To feel sad about the amount of time I spend with my child

[Valleypop]

So , this is really just a vent. I can’t really change it as my child would be affected and the main thing is that they are happy . This is more about my guilt and whether it’s justified .

My child is 10. I split with their dad when they he was very young . His dad lives with his mother and they are both a great parent and grandparent. Some issues between me and dad back but never impacted on our child . He was heartbroken when we split and never wanted to be a weekend dad . Just like Nan , she’s very involved .

The set up is 3 nights with Dad and 4 with me . 2 nights in the week with Dad and one on the weekend so the weekend is split equally . Nan also does all school runs and I couldn’t cope without her ! Me and dad work full time , she collects him every morning to take him to school- except for the 2 he is already there ( or I drop him to her - depending on where I’m working ) and then collects him after school and on the days he is with me she brings him home to me when I get home about 430. I wouldnt be able to work without her . On “my” days when she’s doing the school runs , he doesn’t see dad as he’s also at work .

He’s spoilt rotten when there - he seems to prefer it there sometimes , which I don’t take personally . I have a lovely relationship with my son , but there he has a lot more gadgets etc . He wouldn’t want to go live there full time but if ever things change or I want him a little more in the holidays , he seems a bit sad about this but then when he’s with me he’s very happy ( sometimes I keep him a bit more in the holidays as simply not doing the school runs feels like a loss of time and I like to spend quality time together in the holidays and take him out etc but I do also have to be mindful that his dad also works full time so he also wants this quality time ) .

I just feel like I’m sharing him - which I am - and sometimes feel like I’m not a proper mom . I’ve had comments from friends like “ how do you spend that much time away from him “ but these are friends that don’t work and also aren’t split from their children’s dad . I explain that I have to work - there are many working parents that don’t get to do school runs due to work and have to place their child in childcare . They say that as my son isn’t in childcare but with Nan then effectively he is with dad so dad has more share of ‘custody’ - whereas I see this as benefitting my child . He would prefer to be with his Nan than strangers , I have more money to spend on him instead of paying for childcare , and it’s only an hour after school … sometimes they don’t even go to their house as it’s pointless and just go to the park or something then come home . By putting him in childcare I would be taking quality time away from Nan , he wouldn’t be happy , I would be paying out money for no reason just to say he he isn’t with dads side ? It’s not like I gain extra time with him by doing that ! But this then adds to my guilt ( I am not considering childcare btw this works for us ) .

I’ve also had comments saying that 50/50 like this is no good for my child as he “ doesn’t have a home “ but he is a very happy , lovely , well grounded child . He calls our house home and dad’s house dads - but he also says things like “ my bedroom “ that can be either here or dads . I wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t happy , but it’s all he’s ever known and I know if I ever cut time he would be sad . Also - what gives me the right to “cut time” like he belongs to me ? He’s not just my child and I have a dad who wants to spend time with his son , when there are women out there struggling because the dad doesn’t pull their weight .

I work part time in the holidays in childcare - my son can come with me and he enjoys it - I give him the choice to either come with me or go to nans- he will decide based on what Nan is doing or wether dads off . Usually he does choose to come with me as he enjoys it - if he does then it tends to have no impact on the days he spends with me ( for eg if it’s dads day and he comes with me dad doesn’t ask for an extra day as usually he is working too so he would have been with Nan but if he’s off then he may say actually can I just keep him as I can spend time with him as I’m off and then it’s our sons choice . If I’m working on “my day “ I’ll usually plan something fun for the other days and say I want to keep him to spend that time with him and dad doesn’t have a problem but usually he works his days off in the holidays so that it benefits us both and , more importantly , our son ) he would never have a problem with me changing anything if needed, he’s flexible . He wouldn’t like less time on a permanent basis but other than that we do work together well in terms of this .

so my AIBU - AIBU unreasonable to feel the guilt at having 3 nights a week away from my son . As I say I wouldn’t change it as it would only benefit me but it doesn’t stop this guilt .

• just to add as I feel like it will get asked - Dad does not pay me any CM . I have never asked . He has him 3 days per week and provides for him when there . We both buy clothes and they just go between the houses depending on what he’s wearing - we don’t send clothes to each other ( none of this - I bought that it stays here ) . We both pay equal on school trips , clubs etc . We go equal on uniforms etc . He takes him on holiday as do I and we both buy him our own Christmas presents. If ever I needed something for our son and I couldn’t get it for some reason I know he would have absolutely no problem getting it . So why on earth should he give me any money .

