Partner doesn’t respect my decisions and boundaries

[goforit99]

I have an ex who is an absolute narcissistic and my daughter and I fled from him due to DV. Fast forward a few years and we are “amicable” but he does snap and switch when he doesn’t get his own way, and unfortunately the only way to keep him from verbally abusing me is to block him until he has calmed down (usually a day or two) which is the followed by a grovelling apology. We are not together and he sees our daughter 6 days out of a month. I know how to deal with him and I have very strict boundaries that he is forced to respect because I do not take any crap from him. I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a few years now and one one occasion he had to step in to be the middle man as the abuse was too much. Unfortunately, my partner doesn’t know how to set boundaries and is happy to receive messages from ex. I’ve explained to him that the reason my ex contacts him, is because I have blocked him and he knows the only way the abuse will get to me is by contacting my partner. I asked my partner on several occasions to not respond to him and let him shoot himself in the foot but I end up finding out that he still responds to him. The most recent issue I had is when my ex (who is due to have my little one this weekend) started his excuses by planting the seed that he can’t get a train ticket this weekend to pick her up(we have an arrangement which we have been doing for a couple of years now), when I told him I’m sure he can find another way he said he would then the next day asked if I can drop her to him instead because of train delays, at first I said yes to avoid his negative comeback but then I found out there were no train issue and told him this, to be which he responded that he knew but wants me to drop her anyway, I told him I don’t owe him favours and to stop making excuses (his fave football team are playing this weekend). He sent me a barrage of abusive messages accusing me of being angry and abusive and that if I don’t bring her to him, then he’s not coming to pick her up. My partner is aware of this and aware that I had asked my ex to only contact me if it’s to confirm a pick up and drop off and nothing else. Today my partner tells me that my ex messaged him to tell me that he blocked me because I’m abusive and stopping him from seeing our daughter, my partner responds to him saying that “ahhh this shouldn’t really be happening” to which my ex started conversing with him as if they were best friends and even telling my partner that I’m abusive etc and that I should be made to pay for his transport to pick up and drop off our daughter and that he shouldn’t be paying! My ex then responds saying “ahh ok, I’ll let her know, this isn’t right”. AIBU by getting upset with my partner who should have spoken to me first before responding to my ex? I blocked him and my partner is aware of his cycle of anger towards me when he doesn’t get his way but I’m starting to realise that my partner may not understand boundaries! This is a super tough topic for me because I don’t understand why my partner even though I have told him many times not to get involved with him, still feels ok to do so. Any communication with my ex is still his way of being abusive to me because my partner will repeat his negativity to me. I’m sick and tired of this and don’t know why my partner cannot stay out of it!
for clarity, I have full custody of my daughter.

@GingerIsBest thank you and you are absolutely right! I just had a “conversation” with my partner and it did not end well! He firstly admitted that he had responded to my ex without asking me (which I knew nothing about), secondly when I raised my voice because I was crying, he told me to calm down and stop shouting and that he understands why I’m upset but I shouldn’t be getting angry! He also told me that the reason he didn’t tell me he responded to my ex the first time was to protect me, from what exactly? He has now left me to clear up the mess and have to face my ex on the weekend to now meet my ex because he now “is staying out of it”.

@GingerIsBest sorry I meant there was another time today before the time I found out that he responded.

You fled your ex due to DV, your current partner knows this but won’t block him because it’s immature

ba bye 👋

Sorry OP, that's rubbish. I'd take a break from your partner for the time being.
I suspect he is acting all huffy because he knows he was out of order- he's now puuting the blame on you. Not an attractive trait.

I'd take this break to give serious thought to the relationship

he told me to calm down and stop shouting and that he understands why I’m upset but I shouldn’t be getting angry!

Sorry, he's a bit of a wanker, isn't he? You're allowed to be upset but only in a soft, gentle, forgiving and ladylike kind of way?

I think your ex has got into his head. Probably talked about how "hysterical" you can be. Perhaps "manipulative". "toxic" is another word they like to throw around. Plus, of course, the blatant lies, you were abusive, you attack him for no reason, you are obstructive, you caused the breakup....

Any minute now he's going to start saying things like, "well, there are always two sides to any story."

He has now left me to clear up the mess and have to face my ex on the weekend to now meet my ex because he now “is staying out of it”.

