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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most women would be annoyed by this

88 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 05/04/2024 19:36

My dp quite often talks about women he knows and has seen and tells me how beautiful or sexy they are. I feel annoyed when he does this as I think it’s unnecessary and he knows that I have issues with my self confidence. Is it just me being silly or is he being insensitive

OP posts:
Letsgotitans · 05/04/2024 20:01

I think this is horrible. My husband has never commented on a woman's appearance in front of me apart (I only know his celebrity crush as I specifically asked him!). I really appreciate this and feel that it is because he respects me, and I would never talk about so n so being attractive either.

Screamingabdabz · 05/04/2024 20:01

I would dump him. If he’s so consistently looking at and appraising other women, not only would it raise red flags of lechery and misogyny but that level of disrespect is just not ok. Why do you put up with it op?

Bobskeleton · 05/04/2024 20:02

I'd give him a taste of it and start commenting on other mens appearances.

Do you think he is being malicious with it or just completely and utterly oblivious to the potential hurt it causes?

Aerin1999 · 05/04/2024 20:03

He absolutely must be intentionally trying to knock your confidence. No one with any sense describes someone - standing right there - as ‘so sexy’, to their own partner. There is no need to do this unless he wants you to feel a little less.

Queenfierce · 05/04/2024 20:03

This man would be told to fuck off what a prick don't even put up with it anymore I would say she's sexy is she? Well fuck off and have her then

beefmassaman · 05/04/2024 20:04

What a twat, I wouldn't put up with that shit.

DP will nod along and agree when I say 'what a gorgeous girl', 'isn't she beautiful', 'what amazing hair she has' etc. But then he also nods along if I say 'He's a handsome young chap, isn't he?'

If he ever turned to me and said someone in our vicinity was 'sexy' it would be a big issue for me. That's taking it beyond appreciating the aesthetic and turning it sexual, which is not what I expect from my partner.

I was very young, in my defence, but I had a boyfriend about 25 years ago who would leer at my friends openly. He went soft pretty quick when I talked about his best mate during sex.

Shetlands · 05/04/2024 20:05

I can guarantee that if you start talking about hot, sexy men, your DP will have a face like a bulldog chewing a hornet.

Hesterbester · 05/04/2024 20:05

"Gillian Anderson is hot" in the context of a conversation about celebs or watching something that she's in - fair enough.

Random woman in a shop is hot - yes, I'd be bothered by that.

ButtockUp · 05/04/2024 20:06

I'd be ditching him.

peakygold · 05/04/2024 20:09

When my ex-H used to do this on occasion, I'd whisper "She used to be a man, you know. Can you see her Adam's Apple? Amazing what they can do these days. "

NecessaryNC24 · 05/04/2024 20:10

H*e went soft pretty quick when I talked about his best mate during sex
*
🙌🏻

beefmassaman · 05/04/2024 20:11

Growlybear83 · 05/04/2024 19:57

That sort of thing doesn't bother me in the slightest. Of course my husband will find other women attractive, and I find other men attractive, but we're married and made a commitment to be faithful to each other. So long as neither of us has ever been unfaithful in any way then I don't have a problem in my husband appreciating another good looking woman.

But there's a big difference between 'appreciating' beauty or charisma. I'm not taking about celebs, because everyone gets a free pass there and we all know they don't really look like that in the flesh.
'Sexy' is taking it beyond just musing that someone looks great. It's leering, salacious and pretty gross and disrespectful to say that to your committed partner. If you husband does this, then I don't think you're cool to not be affected. I feel sorry for you.

MrDobbs · 05/04/2024 20:16

Noticing women around you are attractive is normal. Telling your partner about it is the behaviour of a disrespectful wanker.

There is no decent reason for him to tell you that he finds some random woman attractive.

If he does this repeatedly, have you told him you don't like it or asked him why he does it? The very best scenario is that he's just very unaware of the effect of what he says and just needs to be told, and when you tell him he apologises as he doesn't want to make you feel like he doesn't respect you, and not doing it again.

Any other response is bad news.

Tilllly · 05/04/2024 20:18

Creepy...

BirthdayRainbow · 05/04/2024 20:20

Ask him to stop. If he doesn't. Next time you're out start talking about how sexy the bloke over there is and how you'd not say no..

StarbucksQueen1 · 05/04/2024 20:25

What weird behaviour!
For years I was insecure because my mother made me that way, my DH would never pass comment and I’d find all other women threatening.
Fast forward now, I am happy with myself and trust my DH entirely. I often comment on a woman being beautiful and ask if DH agrees etc. He doesn’t usually point people out because I think I’ve terrified him up until now!
Noticing that someone is attractive is fine, saying they’re sexy.. totally not ok. What do you reply with?!

ABwithAnItch · 05/04/2024 20:27

I don’t care. And I also talk about guys I think are hot. It’s just an opinion and sometimes adds context to a story. Like my DH sometimes hears gossip about people at the university where he works. People having affairs etc. I’ll even ask, is he/she hot? And so on…. it’s more intriguing if they’re not! 😂

cherish123 · 05/04/2024 20:28

Is it quite a new relationship? I'd think about dumping him if it continues. It's alright to comment on someone's looks occasionally but not all the time.

beefmassaman · 05/04/2024 20:30

StarbucksQueen1 · 05/04/2024 20:25

What weird behaviour!
For years I was insecure because my mother made me that way, my DH would never pass comment and I’d find all other women threatening.
Fast forward now, I am happy with myself and trust my DH entirely. I often comment on a woman being beautiful and ask if DH agrees etc. He doesn’t usually point people out because I think I’ve terrified him up until now!
Noticing that someone is attractive is fine, saying they’re sexy.. totally not ok. What do you reply with?!

I agree. I'd be done anyway, so next time I'd be like....

'Yeah....she's very sexy. I wonder what her boyfriend's like? Hmmm... I bet he's fit as fuck. I'd love to sit on his face if he's as sexy as her. Bet he's got a big dick too, she looks pretty happy with herself'.

Nothing to lose, no face to save. Just his tiny dick ego to knock in to touch.

MalcolmsMiddle · 05/04/2024 21:53

Desecratedcoconut · 05/04/2024 19:41

I wouldn't tolerate that. What does he think that he's achieving by doing this? Has he always been a negging twat?

Edited

Negging is the exact word I thought of. He sees lots of attractive women on a day to day basis so you better be grateful he chose you 🙄

Disturbia81 · 05/04/2024 22:34

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/04/2024 20:00

It sounds like he's deliberately trying to make you insecure. I had an ex who used to do this. He was a prick.

This
There is no good reason for doing this.

somptuosité · 05/04/2024 22:36

I would find it creepy and sleazy.

Noseybookworm · 05/04/2024 22:43

I think it's pretty disrespectful to talk about other women being sexy to you. Is he doing it on purpose to make you feel insecure? I wonder how he'd feel if you told him how sexy you find other men?

5128gap · 05/04/2024 22:47

He's not being insensitive, he's doing it deliberately because he wants to keep you in your place. He's telling you that he thinks a lot of women are beautiful so don't get any ideas you're special. This is designed to keep the power in the relationship in his hands with you believing he means more to you than you do to him. Its a nasty trick.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 05/04/2024 22:48

xyz111 · 05/04/2024 20:00

It's very strange. I'd be giving him a taste of his own medicine about all the handsome men out there!!

Yeah - fight fire with fire, and start telling him about all the hot men you've seen recently (make some up if necessary), and how you can't help wondering what they'd be like in the sack...[with a dreamy, slightly breathless air].... See how he likes it.