Feel like ballet teacher is judging my parenting

[Stopfeedingthedog]

Dd is 5 and asked for ages to try ballet, she loves to dance, but is very high energy, not massively great at following strict rules, so I thought she may not enjoy. I let her have a try anyway and she did four lessons, she had some friends there and enjoyed it the first few, but last week, days before ballet, she started asking me if she had to go to ballet. I asked if she liked it and she said she liked seeing her friend from school and didn’t want to stop because it might make her friend sad, but that it was a bit hard and she didn’t like it and didn’t want to go. I asked her if she was sure/if she wanted to try one more time etc and she said she didn’t. I messaged the ballet teacher, who is an excellent teacher from Russia, but strict I feel for little ones. I apologised and said I don’t think it really suits Dd and there was no point doesn’t something she doesn’t like 100%
She didn’t reply for a couple of days, but then sent a message saying she was disappointed that she was just giving up and feels that a child like my Dd would benefit from discipline and that we can’t just give up on things in life…she’s 5 years old

Who is right here?

My DD has done ballet for 3 years. She has ADHD and has always struggled with the slow pace and control required. Ballet teacher has insisted it will 'be great' for her but I now realise is she thinks she can teach the ADHD out of her, which is impossible so DD actually just learns to mask and this is difficult and stressful and not breeding a love for dance and fitness so I've decided to pull her out this term. She will try something thats a bit more active like street.

It depends really, if you paid for a block and there's any sort of wait list, so she got a spot someone else wanted, then I'd expect her to finish the block. If it's just dropping in, PAYG, then she hasn't made any sort of commitment.

In general, I don't think stopping something because it's hard is a good lesson,but she's only 5 and is still doing something similar and more fun. So it's not a big deal.

Maybe she is judging you, but she has really overstepped the mark in her reply so you also have every right to judge her! She is providing a service and it is entirely your right not to avail yourself of that service. Suggest leave it a bit and perhaps your DD could start another class with a warmer teacher when she’s a bit older.

@YaMuvva

Ahhh some are....

Both my daughters have had ballet classes. The oldest did 3 years. The youngst is on her 5th year.

Alle their teachers have kind, loving and really happy to work with children. If not my girls would leave after one class.

I voted YABU. Simply because, I would have had a deeper conversation to try to understand the issue a bit more. The teacher is right in that sometimes things we enjoy are hard! I would have tried to explain that to my daughter then decided whether to carry the lessons on or not. Lots of good, fun things can be hard in the short term, especially when you first start on them. Perseverance is a useful value.

There's a balance between fun and learning to not give up just because something is hard.

I'd perhaps get her to finish the term if she likes seeing her friends.

My DD was the same and found ballet too disciplined! We completed a year then age 7 she started acrogymnastics which is a combination of dance and gymnastics which she loves! Much more chilled out and her thing!

I "forced" DS1 (13) to do a holiday class with DD yesterday. OMG he sulked and was adamant he would hate it as he was no good at it. I picked them up 3 hours later and he had a smile on his face and asked if he could go again! Sometimes parents know best 🤣🤣

I’d take her strange response as confirmation I’d done the right thing if I were in your situation.

Don't take it personally. It's probably a standard response she sends to parents who get put off after a few lessons, and Russians can sound a bit abrupt. She wouldn't be a very good teacher if she just said 'yeah, whatever, quit, I don't care I've got your money for the term'.

Personally, I like to see out the term if my kids start something, as sometimes they can turn around in the last few weeks. But, it doesn't sound like you were really that keen on your dd doing ballet in the first place?

Your decision is sensible, fair and the right choice.
After a handful of lessons a five year old does not need to be committed to something she doesn't enjoy.
She'll never dare try anything again if just putting your toe in the water gets you bound to it for life! 🤣

That said Russian culture is to be pretty frank in your communication so her reply doesn't surprise me. As a professional ballerina she likely does have a strong opinion of discipline and grafting for your art... Doesn't mean her opinion matters to you though.

You with your mature judge of character expected it not to be a good fit for her.
But you were right to let your DD experience that for herself, and there was always the possibility she would take to it unexpectedly well.

The teachers pov is understandably different, she doesn't know your child as well as you do and has lived a different life and comes from a different culture (including parenting culture).

