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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Spending Christmas without my son

29 replies

Maverick99 · 07/04/2024 21:58

In family courts. Have been for years. Fact finding proved significant DA. Ex was refused contact for a number of years. He did a perpetrator programme and started seeing DS (5). Now he sees him every other weekend for 8 hours. Lots of manipulation going on. DS likes seeing him, but comes home saying 'I told daddy you don't let me have chocolate breakfast cereal and he said when I stay at his house I can have anything I want' which I fully believe. I suspect things will ramp up again once we are out of court proceedings. Cafcass are pushing for him to spend every other Christmas with him, splitting Christmas and NY, so each year one of us will miss the whole Christmas period. She argued that dad has had to cope with this for 4 years, which infuriated me because the only reason that was was because he was deemed unsafe/dangerous.

The courts are the courts, and I know this is going to happen, but how the hell do I cope with it? Knowing he's with the man who abused both of us at such a special time?

I know already that I will just have to withdraw from all celebrations as I won't be able to hold it together. I also feel that it will be quite traumatic for DS, as he's never been away from me before and courts are suggesting one week every end of term holiday.

How do people cope with this? It makes me tear up thinking about it.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 07/04/2024 23:16

My ex is an abuser, I despise him.. until recently our DD liked seeing him and enjoying time with him. Contact is progressing and each time she clings onto me and doesn't want to go. It's heartbreaking.

This year her dad had her on mother's day, my birthday, he will likely have her this Christmas and her birthday also as he had many years of supervised contact. I've learnt to let a lot of things go including attaching the sentiment to special occasions. I have a big birthday this year and DD will be with him.. my solution is to just celebrate the day before and do something special.

I've made a conscious effort to arrange some lovely things for us in the intervening weeks of her contact. I know it'll be hard for you OP, but I would celebrate your Christmas with your son on another day and don't attach a huge importance on the actual day.

I also find, the abuser parent who makes subtle hints of alienation towards the non abusive parent will only cause their child to reject them themselves. Kids are smart. My DD doesn't believe a single word her father spouts about me.

You will honestly find a way to cope x

CheckeredAliceBand · 08/04/2024 10:16

My dc alternative Xmas between me and abusive ex. On years they are at his we do 2nd Xmas when they get back - so whatever day they get back is 2nd xmas eve with all our traditions followed and the next day is Xmas day with all presents from me and my family. Santa knows where they are each year and visits us on 2nd Xmas eve because he is magical - they accept it and enjoy it.

Also - my ex spent years trying to alienate them from me and the result has been that as they've got older and had the choice they've gradually dropped seeing him. 2 oldest now don't go to him at all. They see what he does and they don't like it.

I am really sorry - cafcass and the courts can be such asses. They shouldn't sent kids to proven abusers.

CoffeeCup14 · 08/04/2024 10:30

My ex and I have alternated Christmas for years. We've never split Christmas Day because I think we all have a nicer time without moving kids about on Christmas Dat. The years I don't have them, we have done a whole Christmas Day on a different day (Father Christmas will come on a different day if you ask him to), a Christmas dinner we like, presents. On Christmas Day sometimes I"ve seen family, sometimes I've stayed at home and done really nice things by myself. Some years it has been really nice, some years have been really hard. You can make it special for you and your son - it really doesn't have to matter that it's not the day itself.

I'm sorry court is so awful for you.

TheSandgroper · 08/04/2024 10:53

Rmember you can rant, rave and scream on here as much as you like but if ever or when ever Ex says anything just say “Yes” and leave it at that. One word answers only.

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