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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to ‘cry it out’?

46 replies

MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:08

Both DM and MIL are adamant I should let DD cry it out.

For context:
DD is 6 months and moved into her own room about three weeks ago. She slept incredibly well in Next2Me in our room but it was becoming a bit small for her (she’s very long). DD slept through from about 8 weeks (aside from a few nights at about 4.5 months possible 4 month sleep regression).

However, this has all gone to pot now she’s in her own room and I fear I’ve caused some bad habits. She now wakes up every hour/two hours and falls asleep when I pick her up. I try various things before I pick her up- white noise, firm hand on chest) but she continues to cry. She stops as soon as she is in my arms. I sit with her in the chair and put her back in the cot after 10 mins or so. Half an hour later (this varies, sometimes it’s before I’m even back in bed) she’s awake again and crying. This is where the real bad habit comes… I try this three times and then if it’s still not working, I just bring her into my bed. This didn’t happen as much as first but now happens every night. I’m scared she’s now learnt that if she cries she gets to sleep in my arms in my bed. This means I can’t sleep as I’m so worried about it (but at least I’m comfortable and resting).

I really don’t want to let her cry but I’m struggling with what to do. We were obviously very lucky she slept so well for so long. I’ve had next to no sleep now for three weeks and I’m feeling very stressed and down.

YANBU - don’t let her cry and try this…
YABU - let her cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:10

I just feel like there has to be another way.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 03/04/2024 08:10

6 months old is way too young for cry it out. She’s a young baby who’s adapting to a new routine and environment. Plus babies go through phases and change. Cry it out would be cruel. Your baby learning that you are there when she cries is not a bad thing. She could be experiencing a developmental leap, she could be teething, she might just need you.

TeaKitten · 03/04/2024 08:11

Do you not have a partner?

Original poster
MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:11

Thank you so much for your reply.

Should I continue to go to her in the night and keep trying to get her in her cot?

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 03/04/2024 08:13

When is she having milk overnight? Is she going in to her bed awake at the start of the night?

TeaKitten · 03/04/2024 08:13

I would, she can learn that the cot is her bed and she’s sleeping in it, but I wouldn’t leave her to cry alone. Consistently offering comfort and putting her back in is what I would do. She can learn it’s safe and you are still there when needed. Yes it’s not easy but that’s babies for you unfortunately, and the phase will pass.

ForestBather · 03/04/2024 08:15

I never did cry it out for any of mine. She's only six months old. This phase won't last forever.

Leonarda89 · 03/04/2024 08:16

She's crying because she's on her own and doesn't feel safe, it's only very recently in human history that babies have slept in separate rooms from their parents and she's too young to know that she will be okay. Is there an option of having the cot in your room? My DD was in my room until well over one then moved to a double floor bed in her own room so I can go in with her if she needs me to. Or is there a way you can safely co sleep?

gestroopd · 03/04/2024 08:17

She's very very small in human terms and needs human contact (probably yours or her dad's to be specific). What you all need is a good nights sleep. If she's in your room, what's the problem? Who says she's not supposed to be in your room? What exactly is the problem if your baby is sleeping next to her parents? She's not a 15 year old. And she will not be in there forever either. You're not submitting to a manipulative baby, or whatever it is that is being suggested by those around you.

Trust your instincts, listen to your baby who needs you, not two women who (likely) want some validation from your actions. You know what to do, but you think you need to listen to other people because they tell you to: you don't.

SnowSnow · 03/04/2024 08:17

Look Up BASIS sleep it’s research based information and has a section on research on training, normal infant sleep etc.

sorry it’s so tough my 6 month old is similar but has never been keen on any cot and it’s exhausting how often he wakes.

Mrssheepskin · 03/04/2024 08:19

Don’t feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. Do you mean cry it out? (Literally leaving her to cry until she is exhausted and falls asleep?) or controlled crying. I didn’t do it with mine and fed to sleep for all naps and bedtime and when he woke in the night. He started sleeping through at about a year. It is very normal for babies to be waking through the night. Hard yes, but normal.

