Would this be a dealbreaker?

[Honeybunzz]

If you were dating someone and things were good and well however you only were able to see them once a week (sometimes twice but rarely and not overnight, just for a couple of hours).

Partner is a single father to teenage kids. I am single mother to young child. Both of us working full time. Living about 90 mins drive away from each other.

Would this be a dealbreaker or not?

YABU - once or twice a week is good enough.
YANBU - once or twice a week is not enough.

I've voted but I don't really think anyone can answer this for you. Unless you are just wanting to know if others would feel similar. I think once or twice a week is fine. Sometimes its nice to miss someone. Do you talk and text plenty in between?

It would depend. If he was replaceable then I’d probably replace him with someone who was more available. But if I was in love with him I’d still be his even if I couldn’t see him for a thousand years.

Is the time with him good?
Emotional, Physical, Sexual?

If so it sounds perfect. The children come first at this stage and the potential issues Step families bring is well known

Another reply saying it's up to you! I voted YABU because you've both got heavy commitments, which have to take priority. You're too far distant for quick pop-ins or casual dates after work.

Depends whether you're happy with a mostly arms-length relationship. I completely understand why you might not be. Aside from the fact that it's hard to really get to know one another under these circumstances, what happens if you want to develop the relationship? One or both of you would have to uproot your lives and move closer.

This would make me more likely to want to be with him. Once a week is perfect, and he's far enough away that he's not going to move himself in.

It really depends. I'd be fine if it was a casual thing. But if I really liked someone, no it wouldn't be enough. I'd get too stressed out with it.

It's sounds like you are the more restricted one though if he has teens and you have a little one?

@Concannon88 @Cristall
Thanks for your input.

I suppose I’m just gathering thoughts and opinions.

I do talk to him almost everyday however I suppose I’m more of a face to face person so conversations are usually short and to the point.

I used to see him almost everyday however he recently got full custody of his teenage kids and has moved 90 mins away (used to live 20 mins away) and so the relationship has changed and I find I’m always missing him. Yes I have friends and I have my child and work full time; but we have been friends for over 10 years and he honestly is my best friend so I suppose it’s always him I think of company and companionship.

I think I do love him I think he loves me too (and does show it more than say it) and I can see he is trying to make things work but I find myself getting frustrated and whilst I can appreciate the efforts he does make (which I know can’t be easy and he doesn’t always tell me when things are going on that may be bothering him) but I can’t keep putting my feelings on the back burn and a big part of me is thinking to end things amicably and maybe try again when our situations are less difficult. But another part of me is thinking that all relationships have ups and downs and if I can see myself being with this man for the rest of my life (and I can vision that) then I need to take the good with the bad and help each other push/ pull through.

I lost my temper at him last week as I didn’t see him during the week or weekend and he did apologise and did explain the situation which I could understand; but I think it’s just a reaction from missing how things were and I’m aware his trying to sort himself and his kids life out for more stability - and I love that and I respect that- but the effect of him working overtime means I don’t get to see him and then I end up feeling resentful and feeling like I would rather be single and not expect to see or hear from him, or be with someone else who can probably give me more of their time but wouldn’t match up to him in many other ways.

He is always so apologetic when I tell him my feelings and does promise to make things better which I appreciate, but I’m aware there’s only so much realistically he can do and so much I can realistically take before I fully check out of the relationship. It’s hard.

@Honeybunzz the 90 mins is a biggie. And considering hes moved hes unlikely to move back. You can't exactly pop in, it all has to be planned.

I don't think I can vote, because it depends what you want. There's no right or wrong, just what works for both people. If you both want different things, then maybe that's a deal breaker.

@Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes he's far enough away that he's not going to move himself in

He's what? Are you calling him a cocklodger already?

@Wibblywobblylikejelly thank you.

@Garlicked Thanks, and I completely get you.
In regards to uprooting lives; he did live 20 mins away and had to move further due to the children coming to live with him so suddenly and his budget could not stretch for the area I live in. He has tried to find accommodation closer and is currently saving to buy a house closer to me or rent one closer in the hopes of buying one closer to me so that’s the plan.

