Is life lonely after divorce?

[Corporatemum]

It’s currently my last week in our “family home” I’m moving into my own house next week. I’m looking forward to it but also dreading it. I have no friends so I’m going to be extremely lonely. I’m scared for when the kids stay at there dads as my home will be quiet for days on end. Work will keep me busy but I will miss DH on the evening having no one to chat to.

I fear ever meeting someone again it fills my body with dread.

At times definitely. Other times I craved the solitude. Would you like to expand your social circle?

Why did you and DH husband separate? I’m only asking because I was thrilled to not waste my time cooking and cleaning up after him having finished a long days work. It was a relief not to have to to hear his criticism or watch tv with a miserable toad. My experience was that life fell into place once I was free from the mental exhaustion of a rubbish marriage

My experience was more like that of @Maplelady . I was far more lonely when I was married. You'll be able to focus on yourself and building a friendship group now. It might take time but you shouldn't be lonelier long term once you get your life setup as you want it.

Im 4 years this week separated. At first (during lockdown) was horrific. But honestly I love it now. We have roughly 50/50 with little one. I plan all my social life in my office days, or gym or hobbies or just sitting down and allowing myself to do nothing! Im dating, keeping it light, and loving being on my own. You'll get there!

I'm the opposite, I'm lonely because I have the kids full time so no time for a social life and haven't even been able to date again, I spend all my time with the children and feel very lonely/ isolated having no life to myself.

He’s just a horrible manipulator feeding lies to the kids about me. I’m not perfect I have my flaws but I’m so exhausted at being shouted at all day I can never do anything right. He slammed the car door on my mum on the weekend and that’s when I realised I can’t live with someone so angry and aggressive anymore.

There's nothing more lonely than being in a failed relationship with a deeply flawed, dysfunctional aggressor. Looking at it that way, your new circumstances are a land of limitless opportunity to build the life you want.

Honestly you’ll have so much more mental space going forwards! I have a 50:50 childcare arrangement with my daughter’s dad. When she’s with him I work my socks off and spend my spare time at the gym, meeting friends for coffee (which isn’t that often), singing in a local group, walking the dog and generally enjoying my own space without being criticised. My time with my child is much more enjoyable because I’m generally happier. You’ll be fine x

Thank you I am looking forward to it! But I know I have a challenge ahead as he will make it very difficult for me.

Not lonely at all. In fact it is fantastic. It took me a while to get over the abuse and get my head straight etc, but now every day is a joy.

Take time to look after yourself.

There is an element of grieving for 'what might have been, if only your husband hadn't been so awful', but then you realise that you are in charge now and your life can be however you want.

I would focus on making a new life for yourself and making some new friends.

Try volunteering (park run, beavers/brownies, community litter picking) or meet up, walking groups etc.

It's not lonely. It's bloody amazing.

Like @Hoolihan , I absolutely love it. Not lonely at all.

I was terribly lonely at first but it was more upset as he left for another woman. Having no money didn’t help but I was lucky that my friends rallied round . It was good to eat what I want and decorate as I wanted . I took an extra job, that was quite social, as I needed more money but it also gave me a new group of friends and ultimately a new partner. It takes a while but you will get there .

You need to give yourself time to decompress and heal.

I found it hard at the start, because I had never experienced true calm and silence before. I didn't know what to do with myself and my head went to some very dark places.

I found distraction helped a lot at that point. I watched TV on my phone as I pottered around the house, and left it on when I slept. I swam, walked and sat in coffee shops and parks, just for the company.

A year on, and I'm honestly great. I love the peace and quiet when the dcs aren't around (mine are older so no co parenting). I have a new hobby which is just for me and which I love.

Take it steady and remember that you are healing.

It may take you time to adjust but being alone and happy, not with an activated nervous system waiting for the next 'attack' and walking on egg shells will be so much better.

I found getting cats made a huge difference as you find yourself waffling to them when the children aren't in.
Playing the radio or podcast also helps to gave adult voices in the house.

You soon get used to it, when the children are away for the first few weekends take advantage of it, go to the theatre or cinema even if it's by yourself or wonder around a supermarket on your own if you aren't up to that, because the first few times will be hard, you soon get into your own flow though.

Be prepared that on returning to you, you will be their safe space so there so likely to be a decline in behaviour as they relax into being home if dad's is stressful. Work on a return routine, for DD I always run her a bath when little as it helped transition her home, as a teen now she'll jump in the shower at whatever time she comes home to get back into home mode.

It does take time. You're not going to wake up on the first day and love it, no matter how bad your ex was, but over time, you'll realise it's better.

And I actually can't think of anything worse than finding someone who will want to come into my life again now 😂

It can feel lonely at times... And at others too busy! Give yourself a long time frame to settle - 18 months. So you don't beat yourself up if you have a bad week.
I found I was struck by total inertia when the kids went to their dad's for the weekend at first. I'd crawl under the duvet and stay there. But asking around I found that happened to others too.

Like PP have said, I was far more lonely before I left.

Your days will be full while you have the dcs. On the other days, I usually made a plan. A weekend might be

Friday night - a favourite meal ds won't eat, music, a home manicure, pedicure, bath, early bed.

Saturday - Park run, maybe hair cut or relaxed shoe shopping trip. Meet friends for coffee or do something to meet people. Start small, things in your immediate locality, check community face book pages, volunteer groups etc.

Sunday - a project - plan redecoration of a bedroom. It's a new house for you so lots to do. Or gardening now spring has arrived. Plan your lazy summer lunches in the garden - pots, sun loungers etc.

I'd often try a new recipe while ds wasn't around. Maybe home make a cake for when dcs got back. Always had radio on for company.

It may take you time to adjust but being alone and happy, not with an activated nervous system waiting for the next 'attack' and walking on egg shells will be so much better.
Thank you for that comment. I won't have any DC with me and was dreading every single day being alone but I right now i really am just waiting for the next slammed door. I'm flinching every single day and he's not even in the same room.

It's more lonely and isolating to be in a shit relationship I found.

When I moved into my own place, the peace and relief is something I still remember 13 years later.

If you do feel lonely at first let yourself feel it, go through it because once you get through the other side of it you are so comfortable and confident in your own skin and company you will never sacrifice your boundaries again.

Honestly you then know you would rather be on your own than in a crap relationship, it is a wonderful feeling.

I have never been more lonely than when I was in an unhappy marriage. After separating, I felt immensely empowered to take control of my own life, because I'd remove the barrier to doing that. I joined clubs related to my interests, which got me out of the house and meeting people - and also learning about what I liked and more about myself. Good luck OP. I hope things go well for you. You will have times when you will feel lonely, but you will have the autonomy, bravery and courage to do something about it.

Occasionally but generally I’m just so happy not to be living with him and try to remember that and be grateful daily.

I’m not great in my own company for extended periods but am getting better, I think it’s something you can get better at with practice.

But especially to begin with I made sure I had at least one thing arranged with someone else on the weekends the DC aren’t here. Can you meet up with your mum? I also enjoyed going to visit further away old friends I hadn’t seen for ages. And in time, when you’re ready, you might want to have some coffee dates but no rush for that.

Much less lonely than my marriage was

When my first marriage broke down, weekends were really hard and Bank Holidays worse. All my friends were married/in relationships. Keeping busy is actually quite difficult!