To wonder how you stop worrying and manage to live your own life if you have mentally unwell children

[Victor1aPlum]

Or are you doomed to a life of constant unsettled worry, sadness and anxiety in the back of your mind?

This is how l feel. But l can’t stop her because she needs to do it.

Yes I want to shout, ‘leave me alone and stop texting me’ but how can I shut off her one comfort? I repeatedly ask her if texting me makes her feel better, and she says it really does. I say that her texts make me feel dreadful but she can continue if it helps her.

I find it odd that she doesn’t try and stop as she claims that she loves me most in the world etc but is still ruining my life. I think that’s her emotional immaturity and the ‘selfishness’ of teens showing.

I hate waking up to ten missed texts when she is at uni.

@HowardBishop i hear you. And your friend is right but it’s very much harder to do than to say!

I do think it’s about protecting oneself but that is a thread in itself, isn’t it: my child hurts so somehow I feel I must, they can’t help themselves so I too must not help myself? Is there something about us parents deserving to be ok?

It is unbearably isolating and overwhelming. The shocking state of support services is terrifying when you're faced with a very unwell child. I found this book www.amazon.co.uk/Never-Let-Go-Through-Illness/dp/1785043315
and Suzanne Alderson's associated course, website and Facebook group an absolute lifesaver when I was at a point where I was struggling to fu croon and my mental health was taking a real battering. We are in a better place now, things can change.

When I was about 13 my mh issues started, and my God it was bad for about 8 years, suicide attempts the lot. My mum died when I was 21 and I feel awful now because it forced me to get proper help and dig myself out of the hole I was in. Ten years on I do still suffer with depression but I have a nice little house, good job, a child of my own and I'm a great mum. I wish mum could see now that I'm doing okay because I can't imagine what she went through. Things can change op, teens and 20s are usually worse for mental health problems I think, it doesn't necessarily mean it will be like this forever. Now I have my own child I pray every day he doesn't suffer like I did.

Yes I want to shout, ‘leave me alone and stop texting me’ but how can I shut off her one comfort? I repeatedly ask her if texting me makes her feel better, and she says it really does. I say that her texts make me feel dreadful but she can continue if it helps her.

is it the sending of the texts that helps your DD or her knowing that you’re going to help her with whatever they contain.

if it’s the former could you redirect them on your phone so that you don’t see them.

This is exactly how it is with me. One of my 2 uses me as a sounding board with his anxiety and ptsd. I dead the sound of his footsteps sometimes which is awful. But I dread how I am going to be dragged out of my place of calm and back into the worry. I think he has made progress and then he hits me with such negativity about his state. My other one tells me nothing. I don’t know how bad it is until she is in crisis again. I don’t know which is worse. I guess mental ill health doesn’t have a happy medium. It is useful to hear that others have this dread as you feel so guilty.

I didn't manage it very well is the truth. Dd2 got badly assaulted and what followed was six months of (very understandable)poor mental health followed by two suicide attempts and then another year of treatment. She is, thankfully, coming back to herself now. In that time I took two weeks off work initially. Then tried to go back but was off every three days either with her, or had to leave as she had walked it off school or had an appointment or a hospital stay. I couldn't focus or commit to anything and I wasn't doing my job well or supporting her well in the end. I left after about ) months and had nearly a year at home with her-doing a bit of Dog walking and cleaning to keep at least a bit of money coming in.
I faced some opposition to this-notably from exh who I think felt guilty in some way that I had taken the time out of work when he wouldn't have been prepared to-and kept saying she was fine to be left on her own during the day etc-when she clearly wasn't-even if she had a few weeks at a time when she was ok and without incident there was still the high risk she wouldn't be ok if left alone and I wasn't prepared to risk it. Dd Herself would say she didn't need me at home and actively resented it at times as she didn't want to be babied. But as she was a very unstable, 15-16 year old at the time and couldn't be trusted not to drink/do dangerous things/self sabotage or harm when alone I didn't let her opinion sway me much.

My mental Health was pretty awful during this time but it was much better when I wasn't also trying to juggle supporting dd and work. I was very poor however.