Some kids do respond well to a strict and challenging teacher. That gets more likely as they get older naturally, but it's not necessarily a fault if her teaching if she's strict. Strict isn't necessarily unkind.

I don’t really understand how people get through life taking every interaction so personally and worrying constantly about what near-strangers think.

She said what she thinks. You decide what’s right for your daughter. Everyone relax and move on.

My husband’s colleague from Moscow moved his family to Amsterdam at the start of the war in Ukraine. He’s now considering a return to Moscow because the schools aren’t strict enough for his 10 year old. I think there are significant differences in how children are raised in Russia.

I coach kids in a sport. We give new starters two free sessions before they need to join the club and I would say that the vast majority of the time it's fairly clear within that short time frame whether a young child enjoys the activity or not, and if they don't there is not much point in pushing it. Or at least not then. Sometimes very young children just aren't ready, and whilst we have a big focus on fun, in any physical activity there's a risk of injury if done badly so the participants do need to be able to focus on what's going on and follow instructions to some degree. We not infrequently get parents bringing very young children who can't quite manage that yet so don't stay but who come back a year or two later and love it. So I wouldn't rule out trying something that hasn't worked out at 5 again in the future. It may be "not now" rather than "not ever".
The other thing to consider is whether it is actually the activity or the teacher/coach that is wrong for the child. We get kids coming from other clubs where they've been unhappy who settle well with us. I'm sure it happens the other way too, as different children respond better to different environments and different people. So if your DD still wants to dance think about trying a different school or leaving it til she is older. If she doesn't, try some other hobbies. She's 5 - it's perfectly normal to want to try lots of different activities at that age but not settle on anything specific til a bit older. But I wouldn't lose any sleep over it, or the teacher's comments.

From what I know of teaching in Holland, that's going from one end of the spectrum to the other!

She should know her place and not get so uppity. Like a good Victorian kitchen maid.😂

You know this teacher is strict. She quite possibly has her eye on promising future dancers and the age for that is very young.

Your daughter has tried and doesn't like it.

The teacher is disappointed that your daughter wants to stop. That's a lost fee. It's not any indictment of your parenting, don't take it to heart.

Just ignore her. It's no big deal.

I’m a working class woman. I would say this to absolutely everyone who expressed an opinion on a situation that doesn’t directly affect themselves or their children. If it’s not asked for, it’s not welcome.

She didn't. She was not commenting on the OP's parenting at all. She was talking about the benefits of the sort of training she provides.

The dance teacher was merely saying she was disappointed that the dd was giving up, and suggesting that (as in all activities which require dedication and exacting training in order to succeed) that the discipline of classical training is beneficial, and you can't just give up at the first hurdle as soon as you find it a bit hard.

She was not suggesting that the OP's parenting was lacking in discipline.

(I'm a 'been there got the t-shirt' ballet parent with considerable understanding of dance training all the way from total beginner up to elite professional, including from Russian teachers - my dd had all sorts over the years).

Incidentally, the teacher being Russian is relevant in this situation, as the training over there from a very early age is entirely different to what most people would experience in the UK. Very formal, strict, and yes - disciplined.

That sort of approach would suit some children but not others.

@Stopfeedingthedog Perhaps another local dance school would be a better fit. The mere fact that the teacher said she was disappointed that your dd was giving up tells me that she saw potential there.

I think her opinion was unwarranted and misplaced.

I think the OP (and many others on the thread) have misconstrued what the dance teacher was trying to say.

Would you let your dc give up on their spellings or their times tables because they found it hard? And they didn't like doing it because they found it hard?

Practice makes perfect. DH teaches an instrument, and he often comes up against new pupils who think they can turn up to a lesson, pick up the instrument, be shown how to play it, and Bob's your Uncle. When they find out that actually they can't just do it straight away, they immediately lose interest. At the first sign of difficulty, they don't want to know.

Some things only become really enjoyable once you've mastered it more. It can be a drudge to start with.

I don’t disagree. Which is why DS, once he’d signed up for a block or term of lessons, was going to continue them to the end, however disinclined.

That's the thing, sometimes kids just need to stick with things a bit longer, and they will see the results and the benefits.

Not everyone is cut out for the disciplined approach in ballet training though, it certainly won't appeal to everyone, not by a long way.

Who cares what this woman thinks?