Tell him to stay the fuck out of it for good or he’s dumped. Wanker.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I'd start by making the comparison that if this were you conversing with his ex; the one he absoluted despised, the one that wound him up and it didnt end well, and that you were being all pals with her, that would be out of order and there is no reason that you would ever or should ever be conversing with his ex... obviously, so why does he converse with yours? That stops now. You and only you have to maintain contact with your ex.

I'd be asking him to change his number and not supply your ex with the new number. Any and all contact goes through you and you alone.

If he says no; I'd be asking him why he needs to maintain a relationship with your ex? You're not the damsel to be rescued. This isn't up for debate.

Get his number changed, he blocks the ex on all social media etc. No further contact. Unless they wanna be mates and you will just fk off and leave them to egt on with it.

Just remember to continue to grey rock your ex when you have to deal with him this weekend. The fact that there's been all this trauma with your current partner is irrelevant in this context.

Do the handover, engage ins whatever standard polite chit chat you usually do. Any additional comments/aggressions/accusations from him just ignore then move on.

@GingerIsBest i am going to be forced to be amicable with my ex, despite what happened to and yesterday with the verbal abuse towards me, I’m now going to be forced to face my ex and act like nothing happened! I am so angry because if my partner had not got involved, my ex would have not have had to have his own way yet again, by chopping and changing the dates he will pick up my daughter! I’m also meeting my ex to drop my daughter out of fear because we have a holiday booked and if I “mess up” this weekend, he is the type to call police out of spite to say I am kidnapping my child so we don’t go abroad (he knew about this holiday ages ago btw) I wish I was left to deal with this like I usually do. My partner does not understand the mess he created!

Your DP is the problem here, I'm angry on your behalf. How dare he make it all about him. You need to set a firm boundary with him and tell him that you are not putting up with him undermining you anymore. He's your partner and should have your back and by agreeing with your ex he is doing the opposite. I do think you have to have a serious conversation and tell him this is a hard line for you, he cannot go behind your back ever again otherwise you will have to rethink your relationship. Having a narcissistic ex is unbelievably hard I know full well. You cannot give them any opportunity to turn other people into their flying monkeys and this is precisely what he has done with your DP.

Jesus. You've picked another misogynist wanker here @goforit99. He might not be as blatantly abusive as your ex but he's still a misogynist wanker but this one lacks balls so hides it under a facade of wanting to avoid conflict and "protecting" you. And now he's run away and left you to sort the mess he created. Why on earth are you with this dick?!

How dare he tell you to stop shouting and that you "shouldn't be getting angry". He can fuck right off.

Let me introduce you to Hundred's Lessons for a Happy Adult Life: The first time a man (or indeed a woman) TELLS you what to do is also the last time they do that. No compromises. Stick to this boundary and you'll be a lot happier. And the fuckers will learn that you can't be messed with and will move on to other easier targets. (This is how my mother raised me, and how her mother raised her. No-one messes with the women in my family because quite frankly, we will fuck you up. My female cousins actually scare me lol).

Seriously you deserve so much better than this excuse for a man (both of them!). And apologies for my language but I'm angry on your behalf. Sadly, despite it being the 21st bloody century, there are too many men around who think this shit is acceptable.

@goforit99 I'm so sorry you are going through this. You know that you have to play "nice" so do that but I'd say still don't be drawn any further on this one if you can.

Sadly, I recognise the "use the child as a weapon" tactic all too well. I'm sort of surprised your ex even spends time with her to be honest. Lots of these men by now have disappeared, never to be seen or heard of again except occasionally via the grapevine when you hear about how "heartbroken" he is that he doesn't see his dd but his "crazy psycho ex" (that's you, FYI) won't "let " him.

You'd think the script would be a bit more well known by now. But apparently not.

Oh God, girl I feel for you!

I was in a very similar situation myself many years ago.

A narcissistic ex, whom I had found a way to keep in control. And I was in a relationship with a Really Good Guy, all heart and helpfulness. All was well until the ex kicked off.

I handled it my way, but the narcissistic rage was strong and we were getting to the point of legal action (I had said 'no' to ex over a holiday arrangement that he left until the very last minute, and I genuinely had no flexibility to say 'yes; and he spitefully started threatening, through legal letters, to have the child in question taken into care because I had been abusing her).

