Spending Christmas without my son

[Maverick99]

In family courts. Have been for years. Fact finding proved significant DA. Ex was refused contact for a number of years. He did a perpetrator programme and started seeing DS (5). Now he sees him every other weekend for 8 hours. Lots of manipulation going on. DS likes seeing him, but comes home saying 'I told daddy you don't let me have chocolate breakfast cereal and he said when I stay at his house I can have anything I want' which I fully believe. I suspect things will ramp up again once we are out of court proceedings. Cafcass are pushing for him to spend every other Christmas with him, splitting Christmas and NY, so each year one of us will miss the whole Christmas period. She argued that dad has had to cope with this for 4 years, which infuriated me because the only reason that was was because he was deemed unsafe/dangerous.

The courts are the courts, and I know this is going to happen, but how the hell do I cope with it? Knowing he's with the man who abused both of us at such a special time?

I know already that I will just have to withdraw from all celebrations as I won't be able to hold it together. I also feel that it will be quite traumatic for DS, as he's never been away from me before and courts are suggesting one week every end of term holiday.

How do people cope with this? It makes me tear up thinking about it.

I’m so fucking sorry.

The family courts are out of touch and know nothing about what it means to be a mother.

Do you have / can you get a lawyer?

I hate that abusers are allowed into their children’s lives. It’s a travesty.

I have no money but no legal aid available. Its been going on for 5 years. I just can't stop thinking about Xmas. I could 100% cope with having him back on boxing day but it'll be all three days that he's gone. I don't know why NY is even made out to be a big deal. He will be 6. He likely won't even stay awake or even care.

I can't stop sobbing. This is just so hard

Is it possible to have two Christmases and for it to be as special? Do we do Christmas before he goes away or after? Am I trying too hard and should I just scrap the stocking and christmas dinner for the years he is away and just send my gifts with for him to his dad's? My mind is racing and I feel sick even thinking about it.

Christmas was one of the things that hit me hard too OP. Ex didn't care, he knew how special Christmas was to me, so he was just doing it to p#ss me off.

In the end he abandoned him after two Christmases anyway, but for those I just had to deal with it, and leant on friends and family for support and a place to be on the day.

Plan your Christmas the weekend or a few days before he goes to his father's. I took my son to a Christmas event at a theme park one year, for example, stayed in a hotel and had a magical time. Focus on creating your own special memories to get you through it.

It sucks, but don't let it break you lovely. ❤️

Oh darling. I am so so sorry to hear this… my heart breaks for BOTH of you, sending the biggest hugs. Fucking bastard men who get away with this… it’s shockingly unfair.

Don't give the gifts for him to open at his dad OP!

Just celebrate it on a different day, you totally deserve to see your son's face lighten up as he unwraps the presents you bought for him.

Of course Christmas will be special. No kid in the world is going to mind having two sets of presents to unwrap.

I would feel so wrong doing Christmas before the school holidays started. I just can't get my head around it. Were your kids away for the full Christmas week? We always do panto Christmas eve, then Christmas eve celebration and box (German roots), and it's just going to feel so weird and lonely. I don't think I would want to be with my family or friends. I think I would have to go away somewhere that's not Christmassy.

It is very difficult - when I divorced my ex husband the agreement we started with was that you had the children upto lunchtime Xmas day which we did on alternate years and alternate NY. I do remember it being very harsh handing over your children on Xmas day. I am very grateful for my family who I went to on Xmas when that occurred. On the alternate NY when I was without children I always booked to go away. I could only deal with the situation by separating myself from the scene.

Ugh. If this is harsh, having him away for the full week is going to be hell. Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day to contend with. I genuinely need to find a way of coping with it.

He'd go on Christmas eve, usually there were a few days before he went, where he was on holiday in which we could plan something special.

I know it feels hopeless now, I felt the same, but you have to find a way to regain your positivity around that time, otherwise your DC will end up upset too.

This is so sad, I'm so sorry. I say you do your own Christmas with DS when he's back from his dad's, why not. It can still be special, I don't think any kid would turn down a second Christmas! You keep every tradition you usually do just a few days later.

It's shit that you've even been put on this situation but I don't think you'll regret trying to make the best of it for both of you. Christmas day will still be hard I'm sure but you could spend boxing day going out and getting reduced Christmas food and stuff in the sales to add to second Christmas!

I see that you have German roots - could you do a St Nicholas celebration with presents on the years that your son is with his dad? I know it's not the same as Christmas but that way you can have a celebration without his dad's interference.

Could you alternate Christmas Day and Boxing Day?

