Is life lonely after divorce?

[Corporatemum]

It’s currently my last week in our “family home” I’m moving into my own house next week. I’m looking forward to it but also dreading it. I have no friends so I’m going to be extremely lonely. I’m scared for when the kids stay at there dads as my home will be quiet for days on end. Work will keep me busy but I will miss DH on the evening having no one to chat to.

I fear ever meeting someone again it fills my body with dread.

As a previous pp, I was left for ow so the start was very hard but time has gone on I love living alone with my kids. It's all on my terms. BUT, parenting alone is hard. He's not involved in a meaningful way that takes any pressure off me either practically or emotionally. He pays CMS but not a penny more despite their costs increasing hugely as they get older and need tech, hobby fees increasing etc. I do tend to have the radio on for adult company and MN a lot. OP it sounds like once you get the practical details sorted you are going to be v v happy away from a nasty bully.

I'm just about to move out of "our" home so finding this thread really inspiring!

I’m also at the start of the divorce process - no children, mid 30s. Scared of what the future looks like. So this is giving me hope.

If he is shouting and shutting the car door on your poor Mum and lying to the children then he is abusive. If he is shouting a lot and the children hear it you are modelling what a relationship is and it can be what they think is normal, I’m sure you would not want that for your children. So leaving is for the best.

How many women find a partner that is truly lovely or at least good enough? I would say about a third of my friends have good relationships. We are in our fifties now. It’s not a great hit rate. But the most unhappy with the worst health issues and a couple have developed auto immune conditions, had hair falling out, eating disorders, terrible anxiety, lost confidence are the ones who stayed in the bad relationships.

It’s actually quite dangerous to just have your partner for company. I am one of the lucky ones but I have met too many widows now so even the lucky ones can end up alone.

Do you like walking? I belong to a women’s hiking group, it is brilliant, as it’s mobile it is much easier to get to know people rather than all sitting round a table having coffee or lunch. Try volunteering, if you like or have a passion for the same cause then you already have something in common. I made a couple of good friends through volunteering, have known one for a decade now.

Good luck

No. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was more lonely when I was married than once we separated.

Same here (although a few years past mid!). I've been living in "our" house alone for 3 months which has been miserable so trying to get excited about the next step.

Thanks for responding! Sounds similar here, I’ve been alone in our home for the last couple of months and now the admin is starting to ramp up and it’s feeling really overwhelming! We’ve been together since 18 so a massive change for us both.

Currently you have 2 choices. The company of this person, or, if you leave, your own company. If you had to choose one of these for the next 15 years is it really the case you would choose him? Would it really be better for you, your children and your wellbeing?

of course you may meet someone else but currently these are your 2 choices.

Sorry, meant to add also I don’t know any divorced people in “real life” so it feels like very unknown territory with a big taboo around it. So grateful for everyone’s experiences (and an excellent therapist☺️).

When I had a long period of flying solo I used to make sure I had something in the diary for every weekend, for weeks ahead.

Even if it was just a Sunday afternoon cup of tea out or at my place.

Actually, inviting friends to your place will soon help you readjust. It seems to underline that life goes on and you’re freeeeee!

I'm really sorry to hear how awful things were for you. Unfortunately, men like him may make co-parenting/financial separation difficult, so please make sure you are armed to fight him for what you are entitled to. It has taken a few years for my ex to stop being a d#ck about everything (after his friends sat him down and told him it was about time he moved on. He's had a new partner for a few years, too). I love all the advice on this thread. Well done to you all for finding peace and happiness. For me, it was over lockdown too and the thought of losing my job and not seeing friends and family drove me crazy, but now I have a lovely home, decorated how I want, I have my hobby/go to the gym when I want/ watch what I want on TV, don't have to run around after a manchild who did very little in the home. I also have an amazing partner (we don't live together) who I absolutely love and laugh with x

Ditto, yesterday was the most stressful life admin day I've ever had! Sorry you're going through this too x

I'm just going to echo what PP have said, its far more lonely to be stuck in a failing relationship.
Tip toeing about on egg shells trying not to trigger a beligerant man with a fragile ego is exhausting and there's no time or energy for being with friends.
Splitting up really knocks your confidence though and it takes a bit to get over that. A very wise woman told me to behave more like "hanging out with yourself" than being alone and that really helped me.

