Some mums enable their sons poor behaviour

[theprincessthepea]

I had my first daughter with my “childhood sweetheart” who ended up becoming a terrible adult and so we broke up when my daughter was young. He hasn’t seen his child for over 5 years now but I am still in contact with his mum who lives abroad.

As I’ve gotten to know her, I’ve realised her attitude is very much “boys will be boys”, “us women will always carry the burden of childcare and we should be grateful for the little men contribute” and “at least he cares about his daughter and is trying in his own way.” (E.g. a text once a month!!!!)- she tells me these things. Whenever he had stepped out of line in our relationship she usually laughed it off.

Her son has gone awol apparently and she is trying to convince me to “motivate him again”. He is in his early 30s - he should have grown up by now - but I believe his mum has enabled so much of his lazy behaviours.

I think about my current partner who shares the household load. He is close to his mum, she also taught him how to cook and he has an element of respect for his mums time and opinion. Complete opposite to my ex.

A friend of mine recently complained about her husband - they’ve had their 3rd child and he feels like he can “do what he wants” and when he goes to his mum she takes his side and treats him like a big kid (cooks for him, has the boys will be boys attitude etc).

AIBU to think that mums carrying this attitude plays a big role with enabling some of their sons negative behaviour. I feel like my exes mum enables him and I’m tired of her excuses for her son.

No, women aren’t responsible for the behaviour of adult men.

Completely agree about that attitude. It’s a terrible attitude and rarely ends well. The boys will be boys phrase also grates massively on me, it’s a tool for minimisation and dismissal. Why do you have to motivate your ex? Plus care for his child with little assistance from him?!

Some do, some don’t. My DH had a terrible upbringing (alcoholic DF, some DV in the house), he is kind, gentle and loving. He went the opposite way.

Some people have parents like I did; never allowed to do anything: cook/iron/use washing machine/get a job; “you’ll waste ingredients we can’t afford/someone might kidnap/rape/murder you/its easier and quicker to do it my bloody self”. who then acted angrily when I became an adult and didn’t know how to do anything….

parents and society at large often excuse boys/men. Not long after the sarah everard murder, people were talking about it on social media and I noticed that many parents of sons were coming on to say NAMALT and not even acknowledging that there's a serious problem with male pattern
violence.

Don't blame women for men's problems.

Everything is the fault of women. Absolutely everything 🤔

I hate that women get the blame for mens behaviour.

So your ex's dad is a fully involved 50:50 type partner to his mum is he? He doesn't share your ex's mum's views that boys will be boys? Throughout his childhood his dad modelled good, supportive, equal parenting did he? But his mum insists that 'boys will be boys' and you should shoulder the burden for your ex? How strange!

I think any blame on parents depends entirely on how they parented.

My ex is a dickhead, but he absolutely was not brought up like that. His siblings are responsible, kind and respectful. He wasn’t brought up differently. His mother is horrified by him and has told him so multiple times.

My cousin’s son is a horror at 13. He’s going to be a horror at 23, 33 and 53 and her stance that he can do no wrong and he is the most important person in the world in all and any situation is absolutely part of the issue.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment that women aren't responsible.for men's behaviours; parents are responsible for giving their children the blueprint that will form the basis of their future thinking.

If someone has grown up with a set of core beliefs, whatever those are, they will act accordingly. If those are never challenged, they will see them as right, natural and normal. It won't even occur to them that they could be different, let alone whether they should be.

Eg look at all the threads in here from women who proudly claim to be 'people pleasers'. And no amount of other posters pointing that out to them will make them see. They just see themselves as 'nicer', or more compassionate or having a better moral compass than others. They believe they are doing the right, proper and normal thing.

That is behaviour and an attitude that is equally learnt in childhood.

Hey, if we are going to blame parents then I would say the biggest factor in how boys grow up is their male role models.

So what was his dad like?

I've seen a lot more dads not only enable but encourage their sons' poor behaviour.

Grown arsed men have brains and know what’s right from wrong and how to behave properly and how to treat people. No matter what their mum did or didn’t teach them.

Doesn’t matter what their upbringing was like and whether they cooked and cleaned when they were 13. How they behave when they are 33 is not their mum’s fault. Men have had a lot of time to grow up since they were adolescents and we shouldn’t be using their childhood as a way to minimise their failure to take some god damn responsibility for themselves.

YANBU but I don't think itll be a popular view on MN.

I've seen it all my life - my own brothers, male relatives, my DCs in Uni residence halls abd houseshares where the boys could not cook a single thing so either wasted money on takeaways, or tried to ask the girls to cook for them or show them how to cook.

I recall chatting to a friend years ago, who said his mum raised him as a 'Mini-God'. The only boy, with 4 sisters. No housework, all the latest clothing he wanted, could go out & about mostly as he pleased. Meanwhile his sisters had to do chores, and had rules around going out etc. He massively regrets it now as his sisters have grown up with a close bond, which he isn't part of at all.

