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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say absolutely no way

61 replies

mamamamaa · 06/04/2024 13:18

I have a friend I've known since university, I'll call her Emma, me and Emma have a really good relationship and her oldest DS is a year older than my oldest DS (eight and seven), she also has a younger son who's three and I have a daughter who is one. Around 6 months ago I agreed that both of her children can come for asleep over at my house as DS gets on really well with them. I was apprehensive as DD was only small but I thought it would be nice for my son to have something after my daughter having the attention for the past six or so months. Chaos ensued after the children were put to bed they were screaming banging and jumping on the beds and not quitening down when me and DH asked them to we that wake the baby and that we have neighbours who don't want to hear their screeching. After around 3 times DH went in and said that this was their final chance and if they didn't quite down X and y couldn't come for a sleepover ever again. This did the trick for DS and he calmed down and went to sleep about half an hour after DH went in. However Emma's children persisted screaming, shouting, banging to the point where they woke DD ( her rooms next door) I removed them into the spare room so DS and DS wasn't disturbed and no more of his toys got broken (which had happened earlier in the evening). When I put them in the spare room I told him that this was their last chance it was now 11 o'clock and if they didn't go to sleep I would call their mom to which the children said no! Mummy will shout', it quietened down a little, however there was still shouting, when I went In for the final time i discovered Enmas children had pulled one of my pot plants out and there was soil all over the floor and had pulled a picture down so I ended up taking the children home at half 11 at night. I was very explicit in saying Emma's children would not be welcome to sleep over again.
Fast forward to this morning me Emma and the children all met up at the park, in spite of this DS and Emma's children still have a really good friendship and they were playing together and DS came over to me and Emma and asked if X and y could sleep over again I said absolutely not due to the shenanigans that happened last time, I explained to DS that I know I knew that it wasn't his fault because he went to sleep and was a good boy but they're not staying over again because their behavior was unacceptable. Went home and I got a text from Emma saying the the way I spoke about her children was unacceptable and that she was very upset with me. I've spoken to DH he doesn't think that I've done anything wrong all I've done is stated fact. But I'm in the dog house with Emma for not acknowledging her children as perfect angels. Was I unreasonable to say no and explain why to DS?

OP posts:

IfIwasrude · 06/04/2024 13:21

It was unnecessary to talk about how he was a good boy etc.. Time to use some tact and let it go.

DinaofCloud9 · 06/04/2024 13:21

You're not in the doghouse with Emma for "not acknowledging her children as perfect angels" though are you?

You've made your own child out to be the perfect angel. Which is highly doubt is true.

That's why she's upset and you know it.

protectthesmallones · 06/04/2024 13:22

I would have said, sorry I didn't cope well with the sleepover. Let's revisit this when they are all a bit older. And left it at that.

She knows they are badly behaved as you returned them home. And you didn't cope (who would!) with them sleeping over. But this way it's kinder and would preserve a friendship.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 06/04/2024 13:22

You really shouldn't have spoken about them like that in front of her, no.

A simple "not tonight" would have done without the "you were a perfect little sweetheart and they were awful" lecture.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/04/2024 13:22

Oh well, maybe Emma should realise that their behaviour needs to be dealt with, and not by shouting. I do find that children whose parents shout at them, and are overly strict, are a nightmare to control when they’re away from that parent. They just look at you blankly when you tell them not to do something and why.

I might relent after a longer period has passed and have just the older one if your DS really wants but never both again.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/04/2024 13:23

I also would have told Emma at the time, but would have said it again in front of her as you did.

Medschoolmum · 06/04/2024 13:23

Yeah, I think you were unreasonable and rude, sorry. Fine to say no to any more sleepovers, but totally inappropriate to say what you said. The friendship may not recover.

FWIW, I think you were being unreasonable to expect a 3yo to cope with a sleepover anyway, it's far too young imho.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2024 13:25

I would have told Emma at the time of the sleepover so that she was in no doubt that it wouldn’t be happening again.

If you really said all that about her kids being awful but yours being great in front of them all, that was really unnecessary. Why mention your child at all then??

Emma and asked if X and y could sleep over again

I don’t get why she asked you again? Why doesn’t she host a sleepover at her house if she’s so keen? I have never been asked by someone if their kids could sleep at my house, that isn’t how it works!

Heronwatcher · 06/04/2024 13:26

I think you went over the top- I’d have said something like, sorry no as it didn’t really work last time, I think X and Y find it difficult to sleep at our house, why don’t they come over for tea instead?. I can see why she’d be a bit put out TBH.

In my opinion they were much too young for a sleep over the first time too- I think it was bad judgement on your part more than anything else. My kids would have probably been a nightmare at that age too.

cheddercherry · 06/04/2024 13:29

No need to ham it up again in front of the kids that your kids were behaved and hers were feral. You explained when you dropped them off why they were sent home, she knows why too. No need to outline it again today when you could have just said no - it’s the type of think kids cling on to “ my mummy says you’re naughty” and it’s obviously embarrassing to your friends. Plus what kid wants to be told off again and called naughty for something that happened ages ago like that’s all they are, some naughty child leading yours astray? It was one time, you sorted it, move on. It is just unnecessary all round to bring it up again in front of the kids

But I think you were both unrealistic to expect a three year old to stay over and be calm and act like 7/8 year olds so. It surprised it was madness.

