Am I Settling

[ShittingUmbrella]

Long time member and poster, but over-sharer so frequently NC

I need a bit of a sense check please. Sorry it is a long one, but I will do a summary as a follow up posting!
I am a single Mum who separated last year and started a new relationship in November. BF and I see each other one evening a week and for the whole weekend every other week (when I don't have DS5). We have started to sometimes see each other with DS for a few hours on the other weekends. DS thinks of BF as my friend and likes him, but is no more attached to him than any of my other friends, we have been very careful about this.
I have fallen head over heels for BF and when we are together I absolutely know that he feels the same. He has made all sorts of adjustments and little gestures to welcome me into his life / family / home during the times that we spend together. When he talks about his plans for the future (things he had already started planning before we met, like property purchases and retirement etc) it is clear that he is including me and DS in his thought processes. We currently live an hour apart and have spoken a lot about potentially moving to be closer together next year and then moving in together at some stage after that. He is very intimate with me in private and although we have not had full sex (there are legitimate health reasons) we have an amazing time in the sack, as it were! We get on really really well when we are together and tell each other how we feel regularly.
So, the issues start when we are not together. At the beginning of the relationship he was in touch all the time when we were apart. We would send each other messages during the day (not constantly, but regularly) leave voice notes, and talk on the phone for hours a couple of times a week. Now, I know that this is not sustainable but it has decreased considerably. He takes hours to respond to me and we only talk on the phone once a week if that. Also, he doesn't often respond when I tell him that I love him. I find this really upsetting. When I tell him this, he responds really positively and says that he is just inexperienced with relationships / sorry / will try harder to actually tell me how he feels instead of just thinking it. It usually turns out that he has spent a load of time planning nice things for us, researching places we could take DS, sorting out stuff at his house to make me feel at home etc etc, so he is thinking about me. Things are better for a couple of days but then he goes back to the default of not telling me how he feels.
I am very insecure, largely due to a rocky upbringing and being let down badly in previous relationships.
So here's the question:
YABU - you have a lovely man that you enjoy spending your spare time with, you need to work on yourself / your insecurities and stop being so needy.
YANBU - your BF is not giving you what you need and it probably wont improve, so it is time to move on

I don't think it's a case of settling.

In your shoes I'd be worried he either just wasn't that interested, or he has another girlfriend / wife for the times you're not with him.

But nobody on here can really know that.

You say you don't have sec for a legitimate health reason. Is the reason you don't have full sex his issue or yours?

I don't think it sounds great tbh. Sometimes you don't speak for a week? That's really strange when you're in a 'relationship' with someone.

This. Based on what you've said the relationship sounds OK and the bloke sounds OK.

Two major problems though and, kindly, they are problems with you, not him:

a) you've rushed into this way too early, long before you've healed from the breakdown of your previous relationship and it sounds as if you're not good at being on your own. Learning to be OK on your own is absolutely essential if you want to be a good single mother. You simply can't drift from one man to the next. This one might be OK, he might not, be but you can't gamble your child's emotional wellbeing on whatever bloke you're with.

b) You are very needy and are massively over-interpreting stuff which doesn't mean anything. No one is able to sustain the level of text involvement generated in the honeymoon days of an early relationship and nor should they.

It sounds like you have very low self-confidence and self-esteem. I strongly urge you to work on this in a big way and work out who you actually are and what you need before getting in a relationship. You're nowhere near ready for this.

'When we are not together for a week I struggle to have the confidence to know that he hasn't just gone off the boil.'

Have you had any support, treatment or counselling about this ever, instead of relying on men to fill this gap for you? You do know its not normal, or reasonable to behave like this, its exhausting and dysfunctional, what have you done about it so far in your life? You don't have to live like this, you can change it, but you need to know its definitely not ok for other people too, its controlling and will only get worse, he will never be able to satisfy this for you (nor should he have to) as it already has a life of its own. Its not real, or fair on everyone, ots a form of disordered thinking.
You've got yourself a new bloke, instead of sorting yourself out and that's not fair on your child, the energy you're wasting on it could be used so much better to help him heal from the breakdown of his family, no matter how you say its ok and its all so carefully done and your DS is fine about it, its not. New man can't fix it for you, your son shouldn't be put in this position so soon. Your behaviour is likely to hasten the end of a new relationship and then where will you be will a young child who knew him well? Instead of navigating the breakdown of the relationship with his dad with him you are replacing him and expecting DS to cope and accept it because it suits your highly romantic feelings.
You are focusing on the wrong things, because you can't see properly.

