To think this friendship is over?

[lovelyxbones]

There is a girl I have been friends with (although I don't think we are anymore) for the last 20 years, we were close growing up and would say we were best friends.
I moved 45 mins away when I met my partner around 4 years ago. It was always me driving to see her, she never asked to come and see where I'd moved to and just didn't really show much interest in my new life at all.
I then moved a little further and am now 1 hour away. I have lived here for 3 years this year, she's never asked to come and see the house and has never made the effort to come and see me, it has always been me driving to see her.

I now have a little girl who has just turned 1. I really struggled becoming a mum in the early months, but she has never once asked how I am or how my little girl is to this day. She never asked to come and see her, or even asked when she could come and see her. She met her for the first time when she was 5 months old and that was me driving to meet up with her and not her coming to me. She has never seen her again since.
I know she had been going through some stuff and I made the effort to reach out to her and let her know I'm here for her if she wants to chat, but she never once did the same for me when I had my daughter. I have always been a good friend to her and been there for her, but it seems she can't do the same for me when the shoe is on the other foot.
The thing that really put the cherry on the cake for me, is she never wished my little girl a happy first birthday. This may seem trivial to some, but if she really saw herself as my friend let alone my "best" friend, she would surely wish her a happy birthday?
I am pretty sure the friendship is over and I don't know whether to remove her from my socials or just leave it. I am done being the one making all the effort and I'm not about to drag my little girl around to see someone who isn't bothered about seeing her.

When I have had conversations with her, it has been about what she's going through in her life and I don't bring my baby up or talk about my life much at all unless she asks questions, as I have never wanted her to feel like I'm "rubbing it in". I did tell her things that were going on, like when I got engaged for example to keep her up to date and involved in my life but even then I didn't get much of a response back. She didn't ask how my other half proposed etc. whereas I feel that's something a best friend would want to know?
But in response to your question, no I don't only talk about my baby.

The thing that really put the cherry on the cake for me, is she never wished my little girl a happy first birthday. This may seem trivial to some, but if she really saw herself as my friend let alone my "best" friend, she would surely wish her a happy birthday?

Whatever the position with the rest of the relationship, this bit ^ is your issue not hers.

Children are really only interesting to their parents and for some people (not everyone ) their grandparents.
No one cares about your child's first birthday apart from you so you need to let this one go.
Someone can be a great friend and care about YOU without having any interest at all in your children. You may feel like your children are part of you and an extension of you so anyone who cares about you would care about them too but that's not real life.
Most people asking after children are really just being polite.

That's not to say you may have other issues in this friendship (such as her not making an effort to come to see you) but getting upset about a non-birthday wish is really daft. She probably doesn't even know her actual date of birth much less care.

You're lives are at different stages right now. You've drifted apart a bit but that doesn't mean your friendship is over. I don't know when my friend's kids birthdays are, and most of them don't know when my kids birthdays are (one does, she's taken on a bit of an extra auntie role)

She isn't your friend or best friend. If she was, of course she would wish your child a happy birthday and talk about her to you and visit you now and again. For whatever reason, she has withdrawn, perhaps into her own troubles or maybe she's resentful of your life circumstances, for instance, having a partner and a child.

My best friend lived around the corner, I moved up north she then got married and also moved north but still a good two hours away. For genuine friends you make the effort, it is give and take, you understand and can be open when you just can't make the journey and vice versa. And it's not just journeys, for genuine friends you make the effort to video call/text find out about eacch others lives and again have an understanding and openess if life is in a busy season and so you can't give them as much of you as you would normally.

It sounds as though you have drifted apart OP and this can feel painful and sad but it can be a part of life and you do just get to a point when the give and take balance is so skewed to one side that you need to evaluate whether you are willing to continue. My advice would be to let it fizzle out but keep a cordial tone should she ever text in future. Do you have other people and friends in your life you can depend on and meet with etc? Perhaps your energies would be better spent on those relationships for your own well being.

Sorry I don't know why this quoted you lollipop. And I am not savvy enough to figure out if I can unquote you

Maybe it is just a case of us having different ways about us, but I have friends that have had babies and I have always been genuinely excited for them and made the effort to ask about them and see how they are getting on. I just thought that's what close friends did.
As for not wishing her a happy birthday because she probably just doesn't care about it, well I don't think I would want a "friend" in my life that doesn't care about my daughters birthdays let alone her first birthday so I think that's answered that question!

For me, this balances on what you mean by she has been going through some stuff.

What is going through some stuff?

I had a friend of 10 yrs, bridesmaid, arranged hen do, involved with her 2 kids.

She lived north of London, I lived south of London. I always travelled to her; drove or got the train, she came to me twice I can think of.

Had my baby, she didn't visit. Met in the middle when my baby was 4 months. Then went to hers when baby was 8 months. That was the last time I saw her. She arranged once to come & visit but cancelled.

The friendship drifted, I decided to tell her that I was no longer interested in her friendship. She was very self-absorbed, I saw the signs before having my child but even more so after.

Having a baby is a significant event in your life & you don't expect your friend to be falling all over you & talking babies all the time but just to make an effort is all it takes, it can mean a lot.

I guess you just expect to be treated the way you treat your friends, doesn't happen like that though unfortunately.

My friendships are completely separate to mine and their children.

I want to know how my friends are doing, so naturally we talk about their children (and mine) - but I don't think any of us remembers when the others children's birthdays are, let alone makes sure to wish them a happy birthday. But then, while we all use it, none of us are people that post up every birthday or celebration on social media.