Speaking from personal experience, no, it’s not lonely it’s 100 times better than with the arsehole ex! I joined a social group called Spice (it’s nationwide with regional bases, you can Google it) and met loads of new friends and my now partner through it. My social life improved no end after I divorced. You’ve got to be proactive and get out and meet people. Scary at first, but to quote a phrase “feel the fear and do it anyway!”

When I was in this situation I made a list of all the things I wanted to do that weren't possible in the company of small children. And then I made a point of doing one of them at the weekends I didn't have the kids.
Examples were: going out for a waffle breakfast in a café, drive to a beach and read my book on the sand with a hot flask of tea. I also did bigger things like a yoga beginners class and a climbing beginners class but the day by the beach is my favourite to remember.

My single time actually didn't last that long, only a couple of years but by that point and with the help of my list I felt so comfortable being on my own and doing things alone that I didn't fall into the trap of just starting any new relationship for the sake of not being alone. I didn't need a partner. I would have been perfectly happy to keep doing things on my own had the right man not come along.

Has your ex been obstructive in you having friends? If so, then this will change.

I am the complete opposite of lonely now I'm divorced.

I admit that I often feel the pressure of being a lone parent, but this isn't the same as feeling lonely, more isolated if that makes sense.

I am 2 years post separation after 20+ years together and it's not been a day where I have regretted my decision.

Waking up alone and going to be alone is still pure bliss for me, not having to cook for someone else unless I choose to is fantastic, watching what I want on TV, having friends over when I want to and be able to talk to them openly, not having to listen to someone watching Match of the Day on a weekend morning makes my day... the list can go on forever.

I do think you will need to put some effort into making friends though and don't focus on dating straight away. The friends you make will be there for you in a way someone you date won't and OLD is hard. Well, getting dates isn't hard but meeting somewhat normal people is. If you have been in an abusive relationship you need to take some time to get your head around what it has done to you or you will just choose the same type of man again. I did exactly that. Now I have stopped dating all together and won't date until I can tell my brain is back to how it was prior to meeting my ex.

Been single 15 years since splitting from DS's dad. Not lonely at all, I love it.

It's dangerous to rely on just one person for companionship. I think if you're single and don't want to be on your own all the time you have to cultivate good friendships and put work into them. I have a mix of different friend groups - some have children, some don't, some are single, others in relationships.

Bless you - you are making the right decision from what you say, I am sure of it! Good luck.

From mine and others experience it can be lonely at times but you will have mental space and freedom to make friends if you want, even date if you want, do hobbies and things for you....

It's exciting. And we are all here for you to chat to if you do get lonely!

Good luck.

This

It's quite a rollercoaster of emotions that's for sure..I'm in the process of divorce and house is going up for sale soon ish..it's exciting and scary, I'm sad, happy, calm, annoyed..frustrated re looking for a new place to live. I have a part time job,(saviour plus friends) and will be taking the pets with me so walking the dogs will get me out, but not any close close friend's as such, I'm already doing a couple of classes a week but that's all. My DC are close by but grown up with their own lives, I'm slightly freaking out too so I know where you are ..can you throw yourself into making your new house a home, making the new garden pretty, get a pet? Art class, exercise class (Pilates, dance, swimming aqua fitness ) look for local clubs at citizens advice or library adverts? Be nice if some of us were closer to meet for a coffee and real live support. I know I'm going to be lonely, having another body in the house makes a difference . Try a pet..wonderful company

👆🏼
Yup. Never alone but always lonely. Continued emotional abuse and control from Ex, might as well have stayed just tried to avoid children being affected but that didn't work either.
People get bored of hearing about it all too so it is very lonely here in the still-going-on-boringness of it all.

My friend and I separated from our spouses within a few months of each other. The thing that eased it was being able do whatever "because I can".

Sitting naked on the freezer was possible. Doing a shit and not flushing for a week was possible. Eating trifle for breakfast and Coco pops for tea was possible. Riding a skateboard down the stairs was possible..."because I can"
Neither of us did any of those things - it was just the freedom to do any of them.or more that was liberating and eased the pain.

Can you get happy? Yes. Why?

Because you can.

It was a little bit weird at first because the house was just so incredibly quiet.

But that was short-lived and then it just felt like a massive weight off of my mind body and soul.

The freedom was exhilarating.

I've indulged in quite a few leisure activities and hobbies.

It was very worth it and I had wish I had done it much earlier.