Honest opinion here: As a child I hated shuttling back and forth at Christmas and just wanted to stay in one place. Alternating CD and BD was more for my parents than me. I would have preferred alternate years…and all presents on Christmas day. Doing a second Christmas was always a bit anti-climactic and my Mum’s martyrdom over not having a proper Christmas Day made me feel like I ruined her Christmas.

I’m sure a lot of others will feel the exact opposite of me!

Why don’t you ask your DS what he’d prefer?

Christmas is a biggie for main carers and even more so in your situation. Is it the concern of abuse on the overnights (and would overnights not happen before Xmas) or the spoiling of Xmas for you without your DC?
Could you ask for a couple of years of split Christmas eve night and hand over Christmas day and then Christmas day to boxing day so both get to spend time that is important to all? Every year as your DC grows it will get easier, it is so difficult letting your young child go somewhere where you are not sure they will be safe and the first will suck and that is understandable, but maybe if the changeover is as I described, it would lesson the blow rather than being for a longer period?

Unfortunately I can't make the courts and cafcass for anything. I also think it would be incredibly unfair to ask my 5yo what he would prefer, he's so young and it will have no bearing on what the courts decide. It'll just make him feel like he hasn't been listened to. He is not going to enjoy being at his dad's for a week.

It would mean 8 hours of travel for one of us on Christmas eve or Christmas day, and 4 hours for DS. I don't think anyone will enjoy that.

@Maverick99 yes that's a bit limiting then

And it's just everything. I'm overwhelmed with concern re abuse happening, manipulation which is already happening, him not bringing him back, and of course how hard it'll be.

For different reasons, when I was growing up Christmas couldn't always be on the 25th December.

My mum let us kids choose which day our 'extra' Christmas was; and gave us money to spend to make it special. Your boy might be a little bit young, but it was so exciting to see how much further our money went after Christmas.

Lots of the traditions we made in those extra Christmases still happen now - Christmas PJs for breakfast, pizza for tea, cracker race - and we kids felt like we had won the lottery as we were in control of Christmas!

I know that it won't be possible for everyone, but as PP have said - there is good that can come from this even if your heart hurts.

If his dad is going to have overnights beforehand then hopefully that will allay your fears a little, I don't know (and don't need to know) what kind of abuse it was, but between now and then I would lightly try to make DC aware of situations which he should not find ok. Also don't sweat the small stuff like breakfast cereal, just let your DC know that his dad will have different rules to at home and that's ok (as long as not contravening safeguarding). If you get frustrated over cereal and your ex can tell, chances are he will up the ante and do more things to wind you up and that won't be good for you or your DC. It takes time to get to that place, but you will get there x

Have the court proceedings been going on for 5 years? That seems a long time (I work in family law). I know it isn't what you are asking about in your post but if you were a victim of domestic abuse you are entitled to legal aid but there is a two year cut off point. Just a suggestion to maybe help you to be able to get a solicitor to fight your corner

Yep, 5 years. Unbelievable isn't it. He took me to court in March 2019

((((HUG))))

WTF?? How are these total bellends allowed to dictate that you send your DS to his abusive Father? Let alone a 5 year old for Christmas

we NEED to DO something to make this stop!!

Theres a whole bigger picture here that needs sorting, but as for Christmas this year, it looks like there's days inbetween for A first second Christmas.

DS will not know when Christmas actually is, so go full on pretending it IS Christmas (call it DS & Mummy Christmas) tell him Daddy wants a Christmas with him too. Do he can have Daddy Christmas too.

He's too little to mind having two Christmases, especially if you let him choose how to celebrate it & don't just do what you've always done. Kids don't always want what we assume is 'special & magical' or 'tradition'. Ask him about anything you're prepared to change. If you have a tradition of x for breakfast, ask him what he'd really like? Your usual or something totally different? Does he want to sleep in, be woken up, get up at 4am if he wakes up...
what would HE LIKE for Christmas Dinner

Do that, make it a brilliant Christmas (it does not matter what the actual date is, he won't know & you don't have to say!!

For you, if you were my friend I'd love you to come to ours & be part of it and if you cry, you cry, it doesn't matter, you're my friend!!

But personally I'm quite happy at home, on my own, eat what I want, drink what I want, watch/do what I want.

(((HUG)))

Im so sorry, it's heartbreaking. Do you think he would let you have him xmas morning and then he can pick him up about 1pm - that's how my mum and dad worked it. My poor Mum used to go into work when we left (NHS) as she couldn't stand it.

Or could do a Christmas before /after the day? As I got older (and still now) I have two Christmas spending the day at home with my DS and my mum and do another with my Dad. And they both genuinely feel like Christmas day. Could you maybe do it on the 27? Kids always feel down once the actual day is over but he would know another Christmas was coming!