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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignored and uninvited

35 replies

Mum2bambinos · 08/04/2024 12:53

I don't know if I am feeling particularly sensitive - so here goes.
5 years ago we moved to a village and when DD (now 10) started the village school we discovered that one of her former nursery friends was also at the same school. We started going to the village pub together on sundays; kids would play etc and we would often go to one or the others house to have a few drinks and let the kids play. We shall call them Couple 1.
Both of my children (DD10 & DS12) have ASD. They can display quirky behaviours and struggle socially - making and maintaining friendships. My DD has an amazing friendship with another child in the same class. We shall call her parents Couple 2.
We introduced both couple 1 & 2 to each other and would regularly spend afternoons in the pub or Saturday nights at each others houses whilst the kids played.
Recently we have not been invited to the pub with the others; on occasion we have arrived at the pub to find the others already there and it has felt awkward. Saturday night there was live music on and we walked down with our DD; when we got there both couples and their children were there. Couple 1 mum blanked me altogether. DD of Couple 2 rushed to our DD and off they went to play. We sat outside away from the others watching the kids play. Both couples came out Couple 1 didn't even speak to us and made a real effort to say goodbye to Couple 2 without acknowledging us. We offered to keep Couple 2 DD with us for an hour or two so the girls could play.
Couple 2 are always super friendly and no issues.
This morning I dropped DD at school and Couple 1 DS walked passed me - I cheerily said "Good Morning xxxxx" He looked at me like dirt and didn't even speak.
I now feel we have done something wrong to be excluded and ignored by both mum and son.
I hate confrontation so don't want to ask... but equally I feel like my DD is missing out on spending time with her bestie because of this...

I am dreading pick up this afternoon because the school is small and clicky I just feel it is going to be horrendous.

Question AIBU to feel hurt and excluded... or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 08/04/2024 12:58

There is nothing you can do but ask.

caffelattetogo · 08/04/2024 13:00

Was it that they felt awkward that they'd had a catch up with just their two families?

Haydenn · 08/04/2024 13:01

We don’t have to like everyone in this world. It sounds like couple 1 don’t like you, but you keep pushing social interactions which is now pissing them off. I think you asking what’s wrong would just reaffirm to them that you can’t take the hint.

Overthebow · 08/04/2024 13:02

Do they all get on with each other and are good friends at school with your Dc? I think at your DCs ages it’s very much a choice of who to be friends with and play with. When younger it’s the adults choice more. It may be that the others DCs don’t want to be friends?

DoreenonTill8 · 08/04/2024 13:02

Yabu not to just text and ask what's up. What happened to dd of.couple 1 when dd of couple 2 rushed to play with your dd?
Is she being left out when the girls play?

Pantaloons99 · 08/04/2024 13:03

YANBU! Something is clearly off and you know it. Sadly, we often will never know why someone is upset with us, it could be anything to do with something you said to something the kids may have ' done' to the others.

I noticed myself that this situation can come with the territory when you have an ASD child. Not all I understand before people jump on that

How good a friend really are you with couple 1 mum. To be honest, unless you have some habits ( bitching , gossiping)or styles of communication that rub people the wrong way, Couple 1 mum sounds a bit of a bitch. I've encountered mum's like this before and much prefer to be completely separate from it these days. It's often like you are the one at school.

Sparklfairy · 08/04/2024 13:04

It doesn't have to be a confrontation at all. Just ask "have we done something to upset you?"

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 08/04/2024 13:10

Haydenn · 08/04/2024 13:01

We don’t have to like everyone in this world. It sounds like couple 1 don’t like you, but you keep pushing social interactions which is now pissing them off. I think you asking what’s wrong would just reaffirm to them that you can’t take the hint.

I am not sure how you came to this conclusion. We have never pushed a social interaction. We have never invited ourselves over or anything of the sort. I appreciate you taking time to comment - but wanted to reaffirm that this isn't factual.

OP posts:
caffelattetogo · 08/04/2024 13:11

Or is it that your children's behaviour is hard for their children or them and they haven't wanted to say? I know that's the cowardly option, but sadly is often the case.

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 08/04/2024 13:13

DoreenonTill8 · 08/04/2024 13:02

Yabu not to just text and ask what's up. What happened to dd of.couple 1 when dd of couple 2 rushed to play with your dd?
Is she being left out when the girls play?

She came up to my DD and then they went to the back and played together all 3 of them. They left 10 minutes after we arrived.
I did wonder this myself - but we sat outside with them to make sure no one felt left out. We obviously didn't know they were there and wouldn't want anyone to feel pushed out. :)

OP posts:
Pantaloons99 · 08/04/2024 13:17

Haydenn · 08/04/2024 13:01

We don’t have to like everyone in this world. It sounds like couple 1 don’t like you, but you keep pushing social interactions which is now pissing them off. I think you asking what’s wrong would just reaffirm to them that you can’t take the hint.

