Am I Settling

[ShittingUmbrella]

Long time member and poster, but over-sharer so frequently NC

I need a bit of a sense check please. Sorry it is a long one, but I will do a summary as a follow up posting!
I am a single Mum who separated last year and started a new relationship in November. BF and I see each other one evening a week and for the whole weekend every other week (when I don't have DS5). We have started to sometimes see each other with DS for a few hours on the other weekends. DS thinks of BF as my friend and likes him, but is no more attached to him than any of my other friends, we have been very careful about this.
I have fallen head over heels for BF and when we are together I absolutely know that he feels the same. He has made all sorts of adjustments and little gestures to welcome me into his life / family / home during the times that we spend together. When he talks about his plans for the future (things he had already started planning before we met, like property purchases and retirement etc) it is clear that he is including me and DS in his thought processes. We currently live an hour apart and have spoken a lot about potentially moving to be closer together next year and then moving in together at some stage after that. He is very intimate with me in private and although we have not had full sex (there are legitimate health reasons) we have an amazing time in the sack, as it were! We get on really really well when we are together and tell each other how we feel regularly.
So, the issues start when we are not together. At the beginning of the relationship he was in touch all the time when we were apart. We would send each other messages during the day (not constantly, but regularly) leave voice notes, and talk on the phone for hours a couple of times a week. Now, I know that this is not sustainable but it has decreased considerably. He takes hours to respond to me and we only talk on the phone once a week if that. Also, he doesn't often respond when I tell him that I love him. I find this really upsetting. When I tell him this, he responds really positively and says that he is just inexperienced with relationships / sorry / will try harder to actually tell me how he feels instead of just thinking it. It usually turns out that he has spent a load of time planning nice things for us, researching places we could take DS, sorting out stuff at his house to make me feel at home etc etc, so he is thinking about me. Things are better for a couple of days but then he goes back to the default of not telling me how he feels.
I am very insecure, largely due to a rocky upbringing and being let down badly in previous relationships.
So here's the question:
YABU - you have a lovely man that you enjoy spending your spare time with, you need to work on yourself / your insecurities and stop being so needy.
YANBU - your BF is not giving you what you need and it probably wont improve, so it is time to move on

SUMMARY FOR THOSE WHO LOST THE WILL TO LIVE:
BF since November is brilliant when we are together - very much in love with each other and having wonderful time.
When we are apart BF is shit at keeping in touch and doesn't respond when I tell him I love him on messages / voice notes.
This makes me feel insecure and anxious, when I talk to him things improve for a couple of days.
YABU - stop being needy and enjoy the time you spend with lovely BF
YANBU - BF is not giving you what you need so you are just not suited

I am very insecure, largely due to a rocky upbringing and being let down badly in previous relationships.

Which I imagine is exactly how your son is going to grow up if you don't slow down and concentrate on being single for longer.

You've started a new relationship a matter of months after splitting up with his dad, and your boyfriend of 5 minutes is including you in his future plans?

Sorry but it's got disaster written all over it. Why the need to rush into another relationship, especially given your previous history?

Pretty harsh…

Maybe so but it doesn't make it any less true imo.

I don't think this is a case of "settling", that's the wrong question. But your expectations don't seem to be compatible. You want more attention and communication than he is willing or able to give right now.

Lol @ the summary - I did get through the first post!

He sounds nice and like he is really into you. I think a lot of men are rubbish at the initial texty bit of a relationship once they’re not actively pursuing you anymore.

Once a week for a conversation is a bit crap though. Maybe he would be better at a phone call every other day? Some people just aren’t natural messagers.

I think it sounds fine. I wouldn’t take things any faster just enjoying being together and then when you aren’t focus on your son.

He does sound lovely but I agree that it's a very short period of time between splitting with your ex and starting this relationship.

I would think about focussing on you and DS for the moment, don't commit to any big long term changes yet.

I think your expectations seem quite intense. Do you need to be told he loves you via voice note on a daily basis? If he tells you when you are together, isn't that enough?

You could end the relationship, but I'd caution that the men who bomb you with soppy words and attentive texts and calls aren't always the best long term prospects, so you might find it backfires ultimately and you have lost someone who really cares because you need constant affirmation.

I do think not responding when you tell him you love him is a bit of a red flag.

So 5 month relationship, shortly after separation from DS's dad, he's already met and spends time with your young child, you're talking about living together but you think he isn't giving you enough attention? Wow. Your expectations are wild, you are both over doing it rushing in, this situation is inappropriate for your son, unhealthy for everyone, him included. Poor him for you being so needy, poor you for having no boundaries. Agree it has disaster potential.

He sounds a very nice man, thoughtful caring and is obviously serious about you. You are 'head over heels' about him. For many people, given the challenges women encounter in finding decent men, that's tantamount to winning the relationship lottery. If your only issue is he doesn't verbalise his love (actions speak louder, surely?) and has other things to do than constantly message, then you may be letting perfect be the enemy of good.