I’m sorry you feel guilty but you have got an amazing set up going on so just appreciate what you have.

Focus your mental energy on things that actually need attention in your life.

It sounds like you and your ex co-parent well.

Of course you're not unreasonable to wish you could have more time with your son. Neither are you unreasonable to conclude that the current arrangements are in his best interest.

So DS goes to dad's, comes back to yours, goes back to dad then comes back to you all in one week? That's a terrible split. Can you do Mon - Thurs one week then Fri - Sat the next? Or every other week? I feel like a child should be able to settle in one place for the weekend.

Sorry that should say Fri-Sun

Assuming the current setup is something like Thur-Sun at Dads and Sun-Thur at yours? I think you need to tell other people to keep out of your business as it sounds like the set up is working really well and in your child's best interests.

I'm in a similar set up and also won't be changing as it's well established and is working so far for all parties. I do feel guilty though. Have never had any comments but in my mind I sometimes think what kind of mother sees her child only half the week...

However when we are together we manage to have really quality time and i focus 100% on my child. We have money to go places and have nice things as I have the space to work a decent job.

I know i would be more stressed and moody, and poorer, if I had more custody.

I think our kids are benefiting massively from having a good relationship from both parents.

If it’s working for your son - he’s happy and has strong relationships with you dad and nan I’d not get into details with others just say it works for us.
Maybe rethink once secondary age? My dc’s friend hated shared care early secondary as she never had correct books or kit and got in trouble eg she forgot her maths book at dads house. One parent did paid school lunch, one packed so it affected lunchtime friends too.

It’s Monday and Tuesday at Dads then he’s here until Friday when he goes to dads and comes back Saturday . We do the 2 days together in the week so there isn’t back and forth and also the earlier on in the week , after the weekend , is when he’s likely to be more tired and when he’s at dads he can get up later as when he’s here being collected for school he has to get up earlier because of the time I need to leave .

He likes spending the weekend with us both as there are things we do here he likes and things he does there he likes . He would not like to do a whole weekend in one house then a whole in another, we have spoke to him about this . It’s a set up that works well for him I wouldn’t change it .

I think this sounds like the best setup possible for your child. You're very lucky to have such an engaged and willing ex to co-parent with and the bonus of having Grandma to help out too. Honestly this sounds like one of the healthiest situations I have heard of for children "split" between two homes.

Of course you're going to feel guilty and miss your son when he isn't with you (I'm sure your ex feels the same!) but at the end of the day, he has to spend time with both parents and unless you and ex get back together then this is the best way to do it.

Fair enough then. If you've spoken to him about it then you're golden. I hated being ferried around as a kid so my parents did every other week. Very hard to navigate.

Yes we have talked about this . When he’s in secondary school it will be a school within walking distance to ours so Nan would not need to so school runs . We also have spoke about the fact that he may want to walk to school every day with his friends and that he will likely make more friends more local to me and maybe want to spend more time with then on the weekend but it’s something we will monitor and it will all come down to what he wants . Lunch wise we stick to the same - we will again do whatever he wants , neither of us would be against a certain lunch . I pay for school lunches now as Dad pays for his tennis club so we will probably just keep it as that in terms of paying or just both make sure he always has money on his school account

Yes it can be hard - but we’ve always made sure it’s what he’s happy with . He’s very vocal and would certainly let us know if he wasn’t happy 🤣

Thank you , this makes me feel better !

oh there will never , ever be any chance of us getting back together 🤣 I’m very happily married and even though our parenting relationship is good - me and him aren’t the best 🤣 neither of us has any desire to ever be in a relationship and I don’t think we ever really did - when I say my ex was heartbroken at the split … that was purely because of our son . He comes from a broken home and would have stayed in a miserable relationship purely to give his son a mom and dad together but I wasn’t willing to do that

It sounds like you have a good set up and you are doing best by your son. I would ask your 'friends' who don't have to work how you are going to pay your bills if they comment on the amount of time you are spending away from your son. Surely they aren't so stupid that they cant see that your situation is different and they are being hurtful? If they can't, then the only thing you can change without impacting your son is the amount of time you spend with people like this.