Harsh and pretty mean to put it all on OP. It's the height of passive aggressive immaturity for the mum to just blank like that after 5 years of regular interaction.

Watchthedoormat · 08/04/2024 13:18

Is their little boy being left out when the two girls play together?
Were you having get-togethers with couple 2 without mentioning them or inviting couple 1 along?

Pantaloons99 · 08/04/2024 13:21

caffelattetogo · 08/04/2024 13:11

Or is it that your children's behaviour is hard for their children or them and they haven't wanted to say? I know that's the cowardly option, but sadly is often the case.

This is what I was thinking. It definitely comes with the territory for most mum's of ASD kids I believe.

Noyesnoyes · 08/04/2024 13:41

You've got to ask, it's rude behaviour but you'll only know by asking.

CraftyBum · 08/04/2024 13:42

How do you know they invited one another and didn't just happen to stroll there like you did? If this was the case, and it was you that went and sat outside, this will have come across like it was you being rude and excluding yourself. If you've previously had a good friendship with these people I would just ask the question.

user1492757084 · 08/04/2024 13:46

Ask friend from couple 2 for an assessment over a coffee.
Don't whinge, gossip or expect magic but maybe there is something you can learn so that you can sleep better.

It is so rude to be ghosted by a child. Very weird.

sonjadog · 08/04/2024 14:03

You may not be couple 1's cup of tea, but if they are going to a local pub on a Sunday afternoon, they are going to have to take whoever they meet there. I would leave them to their moodiness, and continue on like you haven't even noticed it.

Cosycover · 08/04/2024 14:08

I would have to ask.

Retrievemysanity · 08/04/2024 14:08

I would message couple one and say that you said hello to their DS today and tell them what his response was and I would also say that you get the feeling you’ve done something wrong because of how they are acting. I would say obviously you can’t force them to be friends with you and that’s absolutely fine but could they please tell you what the issue is so that if it is something you or your children are doing then you can work on that in the future. I’d leave couple two out of it and make arrangements with them separately.

DrJoanAllenby · 08/04/2024 14:24

'I hate confrontation so don't want to ask'

You can't go through life being a drip!

Your child must have noticed or will do another time.

Possibly it's to do with their child and your child falling out over something.

'You have started blanking me, what is the problem?'

Bumblebeeinatree · 08/04/2024 14:26

Why didn't you just join them when you got to the pub? 'Hello nice to see you, just dropped in for a drink and to listen to the music' and see where it goes. You sort of ignored them and went outside.

I would just be breezy at pick up, talk to people as usual and if you bump into the mum, 'Hello how's so and so, he seemed very quiet this morning'. Don't ignore her, if she wants to behave oddly let it be her in front of the other mums not you.

If you know other mums you could have a quiet word and see if anything is being said. And talk to couple 2 and ask if you've done something to offend as couple one seem a bit less friendly recently.

Or just dump couple 1 and arrange something with couple 2 only.

Allwelcone · 08/04/2024 15:34

Could it be a "village" mentality? Some long standing residents can be a bit weird (just baring in mind you moved from somewhere else so may have had more life experiences). I'm thinking they feel guilty for dropping you but do not have the emotional awareness to admit it, let alone the social skills to make it smoother.

Either that or it's kid-related.

One way or another, I'd say fuck 'em it's not worth your time, you could ask them kindly if you really want to (and don't take theor answer to heart if its negative) I suppose.
Otherwise cultivate your other friendships, join in clubs further afield, and grow a thick skin, village life can drive you up the wall.

LenaLamont · 08/04/2024 15:41

I think you've been Wendy'd. You introduced C1 and C2, and now they get along better to the point of excluding you. It sucks, but it happens.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/04/2024 15:48

Haydenn · 08/04/2024 13:01

We don’t have to like everyone in this world. It sounds like couple 1 don’t like you, but you keep pushing social interactions which is now pissing them off. I think you asking what’s wrong would just reaffirm to them that you can’t take the hint.

Bluntly phrased but I think this poster is right. Couple 1 doesn't like you (or at least doesn't want to spend time with you) but does like Couple 2 and you have not read the room on it.

It's bewildering when someone who has gone through the motions of being friendly to you turns out actually not to like you and particularly if you've moved somewhere with few friends. But this is unfortunately their right.

All you can do is just detach from them and try to find other friends. Nothing to be gained by forcing it, dwelling on it or trying to make them feel guilty. The heart wants what it wants.

Bobbybobbins · 08/04/2024 16:01

It's the DS of couple one's response to you that so find very odd and a bit unsettling. You could ask but be prepared for an upsetting answer.

How about asking the mum of couple two?