However. Its telling you use the term 'settle' because that suggests you do feel you could 'do better' than him, and if that's how you feel it would be unfair on both of you to continue. I'd also not be too quick to sweep the sex issue under the mat either. It's enough of an issue for you to include it in your post, (All that was needed was 'sex is amazing if that really is the case!) so it strikes me you think this is less than ideal too.

I think you're asking the wrong question. You're insecure, overly intense, and have introduced your son to your boyfriend too soon -- and, regardless of any of this, the relationship simply isn't working for you. Look at all the problems you raise what, three or four months in? Throw this one back and be single for a while.

Sounds to me like you need to work on your insecurities tbh. He sounds really lovely and it's nice that he is accepting your DS and finding things to do including him in them. I think you just need to try stop being insecure because you may start coming across as way too intense.

I’m a “needy” sort of person myself so I sympathise but standing back it does sound very early days to be planning a future.
Also it might be that he is not the sort of man who can give you the reassurance you need. Horses for courses and all that.
Are you old enough to remember Friends when Chandler tells Monica that she is indeed high maintenance but it’s ok because he likes maintaining her.

Thanks everyone - there's a real mix of opinion out already!

I was expecting people to bring up the fact that he has met DS too soon and I can assure you all that we are being very very careful about this. DS is absolutely fine and always at the centre of my plans / top of my priorities.

As for the future plans - this are very much preliminaries. We both need to make big decisions for next year anyway, whether we are together or not, so we are merely talking about what we could do if we are still together and not over committing. I mentioned this because I wanted to give examples of how BF is showing me his intentions rather than telling me.

@5128gap You are right, my wording is off! I think he is amazing and I don't feel like I am settling for him at all. I really just meant am I settling for less attention from him than I deserve or is it just my anxiety ruling. As for the sex comments - I wanted to make it clear that we are not at it like rabbits whenever we are together, I have no concerns that he is saying what I want to hear when I am with him so that I have sex with him and then he ignores me the rest of the time.

What time do you have for yourself - what hobbies /friends? You need something for yourself besides being a mother and a girlfriend, and if you get that in place you may find it puts the relationship in perspective

Maybe I am the one who has settled for the bare minimum, but I don't think anyone older than 14 (okay, maybe 24...) will be genuinely going on that loop of "love you - love you more - nooo I love you more!" any longer than the initial hormonal "high", which is a couple of months?..

YABU

Maybe he feels uncomfortable with all the "I love you" stuff. I'd get bored with having to respond to prattle all the time, maybe he feels the same.

Dial it down and enjoy the relationship.

There's not too much of a mix of opinion. The majority say that you are being too insecure and needy, and expecting more than it's reasonable for him to give.

@PoppingTomorrow You are quite right - I have very little time to myself amongst work / DS / friends and family and now BF. I do spend plenty of time with friends (sometimes with DS and other times without) and I only work 4 days a week, but I could focus on other things that I enjoy doing by myself.

@Chypre I suppose I was around that age the last time I started a new relationship so maybe I am a bit out of touch with the reality of my new found situation! Thank you for this perspective

@crockofshite I would be really hurt if he told me that he considers my messages and declarations of love "prattle" - that would be a massive red flag

I'm saying I call it it prattle , I don't know what he's thinking and I'm not putting words in his mouth

But if he doesn't respond every time you say I love you, then it's not his love language

It is really interesting to hear people's different perspectives on saying "I love you"
For me, when I feel it I want to tell the person often and it would be completely unnatural for me not to respond when they say it to me.
Some PPs obviously agree and have said it is a red flag that BF doesn't do this and others are completely the opposite. I suppose if BF is completely the opposite I need to try to get more comfortable with that and look at all the other ways she expresses himself.
@crockofshite you mention love language and I am genuinely struggling to work out what his is.

He's telling you he loves you by the things he does, not necessarily the things he says. 'Language' can be actions as well as words.

You said in your first post, he's made made adjustments, he's talking about the future, he plans nice things for you, intimacy is lovely. These are all his way of demonstrating how much he cares for you, ie love language.

Would you rather he said 'I love you' over and over and did nothing to demonstrate it?

Just because you don't speak the same language doesn't mean you can't communicate.

@crockofshite Thank you for sticking with me through this.
I understand that he is communicating with me through his actions and not always words, I think this is why I have no doubts when we are together.
When we are not together for a week I struggle to have the confidence to know that he hasn't just gone off the boil. I have a background of people suddenly changing their mind about how they feel from one minute to the next and it has left me very insecure - even my mother is very conditional in her love. I'll spend the week threating over it and then feel stupid when I see him and it turns out that he has been planning /doing all sorts of things and he must have been thinking of me.
I would definitely not like to be with someone who tells me they love me all the time but doesn't act like they do - but equally I don't want to be left assuming he cares for me if he isn't telling me anything at all.