Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be beyond furious with my brother.

51 replies

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 13:11

I have posted about his situation before. Brief history, he's a single parent of 3 DC. Older two are 16+ younger is 11.

Police contacted me yesterday my brother is in custody and cannot be bailed home until youngest is removed from the house, could I take her. Arrest for assault on one of his many girlfriends. Not my DN

Of course I took her, but meant my own son had to go and stay at his dad's, to accommodate her. So I told SS only for one night.

He was released at 2pm. Made no contact with me until 9am this morning, has buggered off to work like he hasn't a care in the world today leaving me. Once again, dealing with his mess.

Now they are happy for DN to go back home, he's switched his phone off and I cannot arrange getting her back home,

I'm so fed up of having to put my life on hold when this happens, it happens often, but SS are happy he is meeting her basic needs. (!)

He has had no thought about whether I needed to be in work today. No thought about my kids, but he's carried on as normal.

I am going NC once DN is back with her father

OP posts:

coastingcoffee · 02/04/2024 13:19

YANBU to be furious with your brother but there is an 11 year old girl involved who needs love and support. When you go NC, who can make sure she is safe? She is your family and this sounds like a very serious situation. I feel so upset for this girl.

Original poster

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 13:32

This situation has gone on for many years. I've taken his children in multiple times. At the detriment of my own DC. I can't go to work tonight because of this latest situations I've had to send my son to his dads so she has somewhere to sleep, he wants to come home.

Social services are involved they should be making sure she's safe, I was under the impression last night that today they would find a foster home for her. Instead they are sending her home

OP posts:

Aliceal · 02/04/2024 13:35

Poor child. Must be awful having a father like that.

Where’s her mother in all of this?

Is there anyone else who could take her in in the family, rather than the poor kid be put in foster care.

sunnyday98 · 02/04/2024 13:36

I don't know what the answer is but I feel very sorry for the your niece.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 02/04/2024 13:37

I feel for you OP, he's a shit father and I feel for your DN too. I would like to say I am surprised SS are sending her home but I am not, there is a huge, huge shortage of foster carers across the country.

Ladyj84 · 02/04/2024 13:41

Feel heart sorry for your niece, been in a similar but with 3 little ones to look after but hey we just squeeze altogether with my lot until there mum got custody recently. Nothing on this earth would have made me give them back to a violent dad and luckily a judge saw that recently and he is now banned contact. Love my niece and nephews to bits and would do anything to keep them safe.

Rainrainrainrainrainrainrain · 02/04/2024 13:42

Why does your son have to go to his dad's when she's staying? couldn't she sleep in your room/ on airbed in living area until SS have sorted out foster carers?

Mummame2222 · 02/04/2024 13:42

This is on SS, not OP.

alcoholnightmare · 02/04/2024 13:44

I wonder if SS won't step in and find a foster home the whole time you keep saying yes? Which I understand why you do, and think you sound brilliant for doing so

Original poster

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 13:49

I have no room. My own children have special needs. They are teenagers. All who need and deserve their own privacy.

There is no room for a blow up bed in my room with me and my partner. I also work night shifts so would have zero child care for her when I go back to work tomorrow. Meaning I would probably lose my job, and thus my own DC suffering even more.

Why is it on me? She knows how to get in contact with me when she needs to, as do my DN's I have stepped in MANY MANY times but social services always just close the case.

OP posts:

Original poster

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 13:51

Aliceal · 02/04/2024 13:35

Poor child. Must be awful having a father like that.

Where’s her mother in all of this?

Is there anyone else who could take her in in the family, rather than the poor kid be put in foster care.

They were taken off their mother 10 years ago, she now has another baby and has moved on it seems and has no interest in building bridges with the 3 children she has here

OP posts:

CranfordScones · 02/04/2024 13:54

It's really tough. You sound like the only functioning adult in DN's world. Perhaps a spell in a good foster placement would enable her to see more of that.

I don't know why so many men are oblivious to the effects of their actions. I don't have an answer but you sound great...

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 02/04/2024 14:00

I'd ring social services and tell them to come collect DN as her dad has adonbaned her.

DeedlessIndeed · 02/04/2024 14:03

YANBU OP,

You have to make sure that the basic needs of your family are met before you can help anyone else.

What about wider family? Grandparents or aunts? Grandparents on neices mum's side? The most important thing is your niece's wellbeing but the load of support needs to be spread for it to be sustainable.

