhausted by their company, I love them!