Husband wanting me to walk away if child is hurt

[Upsetface]

Ds is 16 months. Myself and dh had an awful argument this morning as ds fell dh picked him up for comfort and he reached out for me. DH wouldn't let me take him and then said I should go to the other room as I was preventing him from being able to provide comfort. This erupted as I did leave the room but hovered as it distressed me to walk away and also to be sent away. I don't agree with running in to take over and I have been too anxious earlier on so possibly guilty of this before, but I do think ds should be able to choose comfort from me if I'm in the room. The atmosphere between us is awful now. Aibu?

From what you describe here I totally agree with your feelings and feel you are right. All you can do is articulate exactly what you just said here to him . It may lead to a wider discussion about him feeling less important or undermined in a wider context. And I'm not saying that is anything you have done btw. I hope he's good at listening and hearing you. It's very difficult. I remember having to hand my son over to his dad and he'd cry and cry. ( Separated). I'd be in absolute turmoil. Dad just didn't feel it at all. It was a case of oh he will be ok stop fussing. I think this dynamic is very common whether together or separate. Men just seem to come at this from a different place with less empathy for the child based on lots of conversations I have with friends.

I'm prepared to be whipped for generalising massively here 😬☺️

Agree with this. My friend's DH was the same - didn't put the hours in with the child, but wanted to be the hero when child hurt themselves. He literally shoved my friend away once at a party when child fell over so that he could get there first, but not out of concern for child, merely to be the 'saviour'. Vile man.

@Charlingspont the man you describe behaved just like my exH. For two years I felt like the OP, second guessing when it was “okay” to comfort my child - even interact with them - because he HAD to be more important and more heroic. I feel sad for the OP because I know in my situation it wasn’t just about the giving comfort, there was sooo much more simmering away under his, eventually obvious, resentment. I hope this isn’t the case for you, @Upsetface , but I want you to know I understand that nasty feeling of self-doubt. I used to get told to leave the area, got tutted at if I dared to make even the most quiet sympathetic noises and “oops up you get” in the case of tumbles…his training of me worked for a short time. I decided it was more damaging for my Dd to be confused as to why I was essentially refusing to give comfort and freezing them out when they were hurt or sad than anything else. I saw eventually that exH was actually trying to break the bond I had out of spite for me. This came to a head when he said he couldn’t wait for her to be a teenager and hate me as that’s all I deserve. I’m so grateful to have had the courage to leave.

Your son wants who he wants for comfort. That’s understandable.

But one day you might not be there when he’s hurt. And then it’s going to be a lot harder for both your son to be comforted and husband to comfort him.

Yoire feelings are completely valid, you’re allowed to worry, and you’re allowed to want and need to provide comfort to DS. But your husband isn’t wrong either. Nobody is wrong here - you both just need to find a compromise.

My husband has a great relationship to our two boys. When he's with them alone, he'll comfort them and they'll go to him. But if I'm there, they want me. Husband picks up, comforts while bringing them over to me. I don't see why my child should be forced to stay away from me if I'm there and they want me. My husband is also secure enough in his bond with his children that he knows sometimes they just want mum.