Really Good Guy let me handle it my way for a time, but was all 'why can't you just be reasonable? talk to him reasonably?' like it was at least partially my fault.

I tried to explain - narcissist rage, punishing me, no room for reasonable - but Really Good Guy didn't see it, and thought I had just taken an entrenched position.

Really Good Guy took it on himself to get in touch with the ex and arrange to man-to-man chat to sort it all out. Told me he intended to do this. I asked him not to, explained all the reasons why this would backfire - I'm not going to say I 'begged' him not to, but I made very strong representation, asked him in the strongest terms not to.

He went anyway.

As far as I was concerned, that was the end of my relationship with him. He came back, crowing about how well it went, how reasonable ex had been, how all he needed was someone to talk to him equally reasonably....... I said nothing.

Half an hour later, we got a fax (ex's preferred medium of abuse) extending his allegations of abuse to include Really Good Guy kicking her.

Really Good Guy finally got it. Profuse apologies, and he has had my back with ex ever since (married 25 years now).

So I understand where you are coming from, what you are going through with a narcissistic ex and a Really Good Guy who doesn't understand, even when you explain. If my ex hadn't have sent that fax, I would have split with Really Good Guy that night.

Is this a boundary for you that you are willing to insist upon or are you willing to accept this from him?

@HundredMilesAnHour he’s gone! It was the final straw for me, I could never accept that this man was protecting me yet not once did he ever tell my ex to not talk about me in that manner. I am very accommodating and very forgiving but this situation, I can never forgive him, it doesn’t sit well. I will take your lessons in life to heart. I just hope this path will now be fruitful for me going forward.Thank you

@Applesandpears23 i could never accept this. It’s done. I have a young daughter who has an abusive father and that’s my focus! I’m not even upset, I’m not perfect but this situation, I can never forgive a man who I wanted to marry and have children with to downplay my abuse and act like I needed saving! As others have written, he was fully aware of the abuse and so how much I have changed so my little one can grow up and never see the abuse yet, he was enabling the abuser who won, he won by removing my partner from my life and my partner was so stupid to see it despite how many times I told him!

Well done!

You're right of course - instead of believing and supporting you, he chose to engage with someone you had told him was abusive towards you and your DD. You don't need that in your life.

Your partner is not the nice person you claim he is. How dare he get involved AGAINST YOUR WISHES and communicate with your ex, not to mention saying to your ex that what your ex claims you are doing shouldn't be happening. I would give your partner one more chance and if he interfered again, he would be out the door. I do hope it is your door and you are able to ask him to leave.

why are you allowing this to continue? why are you not showing your ex the door? he is deliberately working against you.

Well done @goforit99, |I'm proud of you. I know that can't have been easy for you so seriously, you're amazing! This is a huge step forward for you and shows what a strong role model you can be for your DD.

And please don't think of it as your ex has won. No. YOU have won!! You are free of a man who didn't recognise your worth and didn't give you the respect you deserve. It's his loss. When the time is right - and if you want to - you will meet a man who values you and supports you (and isn't a ball-lacking misogynist wanker!) and respects your boundaries.

Until then (and even then) stick to Hundred's rule for happiness and don't let anyone tell you what to do. I don't even like Alexa telling me what to do 😂. My friends and family know that they can respectfully ask me to do something and I will consider their request. But "telling me" is considered enemy action and will be treated accordingly.

I know there are still messages coming through and I will read all of them but I wanted to thank everyone who sent a message before this one. I cannot express to you the level of support I feel from all of your words! I thought I was over exaggerating and wrong and sensitive and doubted myself because my partner is a lovely man. I now understand that this isn’t healthy! Thank you all so much

@Prydddan wow, I’m so so proud of you and so happy to hear where you are at this stage in life! My goodness, your story is exactly like mine with going to court etc. thank you so much for sharing it means a lot x

@HundredMilesAnHour oh god not Alexa 😂

Seriously, when I use Alexa to set an alarm some mornings and she switches my bedroom light on and says "time to get up" I can't stop myself from telling her to fuck off. It's just so ingrained in me. 😂The phrase stroppy cow springs to mind. Maybe I need to try and change it to "time to consider getting up, please". 😛