Husband wanting me to walk away if child is hurt

[Upsetface]

Ds is 16 months. Myself and dh had an awful argument this morning as ds fell dh picked him up for comfort and he reached out for me. DH wouldn't let me take him and then said I should go to the other room as I was preventing him from being able to provide comfort. This erupted as I did leave the room but hovered as it distressed me to walk away and also to be sent away. I don't agree with running in to take over and I have been too anxious earlier on so possibly guilty of this before, but I do think ds should be able to choose comfort from me if I'm in the room. The atmosphere between us is awful now. Aibu?

I think he had a point and you should respect his perspective. He's not proposing you leave your child uncomforted. He's just asking for the space to create a stronger relationship with his own DC without you always stepping in. And it was a tumble over, not a huge emotional trauma. Hovering all the time is pretty undermining.

How is your DS ever going to know that his daddy can make him feel better just as well as mummy can if you try to take over?
Also, the title of your post implies that your DH wants to leave your DS alone when he’s hurt. That’s not the case is it?

Sorry I'm with your husband too. My son and my husband have always provided comfort. The other day my grandson was poorly he spent the whole afternoon dozing on grandpa's stomach. It's very sweet. And very useful when you've things to do or other children to care for.

If DS reached for you then you should be able to comfort him.

But it’s also in your self-interest to let DH comfort him, otherwise you’ll be the one doing all the night wakings etc.

Does DH actually comfort ds or does he ignore him?

Your husband had things under control. No need to hover and undermine him. Let him build the bond so you son trusts him too.

I partially disagree. Yes he needs to be able to comfort his son, and the best way to build that up is by spending time with him.

I don’t think a distressed child reaching for his mum should be denied her cuddles though. When grandparents do that on here they get lambasted!

The child should not be taken away from their source of comfort when they are distressed!

I had a friend who believed that only she could comfort her son. I saw her drag her perfectly calm chid out of her husband's arms during a thunder storm because "he needed his mother". I felt so sorry for her husband that she had such a low opinion of his parenting ability.

Some men get tarred with the same brush as all useless fathers and here's one who is absolutely capable. Let him.

You should be able to comfort him if there and he wants you. However your husband should be having time with him one to one and that will give dc the opportunity to learn that dad can comfort too.

I'd let the 16 month old go to the person she/he was reaching out to (and strange to deny him/her that). He was a toddler wanting comfort not a life lesson. Parent's need to 'prove' themselves shouldn't trump their child.

I agree and disagree. In general it might help to allow DH opportunities to build a bond so that your child does want to go to him more. He may already do that but is there an opportunity to do that - bath time, bedtime for example?

I understand why Dh felt that way if you were hovering about. I also see how it doesn't feel right to just ignore your child wanting you for comfort

It should be able who the child wants the comfort from. Not for dh to decide he wants to do it.

I used be a nanny and the dad dropped the toddler from his shoulders. We all went the sit and the child sat on mums knee crying the whole time as she wanted me. I looked after her 6/7 days so we had a strong bond. Mum wouldn't let me take her. I understood why but I still think it was wrong.

I don't think you can compare grandparents with the child's father, though.

I see both sides - it's normal for small children to have a favourite parent but equally both parents need to be able to provide comfort/care to their child.

I think if DH was dealing with the situation, he should have been let to get on with it, though.

The child should choose who he wants comfort from. Dad can pick.him up but if he wants mum he should be allowed to go to mum. No harm in mum strategically leaving the room or being busy so that dad gets a chance initially. However dad should do plenty of sole charge care so that opportunities to comfort the child arise naturally.

That isn’t what happened here though. The child reached for his mother.
We always just let our children go to whoever they reached for, as that’s obviously who they wanted to comfort them at that particular time.

I don't think it's fair on the child to be prevented from receiving comfort from their mother.

To be fair if I hear my 3 or 4 year old crying and my husband is nearer or in the same room I leave him to deal with it. The exception being if it's a blood curling fallen down the stairs / blood escaping scream then I'd run the earth to get to them. He told me once when DD was the same age as your little one that I was interfering and undermining him. I took it on board, if the kids need reassurance then they come and find me but I let him deal with it first if he's the first one there. As a result they don't hang off my hip for every minor digression and will tolerate him in the night usually.

What sort of parent wants to make a point when their child is hurt and wants the other parent. It's a perfectly normal and natural stage and to point score over it is really sad. If your child has a lot of time with their dad he'll have lots of chances to bond and next time you pick him up he might want his dad. And now the child is in the middle of parents falling out, great!

I think if you're both there then the child should be comforted by whoever they reach for. Your DH was thinking of himself by stopping your son going to you.

There will be many times that DH can comfort DS if they regularly spend time just the two of them. As long as they have their own bond I don't see what the issue is with DS wanting a cuddle from his mum.

He does solo care, nightfeeds etc no problem, does bath and bed time, stories, play, outings. I feel he has a really good bond, but it never seems quite enough. There have been times where DS hasn't wanted DH at all, but not many. If DS is hurt and he can see me or I am there I am generally who he wants for comfort. Which is what happened today. I feel if he's reaching for me and I walk away it is distressing. Generally if a tumble happens or he is really upset for any reason and I'm in the room he wants me. I feel I put a lot of effort into encouraging a strong bond between ds and dh, but I just can't agree with this and find it emotionally distressing and draining. I don't think it will help. Also aware I may be undermining, but I feel I'm walking on eggshells sometimes and I should be able to respond naturally.

I agree with you OP. DH has a good bond and presumably comforts DC when you aren't there. But if a small child wants mum when upset, you hug them. If they want their bunny, or a blanket, or some milk, that's OK too.

It's almost like DH's need is trumping DC's. Which is weird.

Yeah, with your husband, you sound controlling.

There is a difference between you being in the same area when he gets hurt and him reaching to you for comfort by default vs you running from the other side of the house if you heard a cry. In the case of the former, whichever parent the child reaches for would comfort them but the latter, it’s reasonable to leave your DH to it unless it sounds like something serious has happened

I think your toddler reaching for you, and your DH sending you away into another room because he wants to comfort him, is ridiculous!

You rushing in to take your child when DH is already dealing with it is a completely different scenario.

Both of mine, always want me when they've hurt themselves. I think that's pretty normal. I think your dh is making an issue where there is none.

Jesus. Relationships are made during peaceful times not traumatic ones. He wants a relationship he needs to invest time not just comfort him when he’s in pain.