To think this friendship is over?

[lovelyxbones]

There is a girl I have been friends with (although I don't think we are anymore) for the last 20 years, we were close growing up and would say we were best friends.
I moved 45 mins away when I met my partner around 4 years ago. It was always me driving to see her, she never asked to come and see where I'd moved to and just didn't really show much interest in my new life at all.
I then moved a little further and am now 1 hour away. I have lived here for 3 years this year, she's never asked to come and see the house and has never made the effort to come and see me, it has always been me driving to see her.

I now have a little girl who has just turned 1. I really struggled becoming a mum in the early months, but she has never once asked how I am or how my little girl is to this day. She never asked to come and see her, or even asked when she could come and see her. She met her for the first time when she was 5 months old and that was me driving to meet up with her and not her coming to me. She has never seen her again since.
I know she had been going through some stuff and I made the effort to reach out to her and let her know I'm here for her if she wants to chat, but she never once did the same for me when I had my daughter. I have always been a good friend to her and been there for her, but it seems she can't do the same for me when the shoe is on the other foot.
The thing that really put the cherry on the cake for me, is she never wished my little girl a happy first birthday. This may seem trivial to some, but if she really saw herself as my friend let alone my "best" friend, she would surely wish her a happy birthday?
I am pretty sure the friendship is over and I don't know whether to remove her from my socials or just leave it. I am done being the one making all the effort and I'm not about to drag my little girl around to see someone who isn't bothered about seeing her.

@AComboOfSocksandNeverEnoughPants

"I'm not convinced she's that invested in keeping the friendship, if not wishing a one year old a happy birthday is the thing that pushes her over the edge."

But it's not just that, it's a number of things that have built up. It's the fact I've been the one making all the effort since I moved 5 years ago, trying to be involved in her life, help her through her problems. I have my baby and she doesn't once ask how we are doing or if I'm ok.
And it's not just any one year old, it's my daughter, and I thought best friends were supposed to care about that kind of stuff.

Yes I did invite her but she would end up suggesting we meet elsewhere.

I would say since you moved she's drifted away from you.

The lack of Interest in seeing you or in your life suggests she's not that bothered. I'd take a step back and see if she makes any effort

I’ve friends who drifted out of my life around the moving house/young children stage, but quite a few I have a refreshed friendship with now we have teens and more time. Is she one of your ‘home’ friends, like from where you grew up, and only expects to see you if you are visiting family? Anyway, I’d leave it be for now if I were you.

I don't think it's personal...you are both in different life stages. If she's not interested in kids, then you can't feel offended she hasn't said happy birthday to a child she has only met once, regardless if you were mates for years. She has no idea how important it is, believe me.

Her dad has died, and she is in a funk. She is in the depths of grief and probably very inward thinking. Again, nothing personal. Losing a parent is a huge deal (I understand postnatal depression is hard). I wonder if she feels you could have done more for her when her dad died? I assume you know how it feels to be in the depths of despair but not know how to verbalise it or ask for support?

Just leave the friendship to one side and let her make the effort. If she doesn't, then your friendship has ran the course. I wouldn't cut her off as you might pick up later. You're both going through very difficult life changing situations but unable to support each other...right now. OK, it might be the end, but for you, just leave her to it for now and reevaluate another time. Cutting someone off is hard to come back from

Some of the responses on here... of course a friend would travel an hour and show an interest in your kid. If someone's a friend- you're naturally interested in their life. My eldest is 18 and three of my closest long term friends don't have children and they've always been interested in my kids because they're a part of my life. You don't have to have the exact same lives to talk about your friends' lives.

My honest opinion is that friendships go through different seasons. People can be bff's for years and then just be in a place where the occasional catch up is enough - for whatever reason - grown apart, different priorities, geography etc. Best thing is to shift expectations and not fall out/block/unfriend. Just move on, find new friends and see that person as an important part of your past, but maybe not quite as important now...

Sounds like the friendship came to the end of its natural life and you didn’t realise, OP. Unfortunate, but normal. You haven’t enough in common for it to continue. (Have you anything in common apart from shared history?)

I wouldn’t be surprised if your friend is quietly wishing you’d take the hint and drop it.

FWIW I have never had, or been, a friend who expects anyone to take notice of children’s birthdays. They’re of no interest at all to anyone except immediate family.

Thanks all, appreciate all the different views on my situation.
I do know that since she lost her dad, she has been out and about with other people, her friends who live closer to home, so it's not like she has been unable to go out or anything like that and she has been happy to be social.
I think the friendship has come to an end and when I think about it, our lives are so different now that I don't know what we have in common anymore and when I think about the last time we met up, it did feel different.

Just ask her?

I’m in a very similar situation with my childhood “best friend”. I moved 6 years ago, but it’s only since having my son that she’s quite so disinterested in my life. I’ve just given up now and it’s like a weight has been lifted!

Yes, this does sound very similar. I think I just need to forget about it and stop allowing it to take up so much time in my head!

Maybe it is just a case of us having different ways about us, but I have friends that have had babies and I have always been genuinely excited for them and made the effort to ask about them and see how they are getting on. I just thought that's what close friends did.
As for not wishing her a happy birthday because she probably just doesn't care about it, well I don't think I would want a "friend" in my life that doesn't care about my daughters birthdays let alone her first birthday so I think that's answered that question!

If this is right, it's actually a really blinkered and sad approach to life. There are millions of wonderful fabulous people in the world who will be great friends because they like/love the person but have ZERO interest in their children.

