To think blended families work better when the children are younger?

[Garlickkk]

Generally speaking, obviously there will be exceptions. I have a few friends who are step parents and I am also one myself. The ones who came into their stepchildrens lives when they were older (as in teenagers) seem to have a much more difficult time of it. Mainly in the sense that they just can't bond with the children and end up hating them being around (because let's face it, teens are difficult). Whereas, in my own scenario, and that of others I know, meeting my DSC when they were younger children (youngest was 6 when we met), I at least had the opportunity to meet them when they actually wanted to spend time with us, were quite cute and sweet still, wanted to come out on family days etc etc.. Looking at my DSC now, as teenagers who rarely have any interest at all in spending time with us and spend 99% of their time either with friends or in their room, I don't think I could really bond with them if at all if I were to have met them now and I can understand how if you entered the situation now you could end up hating them being there having all of the shit that comes with teens, attitude, mess etc etc but none of the memories / bond from younger years spent together. Aibu to imagine most of the time it's far easier if you "blend" when children are younger rather than older?

My post did have paragraphs previously!!

Yes, my pre-teen is like this and it's stressful and hard work anyway, but even more so when my boyfriend is round. He'd love to get on with her, but I often think it's too late for them and that if she was younger it might be easier. My younger child is easy going and seems fine with him.

It's a shame really.

Yes it's a bit of a given though isn't it?

So easier to blend when they are too young to understand what’s happening and less likely to have an opinion?
The whole blending thing is about what the parents want, and never about what’s best for all the children involved.

They don't work.

Well obviously🙄

In most cases "blending" families works about as well as putting your family in a blender.

They don’t work in my experience. There isn’t a real need for them to work I guess. My parents separated when I was late teens and I have no relationship with my dad’s wife’s children. His wife doesn’t make any effort with me or my sibling but will be cordial when we visit my dad. It is what it is really.
We were past the age of having to go between the houses 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think you can expect a teenager to view another adult as a parent. They just will not ever do so.

I don't think they work full stop, in the vast vast majority of cases. I'm a single parent and would never subject DS to a stepfamily.

100% this

Yeah I think it is obviously essier to make a younger child accept a person in their lives unnecessarily. Once they are old enough to question why it is needed or should be happening and push back, it will be harder.

I don't know anyone who grew up with a blended family and liked it.

Lots pretended things were fine because they wanted mum/dad to be happy. Most hated it or at best, disliked it, particularly if two sets of unrelated children were expected to cohabit, or if mum/dad had more children with new partner.

I think it's generally messy and difficult and there's always someone who isn't happy with some part of the set up. It's not something I'd have ever entered into.

I think the whole step parent thing is weird, imagine getting married and deciding to have a child together and being pregnant with your baby and some stranger out there who has yet to meet your husband will be calling themselves your child's mum and telling everyone that's how they see themselves.
I don't think I could've been ok with that.
I became a mum when I gave birth to my children, not to share that role with a stranger, especially one that potentially might have run off with my husband and was trying to play happy families with my kids.
Even if it wasn't so extreme and say the split was amicable and met later on I still wouldn't be ok with having to co-parent with someone I didn't choose to have a child with and probably didn't know.
I just think it's weird that you can be pregnant with someone else's child of the future who might feel blood is irrelevant.

Yes. Young children will except anything you present to them as 'the norm' and want to please their parents.

Older children have opinions and expectations of their own.

Not true.

Small children are hard work and no one wants the responsibility of other people’s children, so it causes relationship strain. It’s also a disaster if the parents are high conflict and that bleeds into the step family.

Older children come with the added complication of them having no interest in the stepparent, stepparent has little / no interest in them and more conflict.

I find the majority of blended families are on the highway to misery.

But when the children are older, you don’t really have to do anything for the parents the children.

A lot of blended families don’t work because the parents are CFers, which tends to be when the kids are younger and the parents think the stepmum is there to do their jobs for them and bend over backwards for the stepchildren and their parents above everything and everyone else.

It's beyond me how anyone could ever contemplate blending, surely it's easier to live separately? I would imagine lots of different challenges, no matter what the age. I'm just very glad l didn't bother involving anyone else, and my now adult children say the same.

My mum remarried when I was 15 and I then had an older step brother of 21 I had to live with who was inappropriately interested in me, my Mum just didn't want to know, her priority was making her second marriage work.

I think no matter what the wellbeing if the kids has to come first and that people need to be very careful what they are bringing their kids into.

I don’t know which is harder.

younger, they push boundaries they can be influenced by one or both parents on how to think feel about step parent. They are still learning and often these children are expected to learn and make mistakes whilst step parent can’t say a thing because other parent doesn’t allow them to.

older, they should be mostly taught and prepared to be an adult if mum and dad did the job right. They might be more self sufficient and less reliant on the other parent. Possibly more accepting of new relationships as they don’t affect them so much.

think it’s a hard one to call what’s easier. Think either way it will have its struggles for all

Probably easier as the children grown up with the step parent so will ideally have a close relationship.

As opposed to meeting when kids are teens and trying to develop a relationship.

The easiest of all has to be when the kids are adults tho.

I met dh when my dds were 5+7. He has been (and continues to be) a fantastic parent to them. They are very close to him and he views them as his children (they are 22+24 now. ) they have a dad they see him a few times a year but are not close. Which I think made a difference. I'm so glad I met and brought dh into our family, as I have been able to role model a healthy relationship to dc and we have been able to provide better jointly than I would have alone.

I think that it’s easier with teens and older. There is no need for them to be a parent, and it is a mistake to try to be a parent. All you can ask is for them to be like a friend or an uncle / aunt. They’ll never be a parent and they should try to

Blended families are hardest when there's jealousy, especially in siblings.

It can be hard for children to adjust and harder if the relationship doesn't work and they go their separate ways.

In my line of work I've seen lots of children get used to a number of step families that don't have any future and they face rejection again and again, it's hard to see them try and process it all with their limited understanding.

Think another point I’ve personally experienced is child guilt. You can see the guilt when they are enjoying themselves with me (I’m not mum) they feel guilty to enjoy my food and try new things I make. They feel guilty enjoying being part of another family. I hate that for them