To feel sad about having to go back full time to work

[MLC2017]

So me and my DH have been together 13 years, married for almost 9 and we have a 6 year old who came home to us through adoption at 16 months. I currently work part time 22.5 hours, which I increased when my Dd started school from 18.5 hours. Since January I have picked up an additional temp contract making my work week 32.5 hours. This has just been extended until the end of May. I have the opportunity to step up come September to full time, there would be some flexibility to allow me to wfh after school pick ups etc. financially we are just about afloat without the additional hours I am doing but we have a large chunk of debt that we are trying to clear. We decided for this reason and the fact that we don’t have a huge support system and my DH also has football, additional commitments and work a fair distance from home that we wouldn’t be able to go through the process again to have another child as originally planned last year, something I’ve come to terms with. Now I have the opportunity to go full time, I feel very torn and sad about this. Financially we would benefit hugely from the opportunity, but I am largely responsible for the childcare around school, and the main bulk of the home, as well as responsible for finances and arranging all childcare and child activities when not at school. I feel worn out already with the extra ive been doing and I feel like I’m already being torn apart with guilt every time I miss something. My DH things I’d be silly not to go for the full time role, but I don’t think he’s getting the full implications, and only thinking about the financial aspect. I feel a little like I’m being cheated out of the opportunity to be at home with my DD for a little longer, but at the same time, the financial stress we have had in the last year is something I also dread going back to once the extra hours are gone. I’m also surrounded by a lovely group of friends who are amazing, but seem to manage much better, have nicer tidier houses, and work less, and I guess I feel sad that we don’t seem to be able to cope.

Have you worked out exactly how much you would benefit after tax/NI/any other income related deductions, commuting etc? How desperately do you need that difference? Is there anything you can cut down on? I went from 3 days a week to 2 days a week when everything was feeling a bit overwhelming and it made an enormous difference. The whole family would say was more than worth it and actually didn’t notice any difference financially (although it did reduce our childcare)

Lots of us manage to work FT around a family, and yes, it's not easy, but you do what you have to do. What your DH needs to realise is that he is going to have to step up, to take on his fair share of the mental load and physical work involved in having a child and running a house.

What you do with your child is that you make the time you have together count, make it quality time. Plenty of parents are with their children for more hours but not interacting with them.

Getting your finances sorted would be a huge weight off your mind, and maybe then you could go through the adoption process again, if that is what you want to do?

Your DH is going to have to give up football. He needs to pick up more housework

Hi OP I’m in a similar position I currently work 30 hours and have the offer of completing a new qualification but would have to work full time to do it. We also have an adopted 6 year old. I couldn’t consider it if we didn’t have family help. Or LO would struggle with being in formal child care but we are lucky with our support network.

Please don’t compare your situation to others we only ever see what people want us to,

If your child can cope with it then have a frank discussion with your husband about how you could make it work for all of you and discuss with work can they be flexible around school events as well as after school.

life can be overwhelming but equally a change of routine etc can sometimes be a positive challenge if we have the capacity to grow with it and it won’t have a huge detrimental effect on others. Only you can know what’s right for you. A new routine would be needed with your husbands help could this work for you all as a family?

Would working ft mean you could afford a cleaner once a month for example to deep clean so you & do can keep on top for rest of month?

would work let you trial for a few months??

are there other ways to pay off your debt?

good luck in your decision making , change is hard! I hope whatever you decide works out for you!!

She already works nearly full time at 32.5 hours and does the bulk of the child rearing and drudge work while he gets to enjoy non work hobbies by the sound of it.
I think your comment doesn’t apply to this situation. Yes sounds like they need her to work full time for financial reasons but that means he will have to do 50% of everything else. Or she’s a ‘walking servant’ or whatever else fits your strange analogy.

I can't believe anyone has voted that YABU. Of course you are allowed to feel sad that you have to work FT for financial reasons and lose out on time with your DC. It may be a financial necessity and something you have to do, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. This world has become so obsessed with money that people are beginning to lose empathy for people that want to do very basic things like spend more time with loved ones.

I agree with other posters that your DH will have to step up more. Either he needs to look into opportunities to increase his earnings so you can continue to use the hours you're not working to focus on your child and the house OR he must start doing his share of childcare and domestic work.

Not unreasonable to feel sad, but it sounds like it is necessary. Personally, I hate being in debt and would go back just to clear that.

Also as a single mum I do everything anyway. Work full time, pay mortgage, care for ds full time, and have done since ds was two. It's not that difficult. You'll get very good at planning and booking things like holiday clubs as soon as reservations open.

One suggestion, you will feel much less tired if you can improve your fitness now. Try going for a run a couple of days a week or building up time at a gym. It really does help.

You’re not having a second child because your DH has FOOTBALL?! Is he Harry Kane? Because if not, you already have two children 🙄 what a selfish man

Personally I’d work and not be in debt, your child is in school so can’t be missing much?

You can feel sad, but I think YWBU to not take the full time job. You have a "large chunk of debt" to clear. You need to make sure your DH picks up more stuff at home though

"If he was more successful in his job"

That goes both ways. If the OP was more successful and stepped up, earned more money, her DH could stay at home.

Can you not read? She’s working 32.5 hours.

If you have flexibility for school pick ups then it sounds like a great role to me. We both work FT with no family support and more children than you have. It’s not easy but can be done. Your DH does have to pull his weight though so that’s the first conversation I’d be having. But with that level of debt I’d work FT no issue

I waited till mine were secondary age, after school and breakfast clubs cost loads round here and it didn't make any financial sense really. If you do go full time you will need to fight hard to redress the the home life balance, get your dh to take on a bigger share of cooking cleaning and childcare. Possibly even factor in the costs of a cleaner and more ready meals or hello fresh...this may help your dh realise that actually it makes no financial sense you going back full time yet.

If you feel this strongly about it and can afford any way to avoid doing it then I would. Of course people cope with ft but it is a hard slog with no family support around.

You’re being an little entitled and lazy. Loads of people work, it’s life

But he is working and earning most of the money - surely he should have a little reward.

if they both work full time maybe.

And?

Growing up doesn't equal having kids. Dh stepping up to his responsibilities now is another discussion.

Of course YANU to feel sad about it. There's a lot going on in the primary years and obviously you do miss a lot if you are working f/t, unless you have very flexible working. Then you still have a home to run. Looking back I'm very grateful that the col just a few short years ago was low enough for me to work p/t during those years. I did have a small sideline that brought in extra income. If you have any skills that could be an option instead of f/t work in one job. Personally though I think 32 hours is plenty when you're doing all the childcare and running of the home.

Can you see this as a temporary change only so that you can clear your debts? then you could back to working less hours (by the way 32.5 hours doesn't sound part time to me...).

There are always a lot of 'martyrs' on these threads who tell you they work 60 hours while raising several kids and always look immaculate...The reality of course for most of us is different.

If you think you can do it all and won't be able to cope with combining more hours with your other responsibilities then be honest with yourself and your partner. You might be able to find other ways to save.

Really? I’ve not seen one on this thread, did you not bother reading?

^^ This exactly! So many blokes only appreciate the things that go in to running a home smoothly for everyone when they are not happening anymore! Make sure that you point out all the things that will not be done when you go back to work ft op and make sure your dh knows that he will be picking up half of the slack.

Are you really advising a woman in debt to bump the costs up so she can make a case not to work? They can do appropriate levels of chores each in the related free time they have, and should work together to clear the debt. Not start buying expensive meals and get a cleaner,so she doesn’t need to work more.

how manipulative and irresponsible.