To think this is an awful way to break news

[LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh]

DM messaged me and DB a few days ago asking if we were free for a family call this weekend to discuss something. DB said he wasn’t going to be available, so asked what the call was about. DM refused to say. DF has had serious health issues and a few years ago came close to dying. DB asked if we should be worried and DM said that nobody was dying but we needed to speak with all of us together. We said we were free right then and there but DM said she was on her way to bed. We suggested Friday but she said she was going out, so DB has now rearranged his plans so we can all speak tonight.

I’ve been trying and failing to put it out of my mind, as knowing DM it could be life-altering news (good or bad), or something relatively trivial. She doesn’t always consider how what she says or does affects the people around her. Our family was enmeshed when I was growing up, so I have quite firm boundaries now. The cynical part of me feels manipulated, as it seems obvious that DB and I would’ve spent the last three days obsessing over what the news could be and assuming the worst.

YABU - big family news should be discussed with everyone present and DM has done nothing wrong in how she’s organised it

YANBU - it sounds like DM has been insensitive and there are more tactful ways this could’ve been arranged.

I agree. Don't tell someone you're going to hit them with bad news in three days time, then leave them anxiously ruminating. If they say "tell me now" you should tell them now.

I totally appreciate how you feel about it, I’d be the same and wouldn’t have been able to stop worrying about it until I knew!

BUT I do think that actually for big family news then the best thing is for everyone to discuss together so your mum hasn’t really done anything wrong by organising a time when everyone is available.

This is infuriating. Making folk anxious and worried like this. Refuse to go to the meeting and insist she tells you immediately. If she doesnt her loss. Id say this was attention seeking strategy. She sounds a total pain in the neck.

Have you got POAs in place, could it be that? Downsizing?

I would say if it was life threatening she wouldn’t wait. It’s probably someone that’s going to take some time, and maybe she needs to prepare herself/paperwork. Could they have decided to move into supported living or start a new course of treatment? Both these things would take some discussing

editing to say, she has said no one’s dying, it doesn’t have to be bad news, just something she wants to explain the one time everyone together, doesn’t mean it’s bad news though

Whatever it is, she's caused worry. I'm struggling to think of something that she couldn't have told you separately on a phone call.

There is another current thread where someone was complaining that bad news was given by text by MIL.

It’a really hard to get it right to ensure all the involved people now at the same time

@Viviennemary This is what DH suggested. He says it’s attention seeking and I should refuse to play along but I’m not sure if it is attention seeking or just thoughtless.

@crumblingschools No POA. Could be downsizing, as they’re still in our family home. Although they considered moving several years ago and it was discussed in a general conversation with us separately.

YANBU. Hope it goes OK op x

@Grumpynan They’re hopefully still a way off supported living. When DF had a check a couple of months ago all was fine and as far as I know he’s had no scheduled appointments since then.

She reassured you that nobody is dying, so I don’t think it’s the wrong approach for big news. Text is the wrong medium for it and I doubt they want to have what could be a long or difficult conversation twice, with neither you nor DB being on the same page as a result. I think it’s a bit sad that your automatic view is that your parents are “attention seeking” by trying to involve everyone. Whatever it is, they’re going to be as affected as you are, if not more.

How old are your parents?

@ComtesseDeSpair I feel sad that I have that opinion and I wish I didn’t, but unfortunately it’s based on years of experience. It is true that whatever it is will likely affect them more, so that’s a helpful way to look at it to feel less cynical.

@crumblingschools they're in their 60’s

There was no suggestion of any bad news though. Just wanted a family discussion. Could be anything.

Maybe make more time for them . Surely your life isn't so special or busy that you can't spare a bit of time for them ? My brothers were like this with my parents when they were alive and left all the caring to me . That upset me because my parents wanted tbeir time more than anything. (My own feelings aside). I had my own life and family too. You have plenty of spare time when they are dead and no one is talking about boundary stepping but calling your mother /MIL attention seeking when she has potentially serious news for you in a tad cold.

I don't think they are being unreasonable wanting to tell everyone at once, but it would be better to just invite everyone over for dinner without the big cliff hanger.

Personally, I would work on the basis that it is probably nothing until you hear otherwise. Especially as there is previous form. Also, 90% of what we worry about never actually happens.

I’d reserve judgement until you find out what the news is if I were you.

DH sounds like he is the one attention seeking. She had simply asked for a family discussion at a time when people have time to discuss it properly.

I'm going against the grain to say she is nbu. She wants to chat to you both together and has named a time and day that suits, with some notice. She could have allowed for dB to change it tho as he had plans. However I have had a lot of these facetime family meetings in recent years so it wouldn't cost me any thought until I'm sitting down to listen. Hope all is well.

'I'm available for the next 30 minutes or not at all' would have been a response I would have supported the OP doing. No way should you post that bad news will be delivered in three or four days time.

She hasn't said it's bad news.

@leftmeforasodjer I saw her on Monday. And the week before. And took her out for a meal the week before that.

Edited to correct the day

He really isn’t. He’s a very lovely man and is also worried about what the news could be as his DF has also had some awful health problems recently and he knows how tough it is. He’s very protective of me and is the one who picks up the pieces when there is conflict with DM. It’s taken me a long while to establish appropriate boundaries and I never would’ve been able to without his support.