Fedupwithitx · 06/04/2024 13:29

You really didn't need to put it the way you did, it sounds like you enjoyed boasting about your own DC, and in the same sentence bad mouthing hers.
Almost very condescending also.
I would definitely apologise, and think before you speak next time

Medschoolmum · 06/04/2024 13:29

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2024 13:25

I would have told Emma at the time of the sleepover so that she was in no doubt that it wouldn’t be happening again.

If you really said all that about her kids being awful but yours being great in front of them all, that was really unnecessary. Why mention your child at all then??

Emma and asked if X and y could sleep over again

Edited

It was the OP's DS who asked.

peppernuts · 06/04/2024 13:32

If you don't want to be friends with her, of course you can slag her children off in front of her...

A simple 'no sleepovers tonight because of what happened last time' would have been more than enough.

The children are all still very young. What were you expecting!?

I hope your children don't ever act up!

Letsgocamping67 · 06/04/2024 13:33

You probably went over the top a bit and the big mistake was having her 3yo. Why would you do that. Even 7 and 8 is too young imo. Sleepovers were always horrific here, hyped up manic DC and hers doing that to your plant etc is unforgivable.

vincettenoir · 06/04/2024 13:34

YABU. Emma's dc are a bit young for a sleepover and it didn't work out last time. You just needed to tell your son that rather than talk about Emma's children like they were the villains of the piece in front of them. Hurtful for them and their mum and completely unnecessary in the circumstances.

beAsensible1 · 06/04/2024 13:37

That was a very nasty thing to say OP. Comparing the children to your DS was wrong especially to him and In front of your friend.

very easy to say to them no sleepover due to the misbehaving last time.

Medschoolmum · 06/04/2024 13:37

Look, OP, you're probably going to get your arse handed to you on a plate on this thread. Not a pleasant experience and probably not the reaction that your were expecting, but hopefully you will be able to learn from it.

If you take it on the chin, reflect on why Emma is upset and apologise profusely, you may still be able to salvage the friendship.

Good luck!

OutOfTheHouse · 06/04/2024 13:39

I don’t understand why the three year old was there.

The older two are the right age to be friends but would they really have any interest in a 3 year old?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 06/04/2024 13:39

Not at all unreasonable to not host another sleepover, but completely unreasonable to speak to your ds about her children like that. "Maybe some other time" etc would have been fine

SalmonEile · 06/04/2024 13:42

Have you and Emma ever spoken about the sleepover?

Medschoolmum · 06/04/2024 13:44

OutOfTheHouse · 06/04/2024 13:39

I don’t understand why the three year old was there.

The older two are the right age to be friends but would they really have any interest in a 3 year old?

I'm guessing that the OP thought she was doing a nice thing by hosting both of the children. And to be fair, her friend allowed both of them to go to the sleepover for some reason.

As things transpired, it emerged that the OP and her DH didn't have the skills to manage the situation effectively, so the plan had to be aborted. Fair enough, but the intentions were probably good.

The really unfortunate bit is the conversation in the park. It's hardly surprising that Emma is fuming, but the fact that the OP has posted the thread here suggests that her comments reflect a lack of self awareness rather than any intentional malice.

Familiaritybreedscontemptso · 06/04/2024 13:46

Very unreasonable to speak about other children like that in front of dc - oh it wasn’t you darling (who was in your own home, own bed, own parents, own bedtime routine etc etc therefore with favourable conditions to go to sleep) it was those other nasty children (who were in a different place, different routine, not their parents ie set up to fail). Not a positive way to raise your dc.

A bit unreasonable in the way you handled the sleepover too imo, once you could see they weren’t settling why didn’t you or dh just sit in there with them until they went to sleep. Children never sleep as well away from home & 3 is very little.

You haven’t been very nice about the whole thing. No wonder Emma is feeling a bit hurt.

namechange1986 · 06/04/2024 13:46

You were unnecessarily smug. No wonder she is annoyed. All you had to say was: "No sorry last time didn't work, but we can try again when you are older."

Floatlikeafeather2 · 06/04/2024 13:47

You are not in the dog house for not saying her children are angels, you are in the dog house for being bloody rude. Do you not know anything about people? A simple "no" to your son would have sufficed. No further explanation was necessary unless you really meant to hurt, embarrass and shame her.

WaltzingWaters · 06/04/2024 13:48

Whilst yes, you did state the fact that her children were a nightmare during the last attempt at a sleepover, she knows this, and I don’t think you had to spell it out to her again, whilst praising your own ds. If you wanted to do that you could have said it later when it was just your DS around to explain to him you were proud that he went to sleep but the others didn’t.

A simple, “no, it didn’t go very well last time so I don’t think we’re ready for sleepovers yet, we’ll arrange another play date soon though” would have been fine.

I can’t believe you had her 3yo for the sleepover too though! That seems very young for a “fun” sleepover.

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