NorfolkEnchantsIsThere · 02/04/2024 14:06

I think you need to get tough with SS OP and tell them you're out. It may sound harsh and it's not going to benefit your DN but as you say, your own kids are suffering and SS will not attempt to place her somewhere more settled while they know you'll step in every time. It's saving them the work of actually placing her so you need to tell them it's not happening again. Your DN deserves a more settled life and SS are the ones who need to find it for her instead of expecting you to put your life on hold every time your brother fucks up.

But while you're accepting having your neice every time, they know they don't need to do the work themselves.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 02/04/2024 14:06

OP it really is not on you.

You need to make it clear to SS that you cannot take DN in anymore, and that she needs to be a LAC in the care of either foster parents or a children's home.

You can still maintain a loving Auntie/ Niece relationship, but you are not and cannot be held responsible for her care.

Please request a meeting with her SW and get this discussed, confirmed and on file.

Good luck.

iLovee · 02/04/2024 14:09

What a horrible situation for all of you. I am so sorry.

You did the right thing last night sending your son to stay at his dads so she had somewhere to go, but its not sustainable in the long run and might start to damage your relationship with your children if they continue to perceive you dropping everything for your neice - even though thats exactly what the poor girl needs. It must feel like you can't win at the moment ♥️

I really feel for you OP, I'm so sorry x

Farmwifefarmlife · 02/04/2024 14:13

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 13:51

They were taken off their mother 10 years ago, she now has another baby and has moved on it seems and has no interest in building bridges with the 3 children she has here

Show quote history

That’s awful that poor girl.

Tempnamechng · 02/04/2024 14:17

Horrible situation, but having had family go through similar, I've learned that you have to be a little selfish to force the change that's needed. Next time else you must say no, otherwise he will follow the same pattern. SS aren't looking at what the impact is on your home, your dc, your job, they are just using you as a quick fix. If you refused to take her then he would have needed to spend another night in jail (sucks for him) but his dd wouldn't have been moved out and your dc wouldn't have had to move out to make room.

Pheeeeebs · 02/04/2024 14:19

could you take her in? Ask for financial help with her. I get it you’re stretched but sending her foster care .. I just couldn’t.
I thought local authorities would agree to support for families that wanted to help but can’t financially afford to.

Original poster

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 14:31

Pheeeeebs · 02/04/2024 14:19

I have taken her in, and my nephews and got zero financial help, SS wouldn't even help me get beds for them when I lived in a slightly bigger house, once they were with me I never heard much from SS until it was time for them to go back home.

I cannot take her in and give up my job. My own DC would suffer horribly and I haven't worked my backside off to get my specialist career to be able to give my children a decent life to just give it up because my brother won't sort his shit out. I feel god awful for my niece. I do, and she knows I'm just a phone call away, she has her own phone.

I don't have the room to take her in. I really don't, we downsized for a few reasons

OP posts:

KreedKafer · 02/04/2024 14:34

People saying 'You're family, you need to take her in' are being ridiculous.

The OP says in her post that she had to send her own son away for the night to stay with his father in order to accommodate the niece. Clearly there is not space in the OP's home for another child, especially an 11-year-old of the opposite sex to her own children who obviously can't share a room with them.

It would also be a lot better for the 11-year-old to be placed with an experienced foster family who can a) provide her with her own room than for her to be kipping on a relative's sofa and b) have formal arrangements and financial allowances in place with social services.

OP, the reason social services keep closing the case is because they think you'll always be there to step in. You need to make it clear to them that while you love your niece and will always support her and be in contact with her, you will not be able to act in loco parentis for her again.

I would also have nothing to do with your brother again, ever. His children are old enough for you to keep in touch with them without his involvement.

MiltonNorthern · 02/04/2024 14:45

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 02/04/2024 14:00

I'd ring social services and tell them to come collect DN as her dad has adonbaned her.

It doesn't work like that. The child is safe with her aunt. Social services won't collect her if they have nowhere to take her. Foster placements for teens just don't exist these days. They won't have anywhere for her to go.

Tempnamechng · 02/04/2024 14:47

Pheeeeebs · 02/04/2024 14:19

It doesn't work. A friend of mine took on her teenage neice and nephew on credit cards. Another one, a family member, applied to be a Foster carer for her gc as she couldn't afford to give up work, but the best SS would offer was guardianship and basic Child Benefit. In some situations Foster Care is the only option as at least the kids are away from the toxic parents and are given stability.

NowYouSee · 02/04/2024 14:51

I remember some of your previous posts. Your brother is a complete dick and being judged by society far less harshly than a woman would be.

Yes you’ve got to get her home but once you have I would agree with being very clear with your brother and SS that this was the last time you are taking your neice, you cannot and you will not be taking her again. Then you have to hold firm when they try.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread