AIBU To Leave Him? How Can I Do It? WWYD?

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So to start off, he isn't abusive or cruel in any way. And the issues with him probably aren't his fault... but I just can't stand it anymore - life with him is a constant worry, and because I know he's not doing any of the stuff on purpose, he's unable to change.

We have two children, aged 1 and 4. We don't have sex, and he is often grumpy and defensive with me about things. He works six days a week in term time, and is a hands on father to our children. He makes a lot of mistakes domestically - sort of a "death by 1000 cuts" type thing. For example undoes the children's sleep training, and boil washes clothes so that they are ruined. He is suspected "inattentive" ADHD (waiting for an assessment forever), and I've learnt to accept all of the above, although it's far from ideal, as I know he's trying, and ultimately it's not worth breaking our family up over.

But here's what I'm struggling to get past.... there is ALWAYS an issue with his work. As in, for the last 7 years, a few examples are;

• He's had a failed business, because he didn't realise he was working 28 hours a week rather than 38.

• He's been fired from three office jobs. As in, I go home from the shops to find him at home, having been told to clear his desk and get out.

• He's failed a really hard-won placement at a school, which went horribly sour and he was unbearable for weeks through the slow car crash.

The list goes on...

Last night, after weeks of him being really tight with money and defensive generally about everything, it transpires that he's not getting paid £155 per day by the agency he works for, as he had told me. It's £160 per week less. So all the careful calculations I'd done, how much we could afford on this and that, how much each of needed to put into the joint account to make it fair... all based on bollocks as usual. He's also been on an emergency tax code for months, which he didn't realise until recently and is taking ages to sort (although I appreciate HMRC sre shit). Which is why we're both maxing out our overdrafts every month, and still can't afford our (modest) bills.

I feel he's so clueless, I can't trust a thing he says. Even if it isn't his fault. I'm naturally inclined to be on the anxious side, but have had to start taking medication in the last few years, which just goes up and up and up, so that I can cope with whatever new catastrophe he comes home with.

We "own" our house, insomuch as we have a mortgage on it, no-where near being paid off. I'm an accountant, so better earning potential than him. I worked hard to get a job where I could work part time and be at home when the children are very little. I currently work two days. His parents are lovely, and do childcare for the baby when I'm working.

What can I do? I just associate him with stress and have lost all my trust and respect for him. I know it's harsh, and I wish I didn't feel this way. But I'm absolutely sick of him, and don't see how it can change. If I go back to work full time, he'll be doing stupid stuff at home and with the children, so I don't think that's a particularly great option either.

When couples split, where do they both live? What will happen about the children?? Or should I just suck it up and live with him, despite it all. Perhaps going it alone would be worse even than it is now?

So I guess my AIBU is AIBU to think leaving him is a good idea?

Or am I being unreasonable? Is life as a single parent harder and it's not worth the split.

I just want to raise my family without being constantly flat broke, and having hideous, anxiety inducing problems crop up all the time...

OP, you can't stay with a person who you describe as "I'm absolutely sick of him" and is causing you such anxiety. Better to split now.

You will probably need to sell the house and get two smaller places. Seeing a solicitor may be a good first step.

Is it better though, or would it be prudent to wait 18 months, at least until the baby has his 30 free hours?

I AM absolutely sick of him, but realistically how could I work and look after the baby? Anything I earn will go on nursery fees, if he goes to nursery...

Was he like this before the children were born?

He can move in with his parents, they can help with child care (assuming they know what he is like and should be amenable to this if they want continued input to the DGCs as you could move away/ pay for childcare/ might move nearer family as he doesn't seem able to support you).

On the other hand medication might help him if he is diagnosed with ADHD - can this be speeded up

Oh come on, don't start with that.

He must have been. But he held down an easy job in retail. It was only when he started doing office work / teaching / his own businesses that he started losing jobs. He was always a bit absent minded, but boy did I not see the extent of it!

And having children and COL has compounded everything so much. It's not like "oh dear, you weren't really on the ball about your tax code. We'll get a nice lump sum sooner or later!" It's "OMG, you haven't been paid properly! We can't afford groceries".

Of course I do regret having children with him though.

Are you trying to convince people reading that you’re justified in leaving - or yourself?

Because you are allowed to leave, you don’t have to be this unhappy.

It depends if you are sick of him or the behaviour. A lot of what you described could be adhd, so if you decide to stick it out start there - could he be assessed privately? Could you afford that? Alternatively look into self help techniques, there are lots of podcasts and some useful self help strategies for adhd, gp should be able to point in the right direction.

If you decide you are definitely done, book a free 30 min assessment with a solicitor as a starting point and/or speak to citizens advice. Be mindful that he could ask for shared care,and in the eyes of the courts the things you have described such as messing up their sleep training are unlikely to be considered 'welfare issues' so during his time with DC he will be permitted to parent them.his own way.

Separate to whether you decide to leave him, I think the decision for the higher earner to only work 2 days was a silly one. You need to increase your hours if you want financial stability.

Sounds like my friend’s husband. He loves them dearly but good god I could not live with him. He just fucks up their lives constantly.

Of course YANBU if you’re at this point.

You’d cope in the same way that single mothers up and down the country do. You’d apply for universal credit, which would help with the childcare costs. The house - either one of you would have to buy the other out, or you sell it and each buy or rent what you can then afford.

My view is that if you wait until the 2yr old hours, then you’ll end up waiting until they start school, then you won’t want to disrupt them until their secondary transfer…..

