So to start off, he isn't abusive or cruel in any way. And the issues with him probably aren't his fault... but I just can't stand it anymore - life with him is a constant worry, and because I know he's not doing any of the stuff on purpose, he's unable to change.
We have two children, aged 1 and 4. We don't have sex, and he is often grumpy and defensive with me about things. He works six days a week in term time, and is a hands on father to our children. He makes a lot of mistakes domestically - sort of a "death by 1000 cuts" type thing. For example undoes the children's sleep training, and boil washes clothes so that they are ruined. He is suspected "inattentive" ADHD (waiting for an assessment forever), and I've learnt to accept all of the above, although it's far from ideal, as I know he's trying, and ultimately it's not worth breaking our family up over.
But here's what I'm struggling to get past.... there is ALWAYS an issue with his work. As in, for the last 7 years, a few examples are;
- He's had a failed business, because he didn't realise he was working 28 hours a week rather than 38.
- He's been fired from three office jobs. As in, I go home from the shops to find him at home, having been told to clear his desk and get out.
- He's failed a really hard-won placement at a school, which went horribly sour and he was unbearable for weeks through the slow car crash.
The list goes on...
Last night, after weeks of him being really tight with money and defensive generally about everything, it transpires that he's not getting paid £155 per day by the agency he works for, as he had told me. It's £160 per week less. So all the careful calculations I'd done, how much we could afford on this and that, how much each of needed to put into the joint account to make it fair... all based on bollocks as usual. He's also been on an emergency tax code for months, which he didn't realise until recently and is taking ages to sort (although I appreciate HMRC sre shit). Which is why we're both maxing out our overdrafts every month, and still can't afford our (modest) bills.
I feel he's so clueless, I can't trust a thing he says. Even if it isn't his fault. I'm naturally inclined to be on the anxious side, but have had to start taking medication in the last few years, which just goes up and up and up, so that I can cope with whatever new catastrophe he comes home with.
We "own" our house, insomuch as we have a mortgage on it, no-where near being paid off. I'm an accountant, so better earning potential than him. I worked hard to get a job where I could work part time and be at home when the children are very little. I currently work two days. His parents are lovely, and do childcare for the baby when I'm working.
What can I do? I just associate him with stress and have lost all my trust and respect for him. I know it's harsh, and I wish I didn't feel this way. But I'm absolutely sick of him, and don't see how it can change. If I go back to work full time, he'll be doing stupid stuff at home and with the children, so I don't think that's a particularly great option either.
When couples split, where do they both live? What will happen about the children?? Or should I just suck it up and live with him, despite it all. Perhaps going it alone would be worse even than it is now?
So I guess my AIBU is AIBU to think leaving him is a good idea?
Or am I being unreasonable? Is life as a single parent harder and it's not worth the split.
I just want to raise my family without being constantly flat broke, and having hideous, anxiety inducing problems crop up all the time...