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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to visit in-laws so often

32 replies

ladyvimes · 05/04/2024 14:02

Preface- this is not an in-law bashing post. I love my in-laws dearly and enjoy spending time with them!

My husband and I are teachers. We live about 5 hours away from my in-laws and go to visit them (with our 2 dc’s) almost every single school holiday for at least 4+ nights. They have a big house and plenty of room for us and always host us well. MIL is a great cook and they love us all and spend time with us.

The things is now the kids are older they want to spend time with their friends in the holidays. I want to spend time with friends that I rarely get to see during term time and I am finding visiting the in-laws more and more of a chore. It eats up a huge chunk of our holiday time and I am becoming more and more resentful of the time we spend there.

AIBU in wanting to visit less often? Maybe just the main holidays (Xmas, Easter and summer) and no longer half terms?

PS. In-laws very rarely visit us, even though they are semi-retired and we have room for them (or they could easily afford a hotel if they didn’t want to stay with us). This is simply because they are home birds and don’t really like to travel far.
PPS. My dh has no problem with the amount we visit. We live near my family so he sees our long visits as ‘fair’ as I can see my family easier but I spend more time with his family overall than I do with my own!

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 05/04/2024 14:17

Could DH not go by himself for some of the visits? Maybe taking one, or both, of the DC if they wanted to go on that occasion?
Or maybe all go, but just for one or two nights?

NerrSnerr · 05/04/2024 14:19

My family are a similar distance away and we stopped visiting in the half terms for the same reason. We go 3 times a year now. If there's another reason to go up I'll tend to go alone over a weekend.

ginasevern · 05/04/2024 14:26

Every single school holiday does sound excessive. Visiting at Xmas, Easter and the summer seems more than fair so, no, you are not being unreasonable. I do however doubt that you really see more of the ILs than your own family if you actually broke it down. It probably just feels that way.

TipsyKoala · 05/04/2024 14:46

That sounds like a lot and really limits what you can do with your remaining school holidays. My in laws are a similar distance and we go twice a year, that’s plenty.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2024 15:06

That’s a heck of a journey, having just done 5 hours each way to see my family this week. It’s practically the entire day with pee stops. I echo pp, your Dh can go and take a dc or 2, but only if they want. As a teacher, I told my Dh I didn’t want visits at half term, a week is barely enough time when you have to fit in everything like the MOT, shopping, dentist etc for yourself and the kids.

Choux · 05/04/2024 15:09

How old are the kids now? Are they going to keep being expected to visit when they are 16+? Is there much for them to do there? Three generations trying to spend whole days together is hard. The kids are bored, the grandparents can't keep up or don't like to compromise.

Things to consider depending on the age of the kids:
Shorter visit - 3 nights max so there is still time to do other stuff in the holiday. Get a few days or nights out planned with your kids or your friends so the trip dates get bookended and the trip needs to be kept brief.
Break the pattern with a half term trip to see someone else who lives elsewhere, a trip to Disney, a holiday with friends who have similar aged kids.
Any child taking exams soon they need to stay at home to revise for?
Let one of the kids stay home at a friend's house as 'they didn't want to come, they had stuff planned with their friends.'
Hope someone gets sick so the trip has to be cancelled last minute.
Suggest to DH you do 3 x 7 day trips instead of 6 x 4 day trips so you can have the half terms to yourselves.
Tell your DH he can go alone next half term as you want to just chill at home. Tell him you are becoming more of a home bird as you get older!

When you are there drop hints to the in laws that DS1 is starting to want to hang out with his friends in the holidays so we need to find some good activities to compensate. And that DS2 is missing a birthday party to be there. Ask if they find the noise and squabbling tedious - you may actually find they would prefer less frequent or shorter visits.

Arraignment · 05/04/2024 15:12

Three times a year in the main holidays is fine and fair to all.

It's so important for children to develop and maintain friendships out of school as they get older. This needs to override staying with family in half-terms now.

mrssunshinexxx · 05/04/2024 15:18

Your husband could take the kids one half term you get time to yourself , win win

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/04/2024 15:23

I would offer to go during the three main holidays, and invite them to come to you during the half terms.

ConfrontationDoesntHaveToBeScarey · 05/04/2024 15:25

Xmas and summer hols is fine.