Whilst I agree too many Mums bring their sons up as little princes (but won't admit it), Dads who are present are also to blame because they're just as capable of teaching their sons life skills. Mind you thats if they've not been 'raised' in the same way as their sons I suppose.

'Boys will be boys' makes me roll my eyes. I don’t care - a man who can't cook and doesn't have basic life skills = I'd not have gone there in the 1st place, I just don't have the mental and physical capacity to take on a burdensome man. Just carry on with what you're doing OP and let her words go over your head.

If the parents of a child do not instil basic respect and manners into them towards people of either sex and excuse their poor behaviour and treatment towards people then they will constantly treat people badly. You get the odd exception to the rule but as children learn behaviour from their role models then I think we can generally accept this. The first and biggest role models are your parents so I don’t think this is too much of a stretch. I think this is why there’s so many issues with children in schools because the parents don’t care enough to correct their bad behaviour or discipline and when there is no negative consequence at home, of course the children wont think twice about misbehaving at school. If the mother is the sole parent in the household then yes, if he’s bought up with little boundaries or respect for women then imo it’s 100% her fault. Whose else’s fault can it be? If there’s a two parent family then they are equally as responsible. In your experience and many others on here it’s the mothers that are enabling this sort of behaviour. I wouldn’t tolerate my son treating anyone especially the mother of his child(ren) like this in a month of Sundays.

Eg look at all the threads in here from women who proudly claim to be 'people pleasers'.

I think that’s one of the biggest parenting fails around. I include myself in that, my two eldest saw me trying to please everyone for two long before I changed my habits. One is now a people pleaser and it breaks my heart.

I know, thought everyone knew this by now🤨

OK it was a long time ago but when I got married my MiL told me I'd have to lay out all his clothes for him the night before as he'd have no idea what to wear. Not my job - if he goes to work looking a mess that's not my problem.
Also that I'd HAVE to buy all his clothes from M and S because they were the only place that sold his size - they weren't but it was the only shop she thought suitable to go to.

She had never worked and just ran after her 3 sons her entire life.

I absolutely agree that it’s on both parents how their children turn out, so your ex’s dad is equally to blame for him being a feckless twat. But, obviously previous generations did leave most of the child-rearing to women, and there is a stereotype that boys/men had more excuses made for them simply for being male. And as a flip to this, girls were raised with the expectation to be nice/kind/make up for all areas that boys lack. It’s a piss poor attitude that thankfully seems to be changing. Women of every generation seem to be more inclined to dump the men who think that they don’t have to be equal partners in the home, but as his mum she’s blinded to why no one can fix or put up with her precious little angel.

This. He has been an adult for 12 years or more and it is still the mothers fault!

You do realise in the described scenario the mother probably had little say as the husband ruled the roost?

This drives me nuts it is always laid at the feet of women,.

Her attitude may annoy you but it isn’t now directly responsible for what he does as a grown man. Any more than you’re responsible for his actions because you chose to have a child with him 🤷🏼‍♀️

That’s just as offensive as if I were to say to you, it’s your fault your ex was a terrible adult, you were his partner and as a woman you should have been able to fix him.
Not nice when you put it that way is it?
i agree with PP’s where was his dad in all this, surely he’s equally at fault if we are playing the blame game.

Not some mums. Some parents.

Both sexes are guilty of modeling 'wife work' as the norm in a family and it simply perpetuates the problem to the next generation.

Who writes the cards?
Who buys the presents?
Who sorts family get togethers?
Who chooses the weekly food?
Who starts the ball rolling for getting xmas sorted?
Who does the lion's share of the cleaning of the house?
Who has the time off when the kids get ill?

I recon that in most households it's still mostly the woman. And in those households where that is true, even though everyone is probably quite happy, there will be boys growing up and learning that is the natural order.

When it comes to excusing boisterous or unpleasant behaviour specifically in male children - it's really common - and again both parents are equally to blame.

YANBU and I think those who protest too much are probably guilty of it.

I'm a mum of a son and I am baffled by how many women here run around after their older and adult children. Yes, daughters as well, but it's worse doing it for the sons as they get used to women "looking after" them.

My friend is like a skivvy to her husband. Went straight from family home to marriage early 20s. Her identity is being a mum and housewife. She does everything for him and her 20 year old son. Her son treats her just as her husband does- she's there to cook and clean and keep them supplied with coffees. If I get her out for lunch she has to make them lunch before she leaves (they both WFH) or rush back to do it. They can't even take care of her dog when she went to stay with her mother for three days after her father died - came home to wee and poo in the house, which of course they 'didn't notice' and certainly didn't clean up!
So will her son be the same to his wife? Of course he can think and hopefully realise that women are not slaves. But she certainly hasn't made it easy for whomever he does end up with.