I do love that he is trying but still I’m not sure when that may happen and I suppose I’m struggling to deal with this temporary situation as I’m not sure how long it may last for.

It feels like if you can only spend a few hours together on one weekend it feels restricted. I think he should be making more effort to see you. Though I can see It may not be feasible.
It could be worth saying it's not working out, if you can split amicably now it's better than resentment building later on.

@BobbyBiscuits

thanks. That’s what I’m feeling.
He is great in so many ways and our paths align wonderfully and I can imagine myself being with him for a long time; if not forever, but due to how strained things are now, I’m starting to think our dream may be a fairytale as I can’t imagine when things will get any easier.

He is wonderful in so many ways; he is emotionally connected to me, he is physically attractive and sexually we are great. I value his work ethics and his morals and he has been there for me through so much (loss of job/ relationship break ups/ house moves/ money issues and more) and I want to be there for him also but the distance is really starting to bother me.

some part of me thinks maybe we should unite our families together more; but I can’t imagine how that would work. I wouldn’t move out of my house unless I was married and was moving into our family home. Whilst we have spoken about marriage and he is ready when I am; I can’t imagine being married to him whilst things are as they are, yet still I can’t find another way to make things better.

He sounds very sensible

I think you need to continue as you as and stop pressuring him. He just got full custody of two kids and is living in a new area?

No, I'm saying he's not a cock lodger

@Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes But you're pointing out that he is far enough away to not move in with her when the opposite is equally true, as if your assumption defaults to cocklodger man looking for a housing opportunity?

Aslong as we had a great time for that time and it wasn't likely to stay like this forever, and they were good at communicating via text or calls etc, if I really liked the person I'd put up with this for a while.

@Universalsnail

thanks for the input. I suppose I’ll have to decide if I can or can’t put up with this.

It’s very hard finding someone who you love and loves you back. I look around my sisters and friends and see the utter shit show some of their relationships have been. It’s a time of adjustment with far less contact. It wouldn’t stop me personally, you both have very busy lives. I think see how it goes and give it a chance.

Once a week would suit me, but I'm not you, however the lack of overnight would bother me. If you are used to seeing more of him and now it is limited, I understand you feeling out of sorts. I would see how the new routine goes. You sound well-matched. Perhaps he is worth hanging onto. Hopefully things will sort themselves out.

@BCBird Thank you. I will speak to him about overnight stays although I don’t know how possible it is as he has his children at home. They are independent enough but still I know he would feel guilty about leaving them at home whilst he is staying with me - and I would feel guilty too.

my home is a small 2 bedroom flat so not enough space for them all to come over to stay (although I wouldn’t mind it; just wouldn’t be sustainable or feasible) and it wouldn’t be possible for me to stay there as It would then take 2/3 hours to get back in time to take my child to school and for me to get to work which is in the town that I live in.

I suppose we will see, and I will try and be more patient. I think things have been this way for what feels like a long time and I don’t know when it will get any easier.

My partner is also going abroad for 3 weeks next month (due to a recent bereavement) so I think this is also on my mind - 3 weeks of not seeing him when I already feel like I miss him so much and I see him for a few hours once a week which I’m just about coping with. I hope it isn’t the straw that breaks the camels back.

Only you know what is a dealbreaker for you.

He seems a decent sort and the fact he is putting his kids first is positive.

If his youngest is 13, give it 3-5 years and they won't even want their dad around as much.

3-5 years is a long time or a short term depending on how you see this relationship.

The fact you are asking if it's a dealbreaker as opposed to what can you do toimprove things indicates you are already leaning towards an exit.

This has been my situation for the last few years and it's worked perfectly. Albeit we are only 45 mins apart.

We were waiting until our kids were at the right age to blend (one off at university now and the other is 15) he's also a co-parent and I'm a lone parent so slightly different situations.

I think it's really good to make time and space to see how each other parents etc

No no not a deal breaker, quite the contrary, I think it's been really good!

But yes we only see each other at weekends but holiday all together