@tiredandabitfat Thank you. I didn't mean that we don't speak at all for a whole week, just that we don't see each other for a week at a time when DS is with me. We live an hour apart and I am not rushing into him being around DS too much. Plus, I of course do activities with DS during that time and want to be committed to him.
The health issues are his, not mine but I know that they are real.
Definitely no wife or other girlfriend on the scene.

Apologies @tiredandabitfat , the first part of that response should have been directed at @zzurg123

@Thepeopleversuswork @Treetertop thank you both for your candid remarks.
You are both quite right about rushing into things. The marriage was completely dead for quite some time so I thought I was ready to date a bit, dip my toe in the water.... I had hoped to find someone that I could see for one day every other weekend (I was really missing DS and my friends are all very busy people/ have kids of their own) just for a bit of company. Obviously that isn't what happened.
I would like to hope that there is a middle ground where I can work on myself and still see BF. Finding a way to step back a bit and slow things down. We have talked about my "issues" where they stem from and he is very understanding and supportive. In a way I think it is a good thing for me that he hasn't just caved in and started behaving how I would like, because you are both right (and other PPs) I am expectations are unreasonable and nobody should have to put up with it.

I do really resent the implication that I am somehow damaging my child though. They have met twice for a few hours at a time in local animal parks. BF was just there accompanying us as a friend in DS's eyes, just like any other friend would. He hasn't seen anything he shouldn't have, nothing in his home life has changed to accommodate BF. If there were any signs of DS being at all unhappy or unsettled I would not hesitate to put on the brakes. My DS is in a far happier and more settled home than he was in previously

I think if you wanted a new date to see every other weekend once a week and that's exactly what you got, but now have huge issues with,
that you are already needing to discuss with him and make it his responsibility so soon, that you would be better talking to a therapist.
Keep your little boy out of it, mum's new special friend doesn't need to spend time with him, to see you. Especially if you really genuinely don't understand how this could hurt a child emotionally, how vulnerable he is, that you don't see a problem or a risk to his emotional wellbeing. He's not a step dad, give the poor kid some space and support to recover from the breakdown of his parent's marriage.

I think so many of the responses on this thread are way too harsh and unhelpful.
You have every right to be questioning if your BF's way of connecting and communicating is going to work for you moving forward and to be wondering if this relationship can meet your needs. There is no reason to assume responsibility for what is not feeling right for you in this. What if you were to trust yourself and your feelings instead of blaming yourself ? What if you and him are very different in how you relate and this is now becoming more apparent ?

I love how so many of you know my child and my parenting situation better than I do myself. DS absolutely IS of course my top priority. I am consistent and supportive. He is happy and well rounded.
You are all quite right, BF is not a step dad and has not been presented as such! DS knows about BF because my ex asked him about "Mummy's new friend". I was of course livid (especially as ex's new friend isn't at all new and has been in DS's life for over a year) but once the cat was out of the bag it seemed better to let DS meet BF instead of fobbing off his many questions.

Also, any future discussed with BF is more options than actual plans / commitments. We got on so well and we're so comfortable together from the get-go that neither one of us wanted to keep going only to discover that we couldn't make it work practically in the long-term. I know I sound like a stark raving romantic, but I am actually a fairly practical and logical person as is BF. I need to move house next year and we have spoken about the options of where I would move to - maybe somewhere in the middle so I could still commute or maybe it is time for a change of job and I move close to BF (if things continue as we both hope they will) It all depends on so many things, the most important of which will always be DS.

I am taking on board all of your comments but honestly some of you are going overboard. I do have an anxious attachment style and BF is more secure. I haven't tried to make my problems his responsibility but we do communicate well when something is important and I have explained my feelings to him. I haven't said it is his fault, and he is very patient/ wants to support me in finding more confidence.