Cheating but he's dead?

[oprahwindsock]

My husband died 4 years ago, we were married a long time but we split up for some time during our marriage but got back together and stayed together till he died. I later found out he'd been having a 7 year affair while we were together.

Recently flowers were left at his grave, they weren't from my son, all other family live a long way from here.

Today on what would have been his birthday, I took some flowers to the churchyard and there was a small wooden heart left there.

So who is leaving the flowers/heart? It makes me think he was being unfaithful again and I feel sick to my stomach that the years I've been shedding tears over his loss were wasted tears.

Go the night before his birthday/death anniversary next time and leave a note for them to contact you.

Surely whoever it was would have also have been at the funeral?

Just because someone else loved him enough to want to leave these things doesn't mean he cheated in your last years together. The person could be remembering him from a long time ago. However, as you'll never know for sure now, you will have greater peace if you continue to mourn him for the best of him that you loved, rather than speculating there may have been a worst of him you were unaware of.

No because the funeral was during covid restrictions.

Do you want to know? If so PP's idea of leaving a note could work but they may not reply.

Thank you for this. I'm really grateful to read your view, and I'm trying to remember our last years together when we were never happier.

I just need to get rid of this niggle.

Yes I would really like to know.

Perhaps they are from the woman he had the long affair with?

Must be very difficult - I can't imagine.

Do you know for certain about the 7 year affair you mention? If so, is it likely that the person leaving the heart and flowers was the affair partner? Or do you have reason to think this is another person?

People can retain loving feelings even after a break up (as I guess you did if you split them reconciled) so it could be a person he was with during your time apart but still loves him?

As another poster suggested, you could leave a note in a plastic envelope at the grave asking them to contact you? It may well not work though. And just consider, will it make you feel better to know? Or not?

I hope you find some peace - must be so tough. Xx

Isnt it likely to be the 7 year affair part ner?
you can leave a note but I think there is a big chance it won’t be responded to

I agree with this. It could be someone from a very long time ago who only recently learned of his passing.

Could it be a friend of his? I visit the grave of a friend of mine when I am in the town where he is buried. I have never left flowers or any token, mainly because I don't want his widow to have suspicions like you are having, but I could see that someone else who didn't consider that aspect could leave something behind. There was never anything inappropriate between us and I never had any romantic feelings towards him, but he was my friend and I miss him a lot.

I can understand why you are suspicious, especially as he did have an affair, but I wouldn't jump immediately to the conclusion that it is someone who was more than a friend who left it.

Oh wow, sorry OP! That sounds really rough.

Perhaps it could be from an old friend or colleague or something?

Could it have been related to the 7 year thing you knew about already? Do you think it's another affair?

This is a very difficult one. On the one hand it is upsetting because you were very happy in later years and this throws some shade on that. On the other, someone cared about him and is missing him too, which is a kind of compliment to the person he was. We don’t always know what connections our loved ones have in the world and what they mean to people but he chose to stay with you and that should count for everything. This other person may well be sad about that and it is her way of marking her loss. I don’t think is a fair thing to do to you though.

I suspect it was someone from a long time ago who never made it to the funeral. Probably was upset when they heard about the death. Maybe an old flame from before you two met. I doubt it's an affair partner. I bet your husband didn't even remember this person, and hadn't seen them for YEARS!

I am so sorry to hear about your husband dying. Look after yourself.

Edited to add, I just noticed the 7 year affair partner. Could be her. Sorry @oprahwindsock

Yeah this

So sorry for your loss. I think that's so thoughtless and disrespectful, whoever it is, to leave those things knowing you'll see them and have a hundred questions.
But, just because this person clearly had feelings for him, doesn't mean it was reciprocated. Could it be an old friend who recently found out the news? I guess unless you catch them in the act you'll never know. Good luck in finding peace x

Oh jeez....im now worrying about concerns that I may have caused in people.
I like having a wander around churches and graveyards in the warmer months. Often when wandering if I find something that's been strewn around or knocked over, I'll pick it up and place it on/near the nearest headstone. I've never for a second considered that doing this (if placed on the incorrect stone) may cause these worries in others.
Could it perhaps have been something like that? Something moved from a nearby headstone?

Don't want to cause you stress but it's made me think about it. My dad was married to another woman when I was conceived. He then died when I was 9ish. I started leaving flowers on his grave sporadically after I turned 18 as I didn't know about him before then. Hopefully this isn't the case for you and you can remember the happier times

I’m sorry, OP.

Given the funeral was during covid times, it could be a friend or colleague paying their respects because it was his birthday and they weren’t able to go to the funeral service.

It’s also quite possible that a family member has a friend who lives locally (or used a company) who was able to deliver a gift on their behalf.

I had an ex boyfriend who died really young about 10yrs after we separated. We hadn't been on contact for many of those yrs but about 2 yrs before his accident we met and spoke again. Just friends (id just started dating my now dh).
I couldn't get to his funeral. I know which cemetery he is buried in but not where. I do often think about going to find it and over the decades since I get a strong pull to go and pay my respects to him. I've not done it and although I may go at some point I don't think I'd leave anything now as I wouldn't want to cause any confusion/distress to his family.

I think if I was the other woman (and she was the one visiting) that I'd have to have a private place to go and think of him, rather than his grave where I knew his family would go.

Instagram shows placing a camera on a near by headstone and trying to capture the visitor on camera. You would have to wait for another significant date. You also could throw those flowers or tokens away and decide you will remember him as you do and not search out anything that will
conflict that. If it is the long ago AP or a more recent AP I think it’s cruel to leave these tokens where they know you will
find them. Do you really want to confront someone?

Probably the person he had the 7 year affair with.
It doesn't lesson your love or what you had. That was something only the two of your shared

I appreciate the comments.

It's a tricky one, I want to let it not bother me.

But it does.

I know the husband of the woman he had the affair with. They're still together. We've spoken about it before.

I'm wondering whether to message him and tell him I think it could be her.

What would that achieve though OP? If you want to no if it’s her I’d message her and ask rather than just trying to disrupt her life when you don’t no either way. It could be her, equally it could be a random work colleague that thinks of him (in a friendly way). I can’t see that you’d benefit from messaging this guy.

To what end?

Honestly? I would say it's likely to be her. But she hasn't thrown herself wailing on the grave. A small wooden heart could just be a recognition that she cared for him, once.

But he was your Love, and as you say you were never happier. He was yours.