These are friends that I have had for many years, long before children were even thought about. We all moved away from where we grew up, then I moved back. And for a while, they were the ones that would visit me. I couldn't afford to visit them. Nowadays I probably visit them more. Thankfully nobody kept a tally!

If your friends wishing you children a happy birthday is something that you feel is important to you, then maybe your friendship is over. I'm glad I don't feel the same way, as I would lose out on having my most favourite people in my life.

She lost her dad around 5 months ago. I was there for her, at least I tried to be, but she never told me anything that was going on and I didn't want to push her if she didn't want to tell me. Months before she lost her dad she had already stopped updating me on her life and confiding in me about things like she used to.
I have sympathy that she lost her dad, as I imagine it has been tough for her, but when I had my baby I suffered quite badly with PND and during this I still made the effort to reach out to her a few times to let her know I was there for her if she ever wanted to talk. When we met up when my baby was 4 months old and I told her I had PND, her response was "I thought you did, I thought I better just leave you to it" as she had never reached out to me once to ask how I was getting on or if I was ok.

All 3 of my other half's best friends wished our daughter a happy birthday and even made the effort to drop her a birthday card round the house. One of them lives 1hr30 from us and sent her a birthday card in the post...

It feels like there is maybe some relevant context missing here. Is she unhappily single and wanting a child? Could she be finding it difficult to be around you for that reason?

Are you sure you didn’t just drop her when you met your Partner and now the honeymoon period is over you want her to care?

I have been the old best friend in that scenario. Sometimes, we just don’t keep waiting and move on.

No. I have been with my partner for 5 and a half years now and even in the very beginning I made the effort to drive to her to hang out, I always have done. I think having my daughter has made me realise what little effort she makes.

As far as I'm aware, she's in a same sex relationship and she has always told me she isn't bothered about having children.

What other people do isn't really relevant here.

What is relevant is whether or not this person is someone you want to keep in your life. At the moment you are at different stages, different locations, and you've both been going through stuff.

Is your friendship important enough to withstand that?

I've had friendships that haven't withstood tough times, I'm sure we all have. I've also had the friendships I talked about that have gone through long periods of little communication, there are big age gaps between our children, which changed things temporarily, they've survived living hundreds of miles apart, they've survived us all going through shitty times and bereavements while not being close enough to be a really good support. They will be in my life forever.

Which one do you want this friend to be?

That's the point.

Well from the sound of it the friend is or has been someone she wants to keep in her life, the problem is it isn’t mutual. There’s only so long you can give out without getting anything back.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation. I used to live in a really cool place and one of my closest friends at the time came to visit me several times (I also visited her back home). When I left that place she stopped and became very flakey. Always ill at the last minute wherever we were going to meet, and it was always diarrhoea. We now live within one hour of each other but haven't seen each other at all since I moved back here. I tried to meet up at first but it was really hard to pin her down. In the end I just left the ball in her court and it's now going on 7 years since I've seen her. I've graduated, changed jobs twice, bought a house, got engaged and married, and had a baby in that time and she doesn't know about any of that stuff. I also have no idea what she is up to either as I have long since muted her on FB.

There’s the old saying that friends are for life, a season or a reason.

Sounds like your friendship with her has passed as a season. Remember the good times and just stop contacting her.

I’ve had the same on occasion. Just friendships I/they don’t have time/desire to keep up.

On the other hand, there are friendships that last the decades and distance, because both sides put in effort.

I agree with your last sentence. If the friends isn't interested in continuing the friendship with op, there's nothing op can do.

But it could be a temporary 'blip' caused by everything that has been going on (location change, bereavement, new family) and in time, things could settle into a new normal.

And only op can decide if the friendship is important enough for her to ride that out and see what happens. I'm not convinced she's that invested in keeping the friendship, if not wishing a one year old a happy birthday is the thing that pushes her over the edge.

But the OP hasn't expected her friend to do ALL the visits. The OP has done all the driving back, made all the effort to keep the friendship going, but the friend has made no effort at all.

People should be allowed to move out of the area without being cut off and resented fgs! Life changes circumstances for lots of people, including having to move. It doesn't mean they're terrible people who deserve to be punished by permanently ostracising them forever more.

Are you saying that you have literally cut off anyone who dared to move away from the area you live in? Because that's very self centred.

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's hurtful when things drift. I'd ask though, when you think back, has her behaviour changed since before you moved? Perhaps if you critique it you'll realise her lack of effort predates your move.

I had a very similar situation, friends since 2001. She married 10 years before me and had her children earlier than I did, so I made all the effort. I travelled to whatever country she was living in, sent parcels, was the one keeping in touch as I presumed she'd be busy with the kids so I had really low expectations. When she had her first kid my mum and I travelled abroad to where she was living, put ourselves up in a hotel and threw her a baby shower with all her local friends.

Fast forward to when it was my turn to have the baby, and I literally have barely heard from her in 5 years. Her children are teens now and she doesn't work, so there's no way she doesn't have time to pick up the phone. Once I got busy and couldn't carry the friendship it totally and utterly died. I didn't realise how dead it was until last summer when we were travelling past her house en-route to a holiday and asked to hang out. She said she was away. It turns out she was away in the same place we told her we were going on holiday but she didn't say anything. Ceased contact after that.

It's really hard to give up on something after two decades but honestly there has to be give and take or what's the point?!

Sack her off, OP. She doesn’t deserve this free space she’s getting in your head.

I hope you find nicer people.

I’ve made more effort with colleagues’ kids then she has with you.

I’m with you on most of it but did you invite her to see your new houses? Maybe she was waiting for an invite?