How you feel about other people's children just isn't the point here. It is very immature to abandon a friendship because someone isn't wishing a one year old happy birthday. I mean the one year old is incapable of registering it so it's just about you really! And the fact someone isn't interested in your child enough to wish them happy birthday does not make them a bad friend. It just makes them someone not interested in children or their friends children!

Would you care if a friend didn't wish your mother or granny a happy birthday? No because they are nothing to do with them or your friendship. A child's birthday is the same thing.

If you have kids the same age, then you may find more reciprocity but it's rarely because the friend actually cares. It's more about social politeness that's all. Like I said, realistically when all is said and done the only people truly and genuinely interested in your children are you and the father and possibly grandparents (but like I said not all of them).

You really are overweighting this nonsense about remembering your childs birthday and you need to grow up.

That is not to say as I've already said there aren't other issues with this friendship but this about the birthday is not one of them.

Similar sort of thing between me and all my old friends. I haven't moved but I was always the one to travel until I had a child then it all became a bit harder for me to put the effort in and I can't do anything fun anymore.

Also, I don't suppose its anything to do with the travel itself? I really hate driving, HUGE fear of mine. It would genuinely hold me back from making the journey to see a friend. Maybe she's uncomfortable with the drive? That might be why she's suggesting other places, perhaps those are routes that she's more comfortable with?

@ADrownedRat "You really are overweighting this nonsense about remembering your childs birthday and you need to grow up."

We've known each other since we were 9 years old, we're early 30s now. Sorry but I find it hard to believe that you would show 0 interest in the child of someone you've known for this amount of time and were always close to. Not only did she not wish her a happy birthday, she has not once asked how she is doing or how I am doing.
I don't think I need to grow up at all, I think my feelings are completely valid.

We've known each other since we were 9 years old, we're early 30s now. Sorry but I find it hard to believe that you would show 0 interest in the child of someone you've known for this amount of time and were always close to.

Hate to break it to you, OP, but if you have zero interest in children it doesn't matter whose they are. My best friend from school, who I also knew from about that age, had one child, and while I visited her in hospital to congratulate her afterward, it was about her, not the baby, and I certainly never remembered when the child's birthday was. I have absolutely no interest in anybody's children and the one friend I have at present who has a toddler (all my other friends are much older) has the sense not to expect people to feign interest in him when he has nothing to do with them.

Hate to break it to you, OP, but if you have zero interest in children it doesn't matter whose they are. My best friend from school, who I also knew from about that age, had one child, and while I visited her in hospital to congratulate her afterward, it was about her, not the baby, and I certainly never remembered when the child's birthday was. I have absolutely no interest in anybody's children and the one friend I have at present who has a toddler (all my other friends are much older) has the sense not to expect people to feign interest in him when he has nothing to do with them.

@lovelyxbones - read this from @Catsmere .

You are making a juvenille error of assuming that everyone thinks like you. Plenty of people have no interest in other peoples children and are only interested in there own. Plenty of people who don't have children aren't interested in any children full stop.

Not only did she not wish her a happy birthday, she has not once asked how she is doing or how I am doing.

you are moving the goal posts here but as I've said wanting someone who is your friend to care about wishing a one year old (who repeating has no idea what a birthday is at all) happy birthday is a both madness and a route to unhappiness.

asking "how she is doing" is in the same class. how exactly can a one year old be doing really? she's either healthy or not. if there is a problem, she'd expect you to tell her.

as for asking how you are doing - no one does that with good friends do they? because your good friends tell you without an enquiry as part of the normal flow of conversation.

you are moving the goals posts here because I was just specifically talking about the birthday of a one year old. If for you this is a hill to die on, you potentially will lose (and miss out on making new ) friends because NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN. ANYONE ASKING IS JUST BEING POLITE UNLESS THEY ARE DIRECTLY RELATED - and sometimes not even then - lots of posts on here whinging about disinterested grandparents, in-laws, aunts, uncles and so on.

If you persist in believing otherwise, carry on but you are seriously mistaken as not just me but others on this thread have also said.

again repeating, I'm just taking about this issue not other problems you may have with the friendship.

Been there and it made me sad but I drove 4 hours to be there for her when her marriage collapsed and stayed with her for the weekend (leaving my 4yo and 18mo twins with dh for 2 nights) and after I realised she’d never have done that for me. She’s made effort with other friends but never even seen my house (I’ve lived in this county for 20 years). We were stuck best friends, it still stings a little how quickly I was dropped when I moved away.

Ok, so you don't think people should give a crap about their best friend's children - fine. We can agree to disagree on that one.

No one asks how their best friends are doing after they've just had a baby? Even if they suspect they are struggling with it mentally?
You don't check in with your friends if you suspect they're having a hard time? Just to make sure they're ok and to let them know they have someone to talk to if they need it?
I knew she was having a hard time so I reached out to her and let her know I was there for her if she ever needed someone to speak to.

Ok, so you don't think people should give a crap about their best friend's children - fine. We can agree to disagree on that one.

"should" doesn't come into it. I was commenting on reality not aspiration.

When you've lost a parent (or anyone significant), you can be out and about having fun at times. You cannot be in a pit of misery all the time otherwise it consumes you.

It's possible she felt she could relate to these people and they cheered her up. It's amazing who pulls through at difficult times and usually the one you least expect too because there are no expectations.

All I am saying is you are both going through hard times and neither can offer the other emotional support in the way you both need and want. Just focus on other things for now but don't cut her off. That will come across as selfish and spiteful honest

I'd drop the indignation about your child's birthday and go back to the previous post where you acknowledged the friendship has run its course, OP.