So , this is really just a vent. I can’t really change it as my child would be affected and the main thing is that they are happy . This is more about my guilt and whether it’s justified .
My child is 10. I split with their dad when they he was very young . His dad lives with his mother and they are both a great parent and grandparent. Some issues between me and dad back but never impacted on our child . He was heartbroken when we split and never wanted to be a weekend dad . Just like Nan , she’s very involved .
The set up is 3 nights with Dad and 4 with me . 2 nights in the week with Dad and one on the weekend so the weekend is split equally . Nan also does all school runs and I couldn’t cope without her ! Me and dad work full time , she collects him every morning to take him to school- except for the 2 he is already there ( or I drop him to her - depending on where I’m working ) and then collects him after school and on the days he is with me she brings him home to me when I get home about 430. I wouldnt be able to work without her . On “my” days when she’s doing the school runs , he doesn’t see dad as he’s also at work .
He’s spoilt rotten when there - he seems to prefer it there sometimes , which I don’t take personally . I have a lovely relationship with my son , but there he has a lot more gadgets etc . He wouldn’t want to go live there full time but if ever things change or I want him a little more in the holidays , he seems a bit sad about this but then when he’s with me he’s very happy ( sometimes I keep him a bit more in the holidays as simply not doing the school runs feels like a loss of time and I like to spend quality time together in the holidays and take him out etc but I do also have to be mindful that his dad also works full time so he also wants this quality time ) .
I just feel like I’m sharing him - which I am - and sometimes feel like I’m not a proper mom . I’ve had comments from friends like “ how do you spend that much time away from him “ but these are friends that don’t work and also aren’t split from their children’s dad . I explain that I have to work - there are many working parents that don’t get to do school runs due to work and have to place their child in childcare . They say that as my son isn’t in childcare but with Nan then effectively he is with dad so dad has more share of ‘custody’ - whereas I see this as benefitting my child . He would prefer to be with his Nan than strangers , I have more money to spend on him instead of paying for childcare , and it’s only an hour after school … sometimes they don’t even go to their house as it’s pointless and just go to the park or something then come home . By putting him in childcare I would be taking quality time away from Nan , he wouldn’t be happy , I would be paying out money for no reason just to say he he isn’t with dads side ? It’s not like I gain extra time with him by doing that ! But this then adds to my guilt ( I am not considering childcare btw this works for us ) .
I’ve also had comments saying that 50/50 like this is no good for my child as he “ doesn’t have a home “ but he is a very happy , lovely , well grounded child . He calls our house home and dad’s house dads - but he also says things like “ my bedroom “ that can be either here or dads . I wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t happy , but it’s all he’s ever known and I know if I ever cut time he would be sad . Also - what gives me the right to “cut time” like he belongs to me ? He’s not just my child and I have a dad who wants to spend time with his son , when there are women out there struggling because the dad doesn’t pull their weight .
I work part time in the holidays in childcare - my son can come with me and he enjoys it - I give him the choice to either come with me or go to nans- he will decide based on what Nan is doing or wether dads off . Usually he does choose to come with me as he enjoys it - if he does then it tends to have no impact on the days he spends with me ( for eg if it’s dads day and he comes with me dad doesn’t ask for an extra day as usually he is working too so he would have been with Nan but if he’s off then he may say actually can I just keep him as I can spend time with him as I’m off and then it’s our sons choice . If I’m working on “my day “ I’ll usually plan something fun for the other days and say I want to keep him to spend that time with him and dad doesn’t have a problem but usually he works his days off in the holidays so that it benefits us both and , more importantly , our son ) he would never have a problem with me changing anything if needed, he’s flexible . He wouldn’t like less time on a permanent basis but other than that we do work together well in terms of this .
so my AIBU - AIBU unreasonable to feel the guilt at having 3 nights a week away from my son . As I say I wouldn’t change it as it would only benefit me but it doesn’t stop this guilt .
- just to add as I feel like it will get asked - Dad does not pay me any CM . I have never asked . He has him 3 days per week and provides for him when there . We both buy clothes and they just go between the houses depending on what he’s wearing - we don’t send clothes to each other ( none of this - I bought that it stays here ) . We both pay equal on school trips , clubs etc . We go equal on uniforms etc . He takes him on holiday as do I and we both buy him our own Christmas presents. If ever I needed something for our son and I couldn’t get it for some reason I know he would have absolutely no problem getting it . So why on earth should he give me any money .