I've just gone back to work FT now. Dd is much better and touch wood doing well, back in school, healthy. I don't 100% trust it-the fear for her will always be there- but I have to have faith at some point. And I also have to pay the mortgage.

It's a horrible situation and I feel for you op and everyone else trying to support a mentally unwell child and also work

Thankyou. This is what gives me hope. I’m told by so many services that the brain is still developing until 25 and young people struggling with poor mental health can make huge progress as they get older. So many people and therapists have told me this that it must have an element of truth in it. I also think that having struggles so young must give you more strength for later ie we all have our struggles at some point in life, some of us just have them younger and the knowledge you gain most help you further down the line. No idea if that is true but I find if helpful to hold on to.

Completely understand these feelings op. My heart is breaking with stress and worry. I’m on high alert for a phone call or message that if I don’t answer I stress will lead to something awful happening. I live each day in fear of the police knocking at my door with terrible news.
I am, along with DH, trying to be supportive and give advice, but, they sometimes don’t like our advice . We’ve explained we are not trained professionals and are doing our best.
I have aged about 10 years and I have a heaviness in my heart and head I can’t shake off. I function day to day and to the world everything seems ok but I’m crumbling inside. A couple of times things were so bad I self-harmed and I’m feeling on the edge of doing it again. I don’t care about me I just want my child to be happy and do the happy normal things other children do

Sorry my post was a bit managing work and child focussed.... with re the rest of life-I struggled to socialise. Both practically as I couldn't leave her and because I jsut felt so burned out by it all-I didn't have the energy. Plus friends wanted to be supportive which was lovely but I felt alienated from them as how could they possibly have got it-though they did try hard. I stated to resent them and their happy normal kids in a weird sort of way. I know that's wrong but that's honestly how I felt.
Again I'm back to picking up those friendships now-though some of them will never be the same again-which is more on me than them of course.

I just wish we could go back to when they were little. The toddler years were so easy in comparison and I also wish if I could go back to spot the signs earlier and to do things differently. I blame myself and I don’t even know what for

Yes me too! I’ve been told by so many therapists and services thought that it wasn’t my fault but I still go over everything. I keep coming back to the fact that I tried my absolute best throughout.I’m not sure given how hard I tried that I could do anything different even if I had hindsight at the time. Important to remember.

💐💐💐
it’s easy to say but I feel so guilty and I look back and I’m not even sure what could’ve done differently - are some people ‘born’ with a propensity to MH issues? I just don’t know. Our other dc are absolutely fine and happy - I cant be such a crap parent

Yes, in my experience so far! It's awful isn't it 😕

I sometimes feel like my eldest child (DD34) hates me. She recently lost a temp job which was doing wonders for her MH and is back to watching tv and doomscrolling all day and night. When I suggested that she tried again with another job she snapped at me and said that I was an aggressive problem solver. She has been in therapy for over a year which I pay for (happily as I think it has worked wonders). She moved home after developing an eating disorder during an awful relationship where her ex was controlling and volatile (lots of screaming rows). Like many of you, I'm exhausted from the stress and anxiety of being a sounding board/stress dump. I'm naturally optimistic but I worry about her always.

my Middle (asd) child has come through the other side. Learning to talk to therapists was a huge step forward, enabling him to express himself with words and get his needs met.

I do feel I have to be extra resilient for my kids and role model good well-being. I have some low points when I feel we are struggling to take steps forward and life is very wearing. By nature I’m quite upbeat and try to live day by day, determined to remain optimistic. Exercise and friends help with this hugely. The saying about being as happy as your unhappiest child is a strange one which I challenge as much as possible.

You know, I think it is the sending them. I have considered replying just once or twice a day. But would need to harden up to do that.

She sends them sometimes in the middle of the night when she knows I won’t see them so clearly the act of sending is therapeutic for her..

Middle of the night texts.

I get these. They’re awful

It’s not your fault. Any of it: and if someone olin your position told you they thought it was their fault, you would tell them that it really isn’t. But it’s another thing that you have to know in both your head and your heart. (That’s where for me therapy helped).

One does one’s best and makes the best decision one can on the information then available. No one can ask (or expect) more than that.