It sounds like you and the dad have really got this ‘right.’ I don’t think he should provide cm; you have shared care. Nan sounds fab also. Put it this way; it’s a pity your relationship didn’t work out, but your son has the same person picking him up every day, happy mum and happy dad, two places he can call home, and has a say over how he spends his time. You are home at 4:30 and can spend quality time with him. It sounds like he has a really good life and happy stable homes. Much better for him than mum and dad together but fighting constantly, or going out the whole time to spend some precious time away from the other half!

I think your friends are rude and judgemental and need to keep their thoughts to themselves. It’s not ideal to not have your son half the time, but it is the best outcome in the interests of your child. I love my children to pieces, but if I ever split from their dad we would do 50/50 care because it would be better for them. As an aside, over the next few years you may find that some of your friends find themselves in similar positions as relationships break down. I have children the same age as your son and a lot of parents are splitting up.

Please don’t feel guilty. You really are acting in your son’s best interests.

I'm nearly 60 and second generation immigrant. I grew up in a extended family, as did many of my British peers. When it works, as is does in your case and for me and those I knew, it's fantastic. I agree with telling other people to keep out if your business. I bet your make ex isn't having the same thing said to him. Good grandparents provide a really valuable relationship. Your friends are really closed minded and lacking critical thinking skills, which is a shame.

It’s ok to miss him.
You are,of course, a completely proper mum.
Your set up sounds amazing. It puts your child first. It’s so stupid to say ‘how can you be away from him so much’ you do it because it’s what is best for your child and you’re not a selfish person.

Your set up sounds perfect for your situation. It’s wonderful that your DS has two great parents who are both involved and a lovely grandma as well 😊you’re doing the best thing for your son.

This sounds like an awesome set up, totally in the benefit of the child - they have 3 committed adults to love, nurture and care for them
Ignore the other people that have an opinion it's not their life.
I love hearing how shared custody works successfully for everyone in this situation - congratulations xx

You are doing your best for your child in your situation and that's all you can do. It's a bit unfair of people to pass comment when they aren't in the same situation. What do they expect you to do? Cut him off from his father?

I'm a stepmum and it's so sad to see how common it is for mums to think they are the most important parent and the dad should just get whatever scraps she decides to throw him. Thank you for putting your child's feelings before your own. Thank you for appreciating the importance of your son having equal time with both parents. It sounds like he is a happy little boy and that you and your ex have a great co-parenting relationship. Trust me, that is rare.

We have my DSD 50:50 and like your son she's really happy and considers both houses her home. Unfortunately we have a terrible relationship with her mum and contact with her is kept to a minimum. I do worry about how this impacts DSD but we can only do our best from our end to protect her, we have no control over how her mum chooses to behave.

Make the most of your kid-free time. Stop feeling guilty that he's not with you and fill that time with something for you. Go see friends, start a new hobby got for a nice walk. Shared custody seems to be working for your son so make it work for you as well and stop giving yourself a hard time.

Sounds like you’re doing a great job and prioritising your son, especially having such a healthy relationship with his dad/nan.

Tell these ‘friends’ to mind their own business and give yourself a big hug; you’re clearly a very good mum.

Gosh your friends sound awful. it's none of their business. it sounds like the best set up you can hope for, in the circumstances. It's not about quantity of time, it's quality of time - if you are engaged with your son when you're together, that's what's important.

I actually think this should be an AIBU to stay friends with these judgemental people rather than about you missing your son or feeling like a bad mum

You sound like a brilliant mum, that has a good set up that works for your child - but you need to ditch these horrible friends!

I'd say this is an excellent example of women being made to feel inadequate no matter what they do. You have a son who is lucky enough to have 3 involved adults who love him and somehow you're being made to feel like time with his nan for drop offs is in some way incorrect as you should be paying for childcare so he's not with your exs side of the family? Absolutely bonkers.

You have a great set up and as long as your son is happy, just ignore everyone.

I have shared 50:50 custody of my DD since she was 4 and like you have a positive co parenting relationship with her dad. I have never felt like less of a mum because she's not with me all the time. I do miss her but actually it means I probably enjoy time with her more as I've missed her but I also get time to be just me again. My DD is very happy and the best thing for her is to have two happy parents and two happy homes.