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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Too soon to get engaged?

80 replies

SleepyHollowed84 · 02/04/2024 21:15

My younger sister is 28 and got out of a 7 year long relationship in December 2022. She met her new boyfriend (aged 25) on a dating app one year ago. As soon as they met they became exclusive and have just celebrated one year together.

They are talking about getting engaged next year.

We have just had a big argument because I have expressed concern that it is moving too fast and I was asking what's the rush? She argues that when you know it's right, it's right. I worry that they haven't known each other long enough to make that big decision, especially given it was only 3 months between a big break up and a new relationship starting.

AIBU to think knowing someone for 2 years is too quick to commit to marriage?

Or should I keep my nose out of it?

YABU - it's none of your business
YANBU - it seems to be moving quite fast

Grateful for any opinions. I don't want this to come between us but I only want what's best for her.

OP posts:

Alwaystired23 · 02/04/2024 22:46

I got engaged after being with my now dh for one year. We were married within two. We have been married 13 years and have 2 dc. I'm with your daughter on this one. When you know, you know.

TeenLifeMum · 02/04/2024 22:49

When you know you know. I was never going to marry but then, after 4 months dh and I spoke like that was an obvious part of our future. We married after 3 years together but only due to money delaying it.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/04/2024 22:53

My parents got engaged at six months. I think it's fifty five years they've been married now. A friend of mine also got engaged at six months and I certainly didn't question that. I'd seen her in several previous relationships and then when I met the one she married it was obvious she'd got it right this time. When you know you know. The insulting her intelligence is a concern though.

DramaAlpaca · 02/04/2024 23:01

When you know, you know. DH and I were engaged after just under a year, married after two. It'll be 34 years this summer.

nats2010 · 02/04/2024 23:02

Createausername1970 · 02/04/2024 21:20

I think you have to respect her decision - unless there is anything you know about the boyfriend that rings alarm bells.

if you genuinely feel it's going to go pear shaped, then the best thing you can do is be around to support your sister when it does, but she isn't going to confide in you if you have upset her at this point.

I agree with this OP. I get that you are probably coming from a place of concern given what she has previously gone through and likely having to be there to help support her through it.
However as others are saying, she is an adult and capable of making her own decisions.
All you can do is be there for her through the good and the bad. The joys of being a sister......you just want what's best for her however she has to live her own life. If things don't turn out the way she would like, well at least she should be able to turn to you for support at that time. It can be difficult to hold your tongue and concerns when you are afraid of things going pear shaped for her.
I hope you are able to take a step away from your heart feelings OP and be able to support her with her choices.
Try to be happy for her if this is something she wants. Hope you are OK.

SloaneStreetVandal · 02/04/2024 23:10

We were engaged after 6 months together, been married 21 years. My husband told his parents (I only found this out later) after a couple of weeks of seeing me that he'd met the girl he wanted to marry ❤️

lifeisawillow3 · 02/04/2024 23:11

I got out of a 6 year relationship and met Dh a few weeks later and got engaged after 5 months & now married (nearly 2 years together)

Frangipanyoul8r · 02/04/2024 23:21

If your sister’s BF is an arsehole that’s a separate valid concern to your unreasonable judgment on their engagement.

99victoria · 02/04/2024 23:25

My husband and I got engaged 3 months after we met and married 6 months later. We were married for 25 years, 3 fabulous children. Definitely no regrets

Femme2804 · 02/04/2024 23:29

I meet my husband in january 2013 and married in january 2014. Engaged to him just 4 months after we meet. Now we’ve been married for 10 years. Hardly any argument, very content and happy married.

meanwhile my friends been with his boyfriend for 8 years and the marriage only last 6 months.

so its no way to know. Its the person and maybe some luck and fate.

Penguinfeet24 · 02/04/2024 23:33

You'd think I was barking then 🤣 My husband moved in after three weeks, we were engaged within 10 months, had one child by year 3, another in year 4 and celebrated 11 years together this year. Married for just over 3 (kids took over!). Still very much in love. YABU.

Librarybooker · 02/04/2024 23:33

People who aren’t ‘exclusive’, who don’t go out with one person at a time - they are the problematic ones not those behaving like grown ups

KimberleyClark · 02/04/2024 23:36

DH proposed after four months of dating. We got married a year after that - 34 years ago.

IHateLegDay · 02/04/2024 23:42

2 years is pretty standard imo.
DH moved in together at 3 months.
Bought a house and were engaged at 1yr.
Married and pregnant at 2yrs.
Pregnant with 2nd at 3yrs.

Your sister is right, when you know, you know.

Concannon88 · 02/04/2024 23:44

@SleepyHollowed84 nah you want whats best for you, for her

Mathsbabe · 03/04/2024 00:25

Engaged after 3 weeks together and married after 8 months 44 years ago. My children are outraged.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/04/2024 00:30

I was 26… met my husband on X… he proposed X+365… we were married X+365+365. We’re celebrating our 20th next year.

You sound patronizing @SleepyHollowed84

Merryoldgoat · 03/04/2024 00:33

FFS

So the actual question is ‘AIBU not to want my sister to marry someone who puts her down and doesn’t respect her?’

Why people can’t give the relevant information in the OP is beyond me.

Growlybear83 · 03/04/2024 00:47

I think you're being very unreasonable. I knew within a month of meeting my husband that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Most of my friends who married their partners also knew quickly that they wanted to get married. Two years seems like a very long time.

Kitkatcatflap · 03/04/2024 04:58

December 23 after a big break up perhaps but December 22 - perfectly okay.

Your update shows your real concerns. Have you spoken to your sister about the fact he belittles her? Is it worse in private? Say it makes you feel uncomfortable and you worry that it will get worse in the future.

Ineffable23 · 03/04/2024 05:07

I put YABU about the timeline but having seen your update if your AIBU is "AIBU to not want my sister to marry someone who belittles her intelligence?" the answer is YANBU.

Glittertwins · 03/04/2024 05:17

We did the same only we got married after being together for two years. We're still married after over 20 years.

LolaSmiles · 03/04/2024 05:31

From your update I wonder if the real concern isn't 2 years to discuss engagement, but that with a small gap from a big break up, she's settled with a man she met online who is immature and puts her down.

PrincessOfPreschool · 03/04/2024 05:47

YABU on length of time. I met DH in Nov '02 and we got married Oct' 03. Been married 20 years now. It's not all been plain sailing, I doubt anyone's marriage is - but he's a basically good guy (I'm not perfect either!). If this guy isn't a good guy, there's more at stake but your sister needs to make her own decisions and live by them.

piscofrisco · 03/04/2024 06:39

We got engaged a week after our second anniversary and married a few months later. Ours was a lockdown relationship so maybe a bit fast forwarded due to that. But I am 44 and dh a bit older, and we just didn't want to waste time really-and we felt we knew what we wanted. All going well so far...

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