Original poster
MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:19

@whitebreadjamsandwich

She hasn’t eaten overnight since she was 8 weeks. The health visitor said that once they sleep through not to offer milk in the night as they then want it as a habit. I don’t think she is hungry in the night as she does stop crying as soon as I pick her up.

She has 5 bottles a day - approximately 900-1000mls which is what she should have for her age so I’d worry if she had another bottle in the night she’d be having too much?

DH is useless in the night but that’s another matter.

Yes she goes into bed sleepy but awake when she goes to bed initially but then through the night I have to put her back in asleep or she just cries instantly.

OP posts:
bravotango · 03/04/2024 08:19

It's developmentally normal for her to wake throughout the night, and CIO doesn't work on babies that young or at all You could persist with the cot or bring the cot into your room so she can sense you're nearby? Or, if she's coming into your bed, set it up for safe cosleeping and just lean into that for a bit!

TeaKitten · 03/04/2024 08:20

Has she dropped some milk now she’s weaning enough? If she’s hungry she can’t have ‘too much’ milk.

TooMinty · 03/04/2024 08:20

Can you fit her cot next to your bed in your room? Then you can be close but both have your own space. You absolutely don't have to do any form of sleep training that you aren't comfortable with, but you do need to get some sleep. Have you got a partner and are they on the same page/helping at night?

BuffaloCauliflower · 03/04/2024 08:21

Going to sleep in your arms is the biological norm for our species, sleeping alone in a cot isn’t. Babies know this instinctively even if our society has decided there’s something wrong with it. Baby sleep changes all the time in the first couple of years as they grow and develop, but a lot of apparent issues are actually just incorrect expectations around what a baby should be doing. 6 months is very young to expect them to sleep alone in another room. Even most countries medical guidance now says to keep them with you for the first year. Keep her with you, don’t leave her to cry. Teaching her you won’t comfort her when she cries is not something anyone should be teaching a baby.

GanninHyem · 03/04/2024 08:23

Honestly, this happened with my DD although she was around 9 months when she moved into her own room. I just brought her into bed with me when she woke as I couldn't be arsed with fighting in the middle of the cold nights and I had absolutely no intention of leaving her to cry. They're only babies for a short time and crying is expressing a need, as a mother I respond to that need and if the crying stops when they're close then that's what they need. The need to bring her in the bed lessened as the months went in and she started sleeping fully through around 13 months, and has done since really except when poorly and then she's in our bed again. Just do what works for you as every child's sleep needs will be different. We very much have this idea of pushing children away in the western world, and I don't really know why.

Original poster
MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:24

BuffaloCauliflower · 03/04/2024 08:21

Going to sleep in your arms is the biological norm for our species, sleeping alone in a cot isn’t. Babies know this instinctively even if our society has decided there’s something wrong with it. Baby sleep changes all the time in the first couple of years as they grow and develop, but a lot of apparent issues are actually just incorrect expectations around what a baby should be doing. 6 months is very young to expect them to sleep alone in another room. Even most countries medical guidance now says to keep them with you for the first year. Keep her with you, don’t leave her to cry. Teaching her you won’t comfort her when she cries is not something anyone should be teaching a baby.

Thank you so much. I need to hear this.

I might try the travel cot in our room for a bit and then if her sleeping improves bring her actual cot in.

I think it’s just the change that has been a shock. Going from her sleeping 8-7 consistently to just not sleeping at all. She must just hate being alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:25

GanninHyem · 03/04/2024 08:23

Honestly, this happened with my DD although she was around 9 months when she moved into her own room. I just brought her into bed with me when she woke as I couldn't be arsed with fighting in the middle of the cold nights and I had absolutely no intention of leaving her to cry. They're only babies for a short time and crying is expressing a need, as a mother I respond to that need and if the crying stops when they're close then that's what they need. The need to bring her in the bed lessened as the months went in and she started sleeping fully through around 13 months, and has done since really except when poorly and then she's in our bed again. Just do what works for you as every child's sleep needs will be different. We very much have this idea of pushing children away in the western world, and I don't really know why.

Edited

Thank you so much.

