Children treated differently in a blended family dynamic

[HollieTalbut1997]

AIBU? I’m interested in others opinions and points of view here. I believe that in a blended family dynamic all the children involved should be treated equally, no matter the circumstances with the child’s other parent.

For context - my parents divorced when I was young and neither went on to have any more children, however my dad remarried and his new wife had a daughter from a previous relationship who does not see her dad, so my dad has raised her and she views him as her dad, which is totally fine. I have a good relationship with my step-sister.
The issue is that I feel we’re both treated very differently, it irritated me as a child/teen but has recently started to annoy me again.

When we were younger and on days out etc my step-sister would get bought things like clothes etc that she wanted but I wouldn’t ever get anything. As we got older it was things like them taking her on weekends away and little holidays but not taking me anywhere. I did raise this with my dad years ago - he denied we were treated differently at first, but then said that I was lucky as my mum did a lot of me whereas my step-sisters other parent wasn’t in her life so they were all she had. Eg he said my mum took me on nice holidays, bought me stuff I wanted etc. I don’t think this is relevant to the family my dad/stepmum have created as my mum is nothing to do with it and I’m her only child. It definitely left me feeling like the lesser favoured child.

It wasn’t something that bothered me so much as we became adults but recently there have been a few situations which have annoyed me again. My step-sisters car broke down and wasn’t worth fixing so she needed a new car, she’s currently on mat leave so she couldn’t afford a new one. My dad has gifted her his car (which is a nice and not particularly old car) for free. They also paid for her baby shower last year and when my step-sister bought her house, they gifted her all the white goods for the kitchen. I got a small housewarming gift worth less than £50 when I bought my flat.
I don’t want this to sound entitled as I don’t expect my parents to fund anything - I have purchased my car, flat etc on my own with no help however it does annoy me that it feels so unequal.

Is it unreasonable to think we should both be treated the same? I believe when you blend a family all the children involved should be treated the same as much as possible and I feel that if we were biological siblings they would treat us the same? Maybe I’m wrong as I don’t actually have biological siblings so don’t have that experience.

My partners family is a very similar set up and I sometimes observe similar things going in. E.g. for birthdays dp and his full sibling get a small amount in cash which is fine they're adults. His step sibling who is not his father's child seems to get an array of gifts. It doesn't bother my dp but it would me. Mil is a lovely woman, I suspect she's trying to compensate for no biological dad in his life but by all rights and responsibilities fil has filled that role as far as I can tell and his biological grandad also.

My family all got together in my grandmother’s house for a bit of a goodbye the week after she died. I wasn’t invited or even told until afterwards. Dad, SM, half siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins.

what was it about me as an individual that as an adult I needed to be parented out of that situation?

Absolutely this.

@HollieTalbut1997 its 100% unfair and really shitty parenting. I'm really surprised you've grown up liking your stepsister condmsidering your fathers blatant favoritism. Hes pretty lucky for that. I'd explain how you feel and point out all the favoritism and if nothing changes cut him off.

I agree. I have no desire to have a family with someone else should dh and I split. He had a vasectomy so unlikely to have more with someone else anyway. Blended families look so complicated!

There's a blended family next door and I never know when the dc are there every week. Very chaotic.

Here in lies the problem.
It's like the argument about disability rights/access. Should everyone get given the same....same amount of money/gifts by one set of parents....or should it be weighted so that you both end up with the same even if half of yours came from your mum.

If you Dad and SM had given you exactly the same you would have ended up with twice as much.....is that fairer?

There is no perfect way. Kids in blended families are not all the same, and it's difficult to draw comparisons because their are so many variations on how much they see each parent and how much financial support they get.

I think your DF and SM probably made the best decision they could.

I'm a mum with a DD from a previous relationship and two DSs with my current DH. I do get where you're coming from but we do holidays with all three of them and some with just my DSs. If she came on all of them and did the ones with her dad she would go on twice as many holidays as my sons. As far as I'm concerned, we do stuff at weekends and holidays, if she's with us, she comes and if she's not, she doesn't. It's not personal and we always save says out we know she'll enjoy, for when she's here. She gets spoilt by her dad and does nice things with us. She never misses out. No blended family is ever perfect but we do try and ensure they are getting treats and holidays etc.... it's just that for my daughter half are with us and half with her dad as she is half his responsibility.

The truth of the matter is step siblings that live with Dad and SM, the extras given isn't about them, but staying in the SM knickers. Lots of men are that shallow. It's a shame because it puts siblings against each other, when it's the parents that should be challenged. However, occasionally it is making up for the SS's lack of other parent and the emotional and financial disadvantage of that.

You’ll need to agree to disagree with all the grown children who have carried the experience and trauma of being less than in their own family.

It's not about getting double holidays it's about feeling your dad WANTS to go on holiday with you as much as your step sibling.
With DSS we always made him welcome, even when an adult as we love spending time with him. I fact we felt happy when he wanted to come with us.
Our will is written in such a way that he will feel he is getting an absolute same amount from his dad as his half siblings. It doesn't matter that he's getting more from his mum.
I think it's a small price to pay for the difficulty of having to live between two houses all your childhood.

Hi OP that seems so unfair and I feel for you. I was the favourite with my grandparents and didn't give it a second thought but she always gave the cousins equal presents at Christmas and birthdays. However, it set up a lot of jealousy from then to the present day from cousins and uncles.
Now that I am not the favoured one with my in laws I realise how unjust and random it is to have favourites. It could be anything from sharing the same sense of humour, reminding them of a relative or feeling sorry for one over another.
Would it be possible to have a chat with your dad and tell him how you feel? Sometimes people get into habits without even thinking. Could this be it?
You definitely need to have a chat so he has a chance to think about it, change it and redress the balance.
Be brave and good luck. Communication is key xxxx

Joint account means nothing.

I know couples who have or had joint accounts and one spouse controll/ed everything.

Also there are plenty of SM who earn more than their spouses. However you won't be told that especially as a child.

I'm fully aware that when it came to giving me things when I saw my dad it was my SM who paid. There as with friends their SF paid.

In a couple of cases the youngest who was the couples joint child/children got more spent on education and hobbies than their older children with previous partners.

Should say in my case we were treated differently due to non-shared grandparents. How those grandparents weren't loved by their respected grandchildren while other elderly relations who treated fairly, but most definitely not the same, were.

Also there are plenty of SM who earn more than their spouses. However you won't be told that especially as a child.

I'm fully aware that when it came to giving me things when I saw my dad it was my SM who paid. There as with friends their SF paid.

@Reugny Agreed. Me, I do. When my SC go on holiday with their dad, it's me who pays but they don't know that.

I think this argument kind of stands when we were children, however as an adult I haven’t had any financial help from either parents so my step sister has ended up with more.

The problem can be is that even in a non-blended family, parents can try to be fair but it isn't always possible.

Dd1 got to spend far more one on one time with grandparents, because they were 6 years older when ds came along and not up to looking after young ones.
Dd2 had a friend who did gym and took her, which I couldn't because I didn't drive. Dd1 couldn't do gym because I couldn't get her there.
Ds I took to Legoland once a week when he was preschool, because I'd learnt to drive.

They all have, at different time's claimed they were hardest treated due to that sort of thing.