Children treated differently in a blended family dynamic

[HollieTalbut1997]

AIBU? I’m interested in others opinions and points of view here. I believe that in a blended family dynamic all the children involved should be treated equally, no matter the circumstances with the child’s other parent.

For context - my parents divorced when I was young and neither went on to have any more children, however my dad remarried and his new wife had a daughter from a previous relationship who does not see her dad, so my dad has raised her and she views him as her dad, which is totally fine. I have a good relationship with my step-sister.
The issue is that I feel we’re both treated very differently, it irritated me as a child/teen but has recently started to annoy me again.

When we were younger and on days out etc my step-sister would get bought things like clothes etc that she wanted but I wouldn’t ever get anything. As we got older it was things like them taking her on weekends away and little holidays but not taking me anywhere. I did raise this with my dad years ago - he denied we were treated differently at first, but then said that I was lucky as my mum did a lot of me whereas my step-sisters other parent wasn’t in her life so they were all she had. Eg he said my mum took me on nice holidays, bought me stuff I wanted etc. I don’t think this is relevant to the family my dad/stepmum have created as my mum is nothing to do with it and I’m her only child. It definitely left me feeling like the lesser favoured child.

It wasn’t something that bothered me so much as we became adults but recently there have been a few situations which have annoyed me again. My step-sisters car broke down and wasn’t worth fixing so she needed a new car, she’s currently on mat leave so she couldn’t afford a new one. My dad has gifted her his car (which is a nice and not particularly old car) for free. They also paid for her baby shower last year and when my step-sister bought her house, they gifted her all the white goods for the kitchen. I got a small housewarming gift worth less than £50 when I bought my flat.
I don’t want this to sound entitled as I don’t expect my parents to fund anything - I have purchased my car, flat etc on my own with no help however it does annoy me that it feels so unequal.

Is it unreasonable to think we should both be treated the same? I believe when you blend a family all the children involved should be treated the same as much as possible and I feel that if we were biological siblings they would treat us the same? Maybe I’m wrong as I don’t actually have biological siblings so don’t have that experience.

I would say you're confusing equal with fair.
For example your dad and wife were therefore never supposed to go away unless you were around, but you could've been away with your mum. Were they all meant to sit at home? I think it's fair that your sd got holidays too.

You are right though that things aren't equal and on occasions not fair either and I would be upset. But no doubt raising it makes you look petty or jealous.
My own daughters are upset because they got a text to wish them happy Easter whilst their dad is with his new family on an Easter cruise, that's not equal or fair.
In the past it maybe does seem fair as your ss had no other involved parent so was included in everything. I think it's very difficult to get any blended family right, I know we haven't

Thanks for your perspective it’s interesting to hear others perceptions. I certainly didn’t expect them to sit around and do nothing when I wasn’t with them but I do feel that for big things like holidays I should be included unless there was a good reason for me not to be eg I already have a holiday with mum - however this was never the case.

I do think your situation does in parts sound unfair. I'm sorry you've had this as a child and now an adult.
Navigating blended families is hard and most try their best to get it right for all but what we think we've got right maybe perceived as very different to those around us. I assume they didn't want your ss to feel left out as you had your mum but in doing that it deflected onto you.

I think your dad should have taken you on some holidays. I don't think you would be so upset about missing out on some if you had been on a few as you did get to go away with your mum.

It is obviously unfair and cruel to have such a big disparity in treatment now. Do they see your DSS a lot more? It just seems odd on your dad's part.

Is you SSis younger than you? I just wonder if it made a difference bec they all lived in the same house and you were with your mum. However your dad should make sure you have the same as your Ssis. So yes you bought your own car but he should gift you something of equal importance or funacial equivalence to the car. Sometimes finances change and I get that but he certainly should be doing stuff for you.

No she’s 2.5 years older than me. I think it probably did make a different that they all lived together and I didn’t live there all the time

I suspect your father is treating you the same. And the difference is that her mother is adding to the giving to her own child.

Yeah I agree - they do see her more but equally feel they make more effort with her!

You absolutely should have been treated equally. I had the same experience. Never taken on the ‘family’ holiday. Lower value Christmas and birthday presents than my half-siblings.