It’s hard - I just worry all the time I’m doing something wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:30

TeaKitten · 03/04/2024 08:20

Has she dropped some milk now she’s weaning enough? If she’s hungry she can’t have ‘too much’ milk.

She’s still having all her bottles through the day. She’s started weaning but it’s in the early stages at the moment.

OP posts:
Flubadubba · 03/04/2024 08:34

On a practical side, is there any space to sleep beside on her cot on a mattress or similar whilst she works this through? That gets her used to the cot, and you get more space.

Do what you need to do and trust your instincts. I didn't do CIO as instinctively it felt wrong and cruel to me, and was the wrong solution for my delightfully stubborn child. DD was 6 months at the start of lockdown, so we didn't have a huge number of competing priorities or as.much to do with our time, though!

She decided to start sleeping through reliably at around 10 months, of her own volition. We were also unusual and had DD in our room until about 20 months before moving her (she moved into a big bed when she was 26 months). With the exception of developmental spurts, she has been a great sleeper since (now 4.5, and we are definitely going through a spurt atm- 6 weeks of nights where she has slipped into our bed).

I have friends who did CIO and other methods and it worked for them. I don't like the idea, but the scientific evidence points towards it not being harmful.

That said, sleep training is a continuum, though. If it is causing you distress, it might be worth looking at something more gentle like the Baby Sleep Solution (by Lucy Wolfe) or the No Cry Baby Sleep Solution (Elizabeth Pantley). Both of them seem to be highly recommended and practical. (On the tougher side, Precious Little Sleep seems to get some love, but that didn't chime with me at all).

I feel for you! If you have had a baby who has slept well from the start (I didn't, but my friend who had her baby on the same day did) any regressions are a shock to the system. They all resolve eventually, so hang on in there.

1plus1equalswindow · 03/04/2024 08:37

I've heard people do cry it out for it to work for 4 months, then go back to what it was before. No point.
It's funny cos when I accepted this was my life (co-sleeping) the stress melted away. I realised the stress was due to "what I thought I should be doing" not "what is"

Original poster
MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:40

Flubadubba · 03/04/2024 08:34

On a practical side, is there any space to sleep beside on her cot on a mattress or similar whilst she works this through? That gets her used to the cot, and you get more space.

Do what you need to do and trust your instincts. I didn't do CIO as instinctively it felt wrong and cruel to me, and was the wrong solution for my delightfully stubborn child. DD was 6 months at the start of lockdown, so we didn't have a huge number of competing priorities or as.much to do with our time, though!

She decided to start sleeping through reliably at around 10 months, of her own volition. We were also unusual and had DD in our room until about 20 months before moving her (she moved into a big bed when she was 26 months). With the exception of developmental spurts, she has been a great sleeper since (now 4.5, and we are definitely going through a spurt atm- 6 weeks of nights where she has slipped into our bed).

I have friends who did CIO and other methods and it worked for them. I don't like the idea, but the scientific evidence points towards it not being harmful.

That said, sleep training is a continuum, though. If it is causing you distress, it might be worth looking at something more gentle like the Baby Sleep Solution (by Lucy Wolfe) or the No Cry Baby Sleep Solution (Elizabeth Pantley). Both of them seem to be highly recommended and practical. (On the tougher side, Precious Little Sleep seems to get some love, but that didn't chime with me at all).

I feel for you! If you have had a baby who has slept well from the start (I didn't, but my friend who had her baby on the same day did) any regressions are a shock to the system. They all resolve eventually, so hang on in there.

Edited

Thank you so much for the suggestions. I will look at these today!

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaSleep · 03/04/2024 08:41

1plus1equalswindow · 03/04/2024 08:37

I've heard people do cry it out for it to work for 4 months, then go back to what it was before. No point.
It's funny cos when I accepted this was my life (co-sleeping) the stress melted away. I realised the stress was due to "what I thought I should be doing" not "what is"

I do think I probably need to go with co-sleeping. It’s the change in her sleeping which has been a shock to the system and totally thrown me.

OP posts:
Flubadubba · 03/04/2024 08:42

@MamaSleep I think I edited as you were replying, with a few more things.

Hang on in there, and go with your gut on how to deal with this. It won't last forever.