To think this is an awful way to break news

[LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh]

DM messaged me and DB a few days ago asking if we were free for a family call this weekend to discuss something. DB said he wasn’t going to be available, so asked what the call was about. DM refused to say. DF has had serious health issues and a few years ago came close to dying. DB asked if we should be worried and DM said that nobody was dying but we needed to speak with all of us together. We said we were free right then and there but DM said she was on her way to bed. We suggested Friday but she said she was going out, so DB has now rearranged his plans so we can all speak tonight.

I’ve been trying and failing to put it out of my mind, as knowing DM it could be life-altering news (good or bad), or something relatively trivial. She doesn’t always consider how what she says or does affects the people around her. Our family was enmeshed when I was growing up, so I have quite firm boundaries now. The cynical part of me feels manipulated, as it seems obvious that DB and I would’ve spent the last three days obsessing over what the news could be and assuming the worst.

YABU - big family news should be discussed with everyone present and DM has done nothing wrong in how she’s organised it

YANBU - it sounds like DM has been insensitive and there are more tactful ways this could’ve been arranged.

If there are health concerns with parents, would be good to chat about POA

@mikado1 I think that’s what has worried me is that she thinks the conversation is so important that he needed to change his plans. But then again it wasn’t important enough for her to change her plans or even go to be a little later.

She hasn't said it IS bad news. She wants a family discussion. It is amazing so many people have jumped to the same incorrect conclusion based on what we were told. The mother may not even realise that OP is fretting over what may be a non controversial family discussion over something which may be as basic as we are clearing out the loft and need you to decide which of rhe childhood toys you want to keep or bin or we are redoing our wills and want you both to be executors or only one of you as executor and this is why.

@crumblingschools maybe that’s what she wants to speak about. It’s not something that’s ever been mentioned and I honestly don’t think they’d make a big deal out of it.

They recently did (maybe redid, I’m not sure) their will and made me executor but the way I found out was that I got sent an email from the company who wrote the will, informing me what I’d have to do in the event of a death…

Ime we've always said would Sunday suit etc and arrange a mutually suitable time. After years of caring and worrying, I know don't tend to worry so much about things as I had to learn to live outside of the tough times and I deal with things as they come. Not easy to switch the worry off I know but try to just say 'We'll find out later.' POA sounds like a possibility or a downsize.

@LlynTegid I did suggest that we speak then. I just never know if I’m being too harsh when it comes to things like this. I do still want them to feel supported if it’s something terrible.

Whenever my parents do this it always ends up being something like "we're redoing the kitchen" or "we're redoing our will to leave the grandkids our Spode".

I've learned to stop worrying about it being anything serious, you have to. But yeah, I do think they're doing it to be manipulate you into worrying about them

@mikado1 I should be able to stitch the worry off. I can be quite anxious at times, so it’s difficult for me not to ruminate. Once I’ve had bad news I can process it and work out what needs to happen next, but having the possibility hanging over me is stressful.

But like you and others have pointed out, it isn’t necessarily bad news.

It was the way it was phrased that’s made me think it is. ‘Do we have anything to worry about?’ ‘Nobody’s dying, let’s speak when we’re all together’.

@Ticktapticktap It will upset me if it’s something like that because a simple, “it’s nothing bad or anything to be worried about, we just think it’s something that needs a whole family discussion” would be fine. The coyness is what makes it feel manipulative.

Ok well then I think I'd try to harness this way of thinking 'No problem Mum, talk Saturday' and don't give it another minute's thought until then, inner eyeroll perhaps! Ruminating is the worst, I was one of those.

I don't understand how some families operate on such poor communication and drama. Dh's family can be a little bit like that but it just wouldn't happen in my family, we are quite open and the phone call a few days ago would have just been along the lines of "we need to talk about power of attorney/will/downsizing/thinking of moving abroad, when are you all available for a discussion together?"

Did you brother actually just say "I'm not available at the weekend" even after she'd asked for a time at the weekend when she could schedule a family call? Or did he explain and specify what he was doing eg "I'm away on a stag do all weekend/I'm working away for the weekend and it will be difficult to call but let me know when you're thinking and I'll see if I can manage it". If there IS something very important she wants to discuss it's a bit shit if your brother just said "I'm not available". Are you all just so terribly busy that you can't make half an hour during your whole weekend to speak to your mother? What was wrong with the rest of the day today, why did it have to be scheduled into the evening? Or what was wrong with Friday any time before she went out?

If it was that important, she wouldn't have gone to bed and would have had the conversation then and there, not been happy to wait three days.

IME conversations like this always end up being about something really minor.

@CurlyhairedAssassin luckily DH and I are very low drama and our kids will get to grow up in a house where communication is very straight forward.

We are both very busy with family life and full time work, however it’s not a case of us not making the time. DM specifically stated it would be 7pm on Saturday and DB said he had plans on Saturday evening but would rearrange if it was something important. He has since rearranged his plans. I said I could do whenever as long as it wasn’t when I was at work on Friday or during the bedtime routine. DM was the one who said not Friday, regardless of the time and not today other than at 7pm.

@fieldsofbutterflies I really hope you’re right. As frustrating as it will be to have spent days worrying, and as annoyed DB will likely be at having changed his plans, I’d rather it was something minor.

Ask her if a trumpet will be sufficient for her announcement or will she need the full orchestra.

Honestly, if it isn't bad news she should have said so clearly to prevent them worrying.

I think if it's bad/good/whatever news why the heck couldn't she do it there and then? 'Going to bed' seems pretty trivial excuse.

I agree with your husband. It’s attention seeking.

I’d probably go out and pretend I forgot about the call. 😅

Hopefully it's nothing too bad or it wouldn't have been able to wait.

This would definitely irritate me too, I can’t stand guessing games or people just not being straightforward. I’d definitely be more annoyed than anxious, but maybe that’s a reflection on my family dynamic!

Quite.

If she's said no one is dying, I would take that as it being nothing urgent or upsetting but it's drama llama-y to leave you on a cliffhanger. Did she end the call with the Eastenders dff dffs?

She could have said 'I just want to chat about our wills' or 'it's about the new colour scheme for the downstairs loo' or 'can you have a think about what would be a good tattoo for me to get.'

Good luck

Could they be thinking about making their wills?
But I agree - this secrecy is unnecessary and causing you worry whatever it’s about. I hope everything is ok.

Your DM probably has very little drama in life.
She’s going to make the most of any opportunity however trivial.

I hope it is something simple op x