I was once asked by a family friend why I didn’t go to his wedding and I laughed and said you didn’t invite me. The invitation was addressed to “Dad, SM and family”. They went with my half-siblings. They obviously didn’t consider me family 🤷‍♀️

I agree there is an element of this - but my dad gifted his car. That was totally his choice.

Gosh reading all these stories about how some of you feel left out is really sad.

This sounds very similar to my situation!

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In what way?

As children you admit you both had sane amount of material type stuff as your mum brought you things

As adults do you earn more than your step sibling?

It seems strange your dad and step mum would pay for all white goods in step siblings house and give her a car. Yet have given you nothing

I don’t believe all children are treated the same in any family dynamic. I know that Mn hates step parents but kids are all individuals and they all need different things and different parenting. Life doesn’t go on pause no matter who is at home or not at the time. If it happens on a weekend when everyone is here , everyone goes, if not the people here will go. That’s just life. No kid should dictate where or how stuff happens in any family. We tend to take all kids or no kids on holiday BUT if we had kids of our own like so may posters do, who weren’t school age i would 100% also be holidaying with just them sometimes. Just like step kids sometimes holiday with their mum!

I do earn more now (very recently got a big promotion, before that I’d say we earned similar) but that’s mainly because I made good choices about uni/career options whereas she didn’t really and it wasn’t a focus for her

I totally get you.

Big age gap of 13 and 15 years between me and my full biological siblings. My father remarried when they were about 3 and 5 and of course as a late teen I wouldn't want to be taken on days out or family holidays or would I? It'd be nice to have been considered.
My father is father to us all and has a very comfortable lifestyle (as does his wife) and as do my DSis's while I get literally nothing. Tbh I don't care about getting anything (even though they got new iPhones for Christmas and £250 vouchers for Easter) but my birthday is usually forgotten, just a happy birthday to show he remembers would be lovely but nothing. I get a Merry Christmas most years though.

Its shit feeling like the forgotten one. The material items just give an easy reminder of what's happening and what I feel at a deeper level.

Op I hope you're ok.

Not a step parent but my children have had (several) step mums so I have witnessed their upset quite a bit. The holidays one is massive - yes, I take them on holiday and am glad to and we always have a great time but their dad has only taken them away once, despite always doing holidays with partner and her child/ren. I find the argument that is frequently cited on here ‘but why should they get two holidays if the other children only get one’ really unfair. Holidays are a time to be a family, enjoy doing something different, in a more relaxed environment. It isn’t fair that some children never get that with one of their parents. I do understand that if taking the step children becomes prohibitive for the other children that is problematic but less frequent or cheaper holidays are all options. We spent many years in caravans because that was all I could afford.

I do think parents should endeavour to treat their children fairly in these situations. It is so damaging to those who are left out.

I think children should be treated fair however it never happens even in non blended families. It’s a great skill of parenting which many parents don’t have.
In your case your dad should have taken you with them at least sometimes and baby shower/ car/ white goods things examples do sound unfair. Could it be that it was step mum’s money rather than your dad? One of my relatives is your step sister in this situation but I know for sure that it’s mum’s money not step dad’s. However it might look different for some people from outside.

Yes that’s so true - it’s not really about the material stuff - it’s ultimately about feeling less valued and loved

As far as I know money came from joint accounts - the car was my dads which he paid for.

See this is why I would never remarry:live with someone if me and DH split up until my children are fully grown. I would also hate for DH to have more kids with someone else (although realise I would have no control over that!). I just don’t think blended families are fair on anyone.
you can still have a relationship with someone but wait to move in together. Kids aren’t young for long and deserve to have a safe (emotionally) home to grow up in

So my parents have always been together up until when my dad passed a few years ago. Of course, there were occasions when I felt my sis was favoured or got more growing up - I think this is normal. But the reality is we always got the same or similar depending on individual needs.
It just seems a bit sad that some people from blended families don't feel that it's equal. Or that they weren't included in a holiday. I personally think your dad could have taken you away just the two of you. Even for a weekend.
Although - he may feel a bit sorry for stepsister and over coapensated. Who knows?

Good for you but you dictate what others do