Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be beyond furious with my brother.

51 replies

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 13:11

I have posted about his situation before. Brief history, he's a single parent of 3 DC. Older two are 16+ younger is 11.

Police contacted me yesterday my brother is in custody and cannot be bailed home until youngest is removed from the house, could I take her. Arrest for assault on one of his many girlfriends. Not my DN

Of course I took her, but meant my own son had to go and stay at his dad's, to accommodate her. So I told SS only for one night.

He was released at 2pm. Made no contact with me until 9am this morning, has buggered off to work like he hasn't a care in the world today leaving me. Once again, dealing with his mess.

Now they are happy for DN to go back home, he's switched his phone off and I cannot arrange getting her back home,

I'm so fed up of having to put my life on hold when this happens, it happens often, but SS are happy he is meeting her basic needs. (!)

He has had no thought about whether I needed to be in work today. No thought about my kids, but he's carried on as normal.

I am going NC once DN is back with her father

OP posts:
Kingoftheroad · 02/04/2024 15:18

That poor poor wee darling. I feel so sorry for her. Has anyone asked her what she would like to do ? She will be dreading going to a foster home.

looks like this is her only option.

Original poster
MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 15:50

Kingoftheroad · 02/04/2024 15:18

That poor poor wee darling. I feel so sorry for her. Has anyone asked her what she would like to do ? She will be dreading going to a foster home.

looks like this is her only option.

She wants to be with her mother. But her mother is failing to engage with our local SS

She is back home with her father now. SS have put her back on the register and will be going out once a week I'm told

OP posts:
Otherstories2002 · 02/04/2024 15:53

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 15:50

She wants to be with her mother. But her mother is failing to engage with our local SS

She is back home with her father now. SS have put her back on the register and will be going out once a week I'm told

Show quote history

Sadly the hideous shortage of foster carers means that if there’s an adult and a floor they leave them to it. It’s awful.

Alwaysalwayscold · 02/04/2024 16:12

This is heartbreaking, but I agree OP it's not fair for it to fall on you and by the sounds of it it's also not possible either.

Zyq · 02/04/2024 16:13

Tell SS that you are not able to take your niece again and that if problems crop up in future they will have to arrange foster care.

SillySeal · 02/04/2024 16:14

Unfortunately the threshold for removal is extremely high and if yoir brother is meeting her basic needs, and it is basic, then she will not be removed. Plus with the shortage of foster carers it's getting even more difficult.

However, if you could/ do take your DN then you are (if in England anyway) entitled to be paid at least the child element of fostering. Although that is not a wage but will cover basic costs and they can help purchase beds. However, I would get it all in writing prior to taking your niece in so they don't back track.

If you can't help then step back for your own sanity. You can only do so much without it impacting your own family too much.

Facetoothpain · 02/04/2024 16:21

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 13:49

I have no room. My own children have special needs. They are teenagers. All who need and deserve their own privacy.

There is no room for a blow up bed in my room with me and my partner. I also work night shifts so would have zero child care for her when I go back to work tomorrow. Meaning I would probably lose my job, and thus my own DC suffering even more.

Why is it on me? She knows how to get in contact with me when she needs to, as do my DN's I have stepped in MANY MANY times but social services always just close the case.

Incredibly sad situation all round by the sounds of it.

moreminieggsplease · 02/04/2024 18:10

It’s so easy for people to read your post and decide you must become the guardian of your niece but life just isn’t that simple.

Alltheparmesanplease · 02/04/2024 18:20

MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 13:32

This situation has gone on for many years. I've taken his children in multiple times. At the detriment of my own DC. I can't go to work tonight because of this latest situations I've had to send my son to his dads so she has somewhere to sleep, he wants to come home.

Social services are involved they should be making sure she's safe, I was under the impression last night that today they would find a foster home for her. Instead they are sending her home

Could you really see your niece being shipped off to foster care instead of taking her in?

I would move heaven and earth for my nieces and nephews to keep them out of the system, no matter how difficult it was for me.

Very sad situation for the poor child.

KomodoOhno · 02/04/2024 18:23

OPi just want to say I feel for you. No matter what you chose people will be hurt. Meanwhile your brother goes merrily on his way.

lto2019 · 02/04/2024 18:26

Wow this sounds hard on everyone apart from your idiot brother. Social services are stretched to breaking point and when there is a close blood relation who is an adult, 'willing' and able they will not do anything. They have much worse cases to deal with - which is not your responsibility.

It's probably a lot longer than you have said here but if the issue is he could not be bailed home until she was removed - then tough - he couldn't be bailed home. He should have been expected to go elsewhere. If they are happy for niece to go home now what has changed? Were they waiting for him to sober up or something?

Why were the nephews ok to stay - was it their age or because they were boys? If it was age - could they have not looked after her for one night?

Until you say no to having her - SS will continue to ask but I can see why it is so hard for you to do this but hard when you say yes.

Is there any way of getting a single chair bed that she could sleep on for the occasional night which would mean you don't have to disrupt your own children?

Has your brother been charged?

Original poster
MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 19:02

lto2019 · 02/04/2024 18:26

Wow this sounds hard on everyone apart from your idiot brother. Social services are stretched to breaking point and when there is a close blood relation who is an adult, 'willing' and able they will not do anything. They have much worse cases to deal with - which is not your responsibility.

It's probably a lot longer than you have said here but if the issue is he could not be bailed home until she was removed - then tough - he couldn't be bailed home. He should have been expected to go elsewhere. If they are happy for niece to go home now what has changed? Were they waiting for him to sober up or something?