The thirty free hours are a myth, as there are no providers as it costs them too much to provide.
nurseries are closing at a very fast pace in my town,

In my experience HMRC are very quick in sorting a tax code issue. Has he even rung them?
When I last had to ring them it was sorted within 24 hours.

Have you actually seen his wage slips?
Or could he be wanting to keep some money for himself.

I think there are several things in play. You're sick of him though so regardless I think the marriage is over and it's time to move on.

I'm waiting on adhd diagnosis myself, so I can feel some empathy towards your husband to be fair, at times I struggle to hold it all together and overlook things that seem obvious to others. I do take responsibility for my mistakes though. I would say he's working three times as many hours as you according to this post, in a job that you state doesn't pay as well, and you're struggling financially, so I guess form my perspective if your husband wrote this he could be saying.

I'm working 6 days a week and I'm really struggling to hold it to together and keep making lots of mistakes which ultimately cost us financially, my wife refuses to work more than two days a week even though her work is more lucrative than mine. I've moved careers several times to try and make things work, but I've lost a few jobs because I'm just struggling with the pressure of it all.

I'm not saying that's his reality, I think it's often more frustrating when people don't take responsibility for their actions and it sounds like he's a water off a ducks back person and that would be pretty frustrating.

But like I said in the beginning, if it's over then it's over and you don't have to justify it. Assuming you do leave, can you live off your two days a week? Do you have equity to but two new properties?

I think you're giving in too easily (sorry). You work two days a week so up your hours and let him take on more of the responsibility at home in terms of childcare.

I think the marriage is done for because you've already decided it is. And yes, I'd be frustrated with his lack of input, no matter how much I told myself to be understanding of his ADHD.

But I don't think you are a wronged party here. There are solutions for your little unit to deal with these issues but it sounds like you don't want those solutions.

In all honesty if you cannot wait for an assessment and to explore coping mechanisms then you need to start getting your ducks in a row.

I'd explore increasing your hours though because I suspect you could out earn UC.

Also, just want to say I was a single Mum for 15 years whilst studying my financial exams and starting my career. It was hard work but it was easier than dealing with the aftermath of my exes poor decisions.

You can end a marriage for whatever reason you like.

But you have to co-parent with him for the next two decades (and potentially beyond if your kids had additional needs in adulthood).

Realistically all of the things that annoy you about him will still be a factor after you divorce. Negotiating around child support payments/other money issues, sleep schedules of the children when he has custody (which could be 50pc of the time), shrinking their clothes etc.

Nothing you say suggests any court would think he shouldn't have the children half the time, it's annoying you but it's not neglect to not stick to a sleep schedule or shrink clothes.

So if you want to end the marriage, then you can of course do that. But you aren't going to delete him from existence so it may not fix your issues with him.

Sorry but I think whether you stay or go, you are going to need to find a way to be less annoyed by small things like laundry and sleep schedules. Otherwise you'll go mad.

Screwing up on bigger things like not knowing what he gets paid is a bit more legit to be annoyed at.

And you should look at increasing with working hours - better to start earning more now and paying off your credit card debts asap as it will give you more of a buffer to manage the cost of moving and separating if you do decide to do that.

He sounds really hard work. If you leave though, you have to expect to work full time. Remember then the kids will go and stay with him without you, would you be happy with that ( and if so, why doesn’t he stay home now and you increase your hours?)

The reason he didn't do fewer hours, was that the career he wants to get in to is teaching, so it's not flexible in terms of hours etc, especially when you're starting. When I supported him through teacher training, I never dreamed he'd have such a hard time keeping a job. I can grow my career part-time, whilst supporting him with his full time career by tsking care of tge children, much more easily than the other way round (I also drive, whereas he can't).

In theory, he could go work at Tesco part-time. But the earning potential is a lot less than teaching IF he manages to hold down a job (his earning potential would then be as good as mine, I'm not on mega bucks). But whenever he does anything other than teaching, he's a misery to live with - really bitter and resentful and feels he's underachieving. But yes, he could work part-time and be miserable, and I could work full time and miss the children, and come home to a house where most of it still needs doing. It is an option I suppose.

How many teaching jobs has he failed at? You mentioned one placement in the first post? Is he a fully qualified teacher now or was that a placement as part of his teacher training course?

There was a spate where he couldn't get reliable work teaching - just occasional supply. Then he had a "proper" placement, which was AWFUL and they didn't keep him. Then I think another placement which went terribly? Can't remember whether it was one or two. Then a string of failed office jobs, which he's really not suited to. Then he signed up with LOTS of agencies and had reliable work, every day. Then long-term supply, covering maternity leave which seemed to be going really well. But they couldn't afford to take him on after three months. He's got another long-term position starting after the holiday. Never finished his NQT thing, as has to be signed off by someone.

The teaching thing had seemed to be going better, but now it's the issue of him not understanding his pay / tax. The school he was at last term seemed a perfect fit gor him (seems they are all run quite differently). No guarantee about the next one though.

@MojoMoon "Realistically all of the things that annoy you about him will still be a factor after you divorce. Negotiating around child support payments/other money issues, sleep schedules of the children when he has custody (which could be 50pc of the time), shrinking their clothes etc."

This is what I worry about.

Can you pay for the Adhd assessment ? With medication he could improve at least it will mean you have tried then make a decision.This is an awful situation to be in for you.You say his parents are lovely and help you do they realise how he is surely they must.Would they be able to pay the asssessment as you are short of money ? Good luck.