OhmygodDont · 05/04/2024 15:25

Every holiday is too much. I’d go summer and Christmas with a they are free to come to you.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 05/04/2024 15:28

Suggest to them you visit the main hols and they are welcome the half terms. If they don't show it isn't your fault they don't see you all is it?
Road goes both ways and all that.

Stand firm.. Ime a suitable phrase 'Pizza dgps' applies here. . They want to see dgc but want them hand delivered like take away... Takes both parties to nurture a relationship..

Jk987 · 05/04/2024 16:07

It's easy to get stuck in a rut with people doing what they've always done without considering alternatives!
You don't have to go every holiday no.
Time to change things up.

PatienceOfEngels · 05/04/2024 16:18

We have similar with my family (7 hour journey, teacher so can only do school holidays). Before we had the kids we'd often go 4 times a year. Now we find it too much and don't go over during half terms unless there's a special occasion. Instead we do a week of Easter and Christmas and 1/2 weeks in the summer. My DPs usually come here once or twice a year.

Caroparo52 · 05/04/2024 16:31

Visit in the big 3 holidays. Then say they are welcome to come to you for a few nights when it suits both parties. Either to stay at your house or a hotel. When they experience the effort it takes on the journey they will be more understanding hopefully.

Original poster
ladyvimes · 05/04/2024 16:43

Thank you so much everyone. I was worried that IWBU as dh obviously loves his parents and he misses them and I love them too, it’s just life is changing now the kids are getting older.

I think reducing visits to just the main holidays is what I will aim for going forward and if my dh wants to visit in half terms he can go alone or with either or both kids.

I will have an open invite to in-laws. Maybe they’ll come visit more often if we go there less. I actually think it would do them good to travel a bit more!

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
FlowerBarrow · 05/04/2024 16:45

Yes and also there’s no reason your dh can’t go for extra holiday or long weekend trips if he wanted to, or they could come to you.

InfiniteGoodVibes · 05/04/2024 16:53

YANBU. This level of obligation is suffocating - no matter how close you are.

Time to shake things up OP. Simply say that you will next visit ..... and make your own plans.

There may be a push back but you aren't being unkind by changing what has gone before. Things evolve, children and families grow, nothing stays the same.

Sunnnybunny72 · 05/04/2024 17:03

Prioritise your children and re set expectations for your PIL as they age.

Sandwichgen · 05/04/2024 17:07

Could you ever meet halfway at a National Trust place (appeals to my oldies!) or a big city? so just a day together with a 2.5 hr trip each side

juicelooseabootthishoose · 05/04/2024 17:11

My marriage ended over this. I wasn't able to cope with never having down time in my home. And my H was never able to stand up to guilt tripping or manage his own feelings of guilt over it with regards his parents and siblings.

So i really understand why this is a big deal for you. Mine were also lovely and great hosts. It was no reflection on them. I actually loved my husband but needed some downtime as a nuclear family unit.

Original poster
ladyvimes · 05/04/2024 17:26

Sandwichgen · 05/04/2024 17:07

Could you ever meet halfway at a National Trust place (appeals to my oldies!) or a big city? so just a day together with a 2.5 hr trip each side

This is a good idea! I will suggest this!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyvimes · 05/04/2024 17:29

juicelooseabootthishoose · 05/04/2024 17:11

My marriage ended over this. I wasn't able to cope with never having down time in my home. And my H was never able to stand up to guilt tripping or manage his own feelings of guilt over it with regards his parents and siblings.

So i really understand why this is a big deal for you. Mine were also lovely and great hosts. It was no reflection on them. I actually loved my husband but needed some downtime as a nuclear family unit.

My husband definitely feels guilty for living so far away but it’s just the way things have ended up. In-laws have always been happy for us and although I know they’d love it if we lived closer they’ve never made us feel guilty over it. I genuinely love seeing them and spending time with them but as others have said, things change and we need to adapt things so we’re all happy and get some time in our own home too!

OP posts:
dottydodah · 05/04/2024 19:48

CherrySoup How on earth does 5 hours take all day? We leave at around 8 am .Allowing wee stops say half an hour /traffic usually arrive at 1.30/2pm!

dottydodah · 05/04/2024 19:50

ladyVimes What about a few nights away at a mid point? Premier Inn or similar ?