Would this be a dealbreaker?

[Honeybunzz]

If you were dating someone and things were good and well however you only were able to see them once a week (sometimes twice but rarely and not overnight, just for a couple of hours).

Partner is a single father to teenage kids. I am single mother to young child. Both of us working full time. Living about 90 mins drive away from each other.

Would this be a dealbreaker or not?

YABU - once or twice a week is good enough.
YANBU - once or twice a week is not enough.

He sounds great, I wouldn’t want to lose him so it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me.

however I would want more communication in between visits as I need that to maintain some sort of connection. Even if it’s while I’m cleaning or cooking or driving , I like to chat.

Also I don’t understand why there are no over night visits. You could go to his on Friday nights or Saturday morning and stay until Sunday morning.

@Honeybunzz

How old are his teens? That makes a big difference.

I don't think his 'saving to buy a house near you' is realistic in the short/medium term if his kids have a few years of school left yet.

Will the kids have weekends at their Mums?

would you not consider renting your house out & renting up there. Moving one primary aged child is less problematic that several teens.

Or could you not move in with him?

you've known him 10+ years, he's not an unknown bloke...

@jeaux90

I can see how that would work but at least you have the weekends together and holiday together. We don’t. Weekends I’m lucky to see him as he often works on the weekend also (freelance work) and even if he intends to see me; if he is tired or working late- it’s too late or he is too exhausted to come over meaning I won’t see him and I’m hoping I will the next. We haven’t holidayed together yet and I think maybe this is something that’s bothering me too. Of course we have been taking things slowly but I don’t feel like we’re a family and the distance is now feeling like we’re completely disconnected.

@Pinkpinkpink15
staying over at his isn’t always feasible as again he is living in a temporary property which only has 3 bedrooms. Also his children haven’t met my child (which is something we have discussed but again we’ve been trying to take things slow) so me going over to stay on the weekend (when he would most likely be working) might be awkward.

Moving closer to him is not an option - it’s not the area I like or even want to live near and he is only there temporarily until he is able to get a more permanent based back in town where we both live. It would be pointless me handing over my tenancy to move to an area that he most likely won’t be living in another few months to a year.

Moving in together is an option however as I’ve previously said; I wouldn’t give up my house to live with a boyfriend I’m already questioning the longevity of the relationship. If we were married; I would consider it but won’t unless I’m not. I can’t risk it. As much as I’ve known him for 10 years; we haven’t dated for those 10 years and I’m still getting to know him as a partner and shortly after we got together; his life has changed dramatically - and I’m adjusting to that, so again marrying someone that I’m unsure if we will be able to sustain a marriage seems silly.

If you have a great connection it’s ok it maybe early days see how it goes you never know what the future holds but for right now go with it YOLO

@Nicetobenice67

Thanks. I’m just going to give it more time.

Absolutely the right thing to do ..you never know this could be the one just see and enjoy fingers crossed for your future x

@Honeybunzz

so he's only just got permanent residence of his children. Are they not seeing their mum at all now?

he's planning on moving them to where he was living & where you are living?

@Pinkpinkpink15

Yes, without going into too much detail. He had had his kids living with him for the past year and they were living closer to me in a private rented accommodation. The landlord sold the property and as he had nowhere else to go with the children; he had no choice other than to be house by the council - however they have placed him and the children in temporary accommodation 90 mins away. This is of course temporary until he is able to get a permanent residence back in town where we both were based- but that could be anything from months to years to get a permanent property.

He is hoping to of course get a more permanent property back in the town I live currently (and where he and the kids were living before - although not in the same house as me, just same area 20’ mins away from my house).

I’m in the same position. Our children are 15 and 16, both with us full time and so we don’t do overnights. It’s really tough - they have all met but neither feel it’s appropriate to totally integrate as they are different sexes with their own lives. We see each other generally once a week (was more over the summer as he took 6 months off work) and we just make the best of it knowing in a few years time, the children will need us less. I couldn’t give him up - he’s perfect for me and I love him more than anything. I miss him like mad, but we have to prioritise our children for now.

He is great in so many ways and our paths align wonderfully and I can imagine myself being with him for a long time; if not forever, but due to how strained things are now, I’m starting to think our dream may be a fairytale as I can’t imagine when things will get any easier.

He is wonderful in so many ways; he is emotionally connected to me, he is physically attractive and sexually we are great. I value his work ethics and his morals and he has been there for me through so much (loss of job/ relationship break ups/ house moves/ money issues and more) and I want to be there for him also but the distance is really starting to bother me.

This guy sounds like he is very much there for you, despite not being geographically there right now.

I was with my DD's father for 11 years of which we lived together for 10 and he was not as supportive /there for me like this man has been for you.

Following our break up (which came largely because I realised how little I was getting from that relationship), I used dating apps and lived the single life for a while and the chances of finding any kind of connection are very slim, let alone all of the connections you have mentioned above.

I can totally see your frustrations and although I don't think they are unreasonable, I do think you can't just throw the relationship away in order to stay amicable. Look at your options carefully, think/talk about how you can make it work.

Best of luck to you xx

I gave up a relationship where the guy moved away for his child, I couldn't handle the distance between us but he was also a poor communicator (and actually, so am I) and so we spoke less and less and eventually it fell apart.
I miss him like hell! I've tried to date other people and spent the time wishing I was with him.
If I could go back in time I'd try to make it work.

He also wanted to end the relationship in order to keep things amicable but all that happened was it went sour because I couldn't bear missing him so much and we stopped talking. So I wouldn't have "amicable" as an end goal.

What is happening with his DC's schools? Have they moved schools and would have to move again if they can back?

If they've not changed schools then I would wait for them to return. If they've moved then would be a lot to uproot them again?

In the short term no and if you're not looking for anything serious no, but if you are looking for something that could progress to be a longer term relationship then it might be better to call it a day now if there's no realistic way you can see you seeing eachother more.