To Ask My Partner To Be Better

[Clareretro1964]

My partner and I have been together for almost 10 years. We have two children together, a 6 and 3 year old. It goes without saying that we are busy and often don’t get time together. In the past we’ve had our challenges but always worked through them although I think there’s still an element of resentment over some of the things sometimes.

He is helpful in so many ways, I work and he drops the kids off most day, does the washing, cleaning and laundry etc so I am incredibly appreciative of that. At the same time I find myself losing my temper more and more with him over not being present for myself and the kids. To the extent that I feel like I’m parenting alone sometimes.

It’s things like my son having tantrums (the 3 year old) and my partner just not being able to deal with it or communicate with him. So now I have to do everything but our son now doesn’t want to be with his dad at all only me. My partner gets frustrated with that but when I say spend some quality time together he spends maybe 5 minutes reading then gets his phone out to go on Twitter. My son’s behaviour then gets worse as he’s crying out for attention.

My partner hasn’t attended one parents evening for our daughter ever. He doesn’t help with her homework ever, do any reading with her etc.

If I don’t think of meals for him to add to our weekly shop he literally won’t buy food for the kids so it falls to me to do it which is another job on top of everything else
plus my full time job. He doesn’t even eat our dinners and makes his own.

In the evening he sits on the sofa on Twitter basically ignoring us all - I have to ask him constantly to talk to us but it’s like a chore. In the day he barely says two words to me outside of basic questions about who is doing what.

We’ve talked about it but nothing has changed and it’s always me trying to find a solution and im tired of it. It came to a head again this week as he made a passing comment about the kids needing an earlier bedtime and I lost it. I told him to
step up then and help out after I’ve done three plans for a better evening routine but I can do it without his help or should I say trying to fit around him. I said I feel like a convenient option for him to pay the bills and that he treats us as an inconvenience.

Last night I was making plans to go to the cinema with my stepdaughter (his dd from his previous marriage) - she’s staying with us and he hasn’t had more than a 5 minute discussion with her. We were really excited to go and he made this snide comment about at least it’s quiet in the cinema as he was grumpy trying to watch the football. I bit my tongue but raised it later to be told it was just a joke but it wasn’t.

Im seriously considering getting separation advice as we’re not married, he bought our house and is on the deeds but I provide all
the household income.

Am I over reacting?

If you work full-time and he is home with the kids, then I'm afraid the courts would definitely view him as the main carer.
First things first, definitely get yourself on the deeds of the house as a matter of urgency. Without that, you have no claim to the place or the equity should you split. In fact he could boot you out anytime.

have a baby monitor in the house and/or car and keep track VERBATIM of all the disagreements between your partner and kids

figure out how to pitch your ideal response to him and/or accept that you don't know your partner that well and need to find some common ground specifically in parenting the kids and in any other scruffs they may get into

Man’s perspective here. There are two issues

1. his behaviour

2. your financial/property situation

3. he sounds depressed. Could also be laziness. I suspect he didn’t really think what being a SAHD would actually be like. I have times when all I seem to do is clean, tidy, wash, collect, drop. My life is not what I expected it to be like before I had kids. But I love being a dad and you have to ensure to balance the crap bits with the fun bits and it sounds like he isn’t. But this doesn’t mean you should be doing all the stuff that you agreed he would be. A conversation needs to happen with a clear roadmap of what will happen if he doesn’t sort himself out.

but first you deal with 2)

you have exposed yourself massively and if you split tomorrow, he would have the house and you would have been paying his ex all this time with zero to show for it. It is imperative that before you begin any conversations about splitting etc that you get him to sign 50% of the house to you. Do this before all else

That sucks!!!

Id say go on a two week trip where you are ‘unreachable’ ie can’t answer nonsense questions from him, but designed person (mom, girlfriend) can get you incase of emergency.

leave him with kids to figure his shit out realize what you do.

or if you don’t think he can be trusted with that then definitely look at a separation. Knowledge is good. Find out what it looks like! Then bring it up as you see fit. He will get partial custody of the kids. And will have to step up. Even if he’s totally lax and just ignores them in front of a screen, he will have to figure out the cooking and basic care.

trial separations are a thing too. You alternate moving out (to a friends or wherever)

and if you figure out how to get him to do the work on himself please let me know. My hubby and I have a totally unrelated ongoing issue where he won’t put in any effort!

I’m wondering why everyone is suggesting getting separation advice but now I see OP you suggested it.

From what you have said I wouldn’t personally say your situation re sharing responsibilities is at the level of separation but it’s difficult to tell from a mumsnet thread. Maybe my relationship is in the pits but I’d say we both feel a great deal of frustration and resentment at what each of us do or don’t do.

The property stuff needs go be sorted though.

Someone I know who acts like this is depressed, has he ever shown any Signs? Loss of interest is a big one