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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fiancés ex girlfriend won’t stop calling

46 replies

Quickrunner91 · 01/04/2024 00:10

Before my fiancé met me , he had a female friend, who he says he wasn’t in a relationship with and never had feelings for. However, they lived togethor, were intimate, travelled together.

My fiance told me that this woman wasn’t very nice in the relationship. She was very controlling and jealous. He moved out of her place after a few months when she was abroad. When she came back, she came round to his new place and refused to leave. He called the police and they warned her to never come round to his place again.

He tells me that every few weeks she calls him, although the frequency is decreasing. She has told him that she just wants to be friends. He told me he’s told her he doesn’t want to be friends with her and was being harsh with her when she calls.

The last time she called him was around a month ago. He had changed his number a fortnight or so before this and apparently she found the new number as they were on a mutual group chat. He told me she was saying the same thing about wanting to be friends, that it’s nice if they can give eachother help/ advice etc.

He told me that he won’t block her as if he does she will try to contact him on an unknown number. He told me to trust him and let her just call every few weeks and she’ll call less and less.

This situation does me make a little uncomfortable and I can’t deny I have envisaged her turning up at the door one day, trying to stalk me etc.

I suppose I just wanted to get this off my chest. Should I just leave this to my fiancé or tell her I’d rather he block her even if she’ll call him on unknown numbers?

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 01/04/2024 00:26

he says he wasn’t in a relationship with and never had feelings for. However, they lived togethor, were intimate,

😳

Based on the rest of your post as well as the part above - you seem to have a liar for a fiancee.

Stressyfab · 01/04/2024 00:36

Oh he’s playing you like a fiddle

mindthespace · 01/04/2024 00:38

He's lying to you.

Whentheboatcomein · 01/04/2024 00:39

He’s lying. It’s always a “crazy” ex.

Mama2many73 · 01/04/2024 00:41

They luved together, were intimate and went travelling with each other (holidays?).
In whose world is that NOT a relationship?

She has continued to maintain contact but he says it will get less. How long has it been since they split up? Long enough for you and him to meet, start a relationship, get serious, and get engaged and still she's contacting him? If that's true then it ain't gonna stop, but I'm afraid I'm with @LittleGreenDragons and think the fiancé's behaviour is more than questionable! Think he likes her around.

Northernsouloldies · 01/04/2024 00:41

Intimate,lived together, travelled together... but no relationship
He's full of shit.

Saintmariesleuth · 01/04/2024 00:46

OP, your fiancé's version of events here just don't make sense

If he didn't want to speak her, he wouldn't be accepting her phone calls for a start and would block her. I also think he is at best glossing over the true nature of his previous relationship with this woman

Even if nothing shady is happening, he has the spine of a wet noodle and can't handle this in a grown up manner. I'd be concerned how he would handle difficult situations once you are a married couple (my suspicion is not well)

I'd be putting a hold on the wedding plans for now

SandyY2K · 01/04/2024 02:11

he says he wasn’t in a relationship with and never had feelings for. However, they lived togethor, were intimate, travelled together.

How is this NOT a relationship?

You live with someone.
You're intimate with them.
You travel/ go on holidays and he says it's not a relationship?

Do you think you're in a relationship with him?

I think there's more to what he's telling you.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 01/04/2024 02:41

Does she know they split up and he's engaged to you? Is he telling someone else he's not in a relationship with you? He sounds dodgy as hell.

WandaWonder · 01/04/2024 03:19

There is a scam thread maybe read it and learn something

YoureALizardHarry11 · 01/04/2024 04:52

He sounds like a right knobhead, get rid. He’s played the two of you by the sounds of it.

Grumpetsky · 01/04/2024 05:00

He lived with her, had sex with her and travelled with her, but they weren’t in a relationship? Does she know that?

fearfulexchange · 01/04/2024 06:30

You are being fooled.
Why would he have gone to the trouble of changing his number knowing they were on group chats.
That's a lot of life shared for someone he didnt have feelings for.
I always find it sad when women buy into the crazy ex story.

skippy2024 · 01/04/2024 06:39

Blocking her means she can't get through so what does that matter.
He can do so.
If she calls him on a new number, hang up.
We choose to be available unless there is a need to contactable besides being concerned she could become unhinged let it play out or tell him to get rid of her on the phone.
How long have you both been together?

Mydahliasareshit · 01/04/2024 06:45

Did this chap propose very quickly to you, OP?

hornsofahugedilemma · 01/04/2024 06:59

Don't be so gullible OP. I'd bet a tidy sum he's still seeing her.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 01/04/2024 07:01

Isn’t that what the block button is for!? Sounds to me like he isn’t ready to actually cut her out if he keeps taking her calls.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/04/2024 07:05

He’s a lying scumbag who has left his girlfriend while she was away and got with someone else. You’ve got yourself a catch there!

AdultFemaleWoman · 01/04/2024 08:22

Ewugh

Itsonlymashadow · 01/04/2024 08:29

Did you by chance get in a relationship very quickly, moved in together very quickly and got engaged very quickly?

Did he move in with you? It’s obvious he was lying about their relationship. It was a relationship and he disappeared while she was away. The fact that he is lying about that would make me very distrustful

Itsonlymashadow · 01/04/2024 08:35

I know it’s not the done thing but your AS shows this so a ridiculous relationship. I can’t believe you would even contemplate marrying him.

Its sounds incredibly toxic. Possibly from both sides.

He also appears to have a history of being involved with women who ‘aren’t very nice’ and will cause him problems. That’s a massive red flag

porridgecake · 01/04/2024 08:44

Run.

LastSeenInSanFrancisco · 01/04/2024 08:46

He traumatised and did things to that woman's psyche that made her this way. She's not 'crazy', she's an abuse victim. Leave him, men like this will never make any woman happy.

whatsitcalledwhen · 01/04/2024 08:55

I remember your username and have to say, any relationship you have at least ten (literally!) threads about is not a healthy one.

You don't trust him, he asks you to lie, you constantly feel insecure, his relationships / dynamics with other women are strange at best...

Mate, you'd be mad to marry this man.

All relationships have their ups and downs over time. Healthy ones don't require this much stress, confusion and anxiety. Or this many Mumsnet threads.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your one, precious life feeling anxious and stressed about your partner's behaviour?

Minfilia · 01/04/2024 09:03

He isn’t necessarily lying about it being a FWB type situation where she thought more to their relationship than he did.

But he clearly likes the attention and/or I suspect he is keeping her in the wings in case things don’t work out with you…