Why were the nephews ok to stay - was it their age or because they were boys? If it was age - could they have not looked after her for one night?

Until you say no to having her - SS will continue to ask but I can see why it is so hard for you to do this but hard when you say yes.

Is there any way of getting a single chair bed that she could sleep on for the occasional night which would mean you don't have to disrupt your own children?

Has your brother been charged?

I have no idea if he's been charged

He trotted off to work this morning without a care in the world and left me to contact social services, I lost my shit with him, told him to stay the hell away from me and start putting that girl first!

Nephews are 19 and 16. Presumably they deemed them fit enough to stay home. But equally brother was arrested at 1am. They didn't contact me until after 2pm and she was there with the boys,

I told the social worker my concerns. I've text my niece to see if she's ok now she's home, she said she is, but "dad's gone out again" to his friends down the road.

I literally have no room for a put up bed, we inherited this house bedrooms are cramped with furniture in. We do plan on doing an extension in the next 4 years though!

Plus she's a well grown almost 12 year old, she needs her own space too bless her x

OP posts:
tryingtohelp82 · 02/04/2024 19:07

@Alltheparmesanplease What an awful post trying to make OP feel bad.

Original poster
MessyNeate · 02/04/2024 19:14

@Alltheparmesanplease

You really think I should move my own child out to accommodate his?really?

It would quite literally turn my children's lives upside down, they don't get on because they lived with us for a few years cramped together in a 3 bed house with 6 children and 3 adults.

I wouldn't be able to continue to my well paid job, thus id lose my car, be unable to pay my bills, before I met my dp I was a single parent for 10 years struggling. I got my DC out of an abusive home and built up our life from nothing, worked for years for my career, for their sake. I'm sorry but taking my DN in would un do all that and my own children would suffer..

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 02/04/2024 19:23

You don’t have to justify your actions OP, you didn’t harm anyone, you are putting your family first.

Yes it’s a difficult situation, but there are other choices. I’m sure she has other aunts and uncles etc

He can’t be that bothered if he’s gone out again.

TotteringonGently · 02/04/2024 20:19

No advice OP but just wanted to say what a wonderful person you sound, it sounds like you've done an incredibly job for your family and they have no right to expect more. I feel desperately sorry for your nice and nephews but totally see why you can't do it anymore. I hope that SS step up and they get some stability x

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 02/04/2024 21:40

You brother is a failure. I hope he burns.

NaiceUser · 02/04/2024 22:34

You sound pretty cold OP. Poor kid. All the adults in her life essentially arguing about not wanting her.

Original poster
MessyNeate · 03/04/2024 10:06

NaiceUser · 02/04/2024 22:34

You sound pretty cold OP. Poor kid. All the adults in her life essentially arguing about not wanting her.

Cold?

I've taken his children in MULTIPLE times. Over the span of 10 years including having them all living with me for 18 months where I struggled financially to support all of them.

I love my niece. It's my brother I'm furious with. Read the full thread.

OP posts:
rollerskatie · 03/04/2024 10:10

I would do anything to stop a child in my family from going into foster care. You should look into kinship care support.

DeedlessIndeed · 04/04/2024 15:19

Just wanted to say OP that it's all very well and good saying that you'd do anything to stop a family member's child go into care.
But in reality, those posters would never disrupt their own children's lives.

I would go as far to say that those posters are probably not genuine and are just seeking a reaction.

Anyway, thinking of you. You are in no way cold. You've made tough decisions after supporting DBs children for years.

Notquitegrownup2 · 04/04/2024 16:06

You aren't selfish. You were there for your DN when she needed you last night, but you have to look after your own dcs too. She knows that you care about her and you are someone she can text and be honest with. Keep on texting her and dont let SS push your children out. You have to look after yourself - your oxygen mask first - to continue to be able to support her.

And YANBU to be furious with your brother, but you won't change him. Distance yourself from him and look after yourself, your dcs and your DN.

Original poster
MessyNeate · 04/04/2024 18:16

Thank you all for the helpful responses. And the not so helpful, I think it's near on impossible to say you'd take her in in a heartbeat if it was your DN. until you're in the position you have to put your own DC's first,

When I first took them in my own children watched the aftermath of her mother attacking my car, me, my ex husband. My house, they lived through it all. My DB has also turned on me once before for refusing to allow my 15 year old to look after his daughter overnight. So with regards to this situation my DC have been through enough, and I know DN is. And I am and will text her daily and she knows I'm only down the road too (walkable) as do my nephews. I won't ever cut them off. But I will not be reaching out to my brother. He hasn't even sent a text to thank me for sorting his shit out or taking DN in.

OP posts:
iLovee · 04/04/2024 18:38

You sound like a wonderful mum and aunty. Your family are lucky to have you ♥️ I think having a stable adult that your neice knows she can always rely on is the most important thing for her - and she is very lucky it's you!

I hope someone is taking care of you, too! Sounds like you've all been through a hell of a lot.

Original poster
MessyNeate · 05/04/2024 23:28

iLovee · 04/04/2024 18:38

You sound like a wonderful mum and aunty. Your family are lucky to have you ♥️ I think having a stable adult that your neice knows she can always rely on is the most important thing for her - and she is very lucky it's you!

I hope someone is taking care of you, too! Sounds like you've all been through a hell of a lot.

Thank you @iLovee

My brother had tried to call me continuously today, I have no wish to speak to him, I have text my neice. She's ok. She knows she can always reach out to me if she needs to. I just worry he will use that to get to me one day x

OP posts: