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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not buy in-laws presents anymore?

48 replies

LimeReader · 31/03/2024 22:29

Would appreciate advice- and aware I’m probably just annoyed! I buy my ML and FL presents for their birthdays, Christmas, mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They never ever say thank you! They seem expectant of them. I put time and thought into getting them nice things- they also like stuff as they are hoarders! I don’t like stuff so would prefer wine or chocolates but they love stuff!

Examples are- I gave the ML her birthday present a few weeks early as we weren’t seeing her on her birthday. We then ended up staying at their house on her birthday - went downstairs and assumed we’d open up her presents and cards with her. Husband asked her later in the day if she was going to open them and she said yes she already had first thing in the morning - she never even acknowledged or said thanks! It was so odd. This happens all the time. We posted her Mother’s Day present this year and Absolutely nothing! We knew she received it as it was a tracked parcel. This happens all the time- Christmas , we tend to go a few days after and even say we’ll do present opening with the them explicitly . We send things down early in December as we can’t fit everything in the car so do a few runs- anyway we get there on the 27th ready for our Christmas Day with them and they’ve opened them 🤣 again no acknowledgment or thanks.

I see it as rude and would just stop but they transfer money for our kids and to us for our Christmas/ birthdays. I always say thanks . I’m wondering if I just start transferring for theirs and say buy what you want but don’t want to appear passive aggressive and We can’t afford lots so it would show that they transfer more to us.

Anyway rant over but I think I find it rude and need to change my present giving as this isn’t working. My DH thinks it’s so rude but they don’t have that type of relationship where he could ask if they don’t want us to buy them presents.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 31/03/2024 22:31

Perhaps keep hold of the presents so that you give them in person, whether on the day or early/late, so that they have no choice but to open in front of you.

goneveryquiet · 31/03/2024 22:33

I don't give gift to my PIL it's my DH responsibility to think of his family. I will offer suggestions but leave it to him

LimeReader · 31/03/2024 22:34

Also just to add- I’m not giving the gifts just to get a thank you . A - we have to get them as they give us and the kids miney , and B - it’s more I just find it rude. I don’t need a badge or medal 🤣 I’d prefer to not have to give them anything as they’re so bloody rude but it’s not an option as we have to reciprocate.

OP posts:
nimski · 31/03/2024 22:36

It's not your job to buy any of your IL presents, married 13 years and never have, it's my DH job.

LimeReader · 31/03/2024 22:37

Just to reiterate im not having a go at my DH about not buying the presents- that’s not my point. I do all that in our house happily - it’s that they don’t say thanks and I find it bizarre!!

OP posts:
PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 31/03/2024 22:42

I genuinely don't care if I don't get thanked for gifts. I don't feel better about myself if someone remembers to thank me, once the present's handed over I stop thinking about it. I can recommend being like this, it makes giving presents so much nicer.

nutbrownhare15 · 31/03/2024 22:44

Stop buying. If they mention it say you didn't think they liked the gifts you were buying as they hadn't mentioned it.

LimeReader · 31/03/2024 22:53

Examples of the presents we give … so it’s not that we’re buying them stuff they don’t like..

FL loves red wine so we go and buy lovely red wines for him as it’s his favourite

ML a big gardener so we bought her gardening ball balls from a stately home - they have 5 Christmas trees with lots of random stuff on and these were lovely

OP posts:
LimeReader · 31/03/2024 22:53

@nutbrownhare15 that’s exactly how I feel tbh!

OP posts:
SofaSpuds · 31/03/2024 22:58

nimski · 31/03/2024 22:36

It's not your job to buy any of your IL presents, married 13 years and never have, it's my DH job.

I agree! I'm married 25 years and let DH buy all the presents for his family.

FoootPrints · 31/03/2024 23:01

It seems like they don't like giving or recieving but are sending you the money as they know it's expected. Some people do find it very awkward and hard work to open presents infront of people...the pressure of having to show delight and thanks can just be too much for people to bare.

I think you or DH just just take the bull by the horns and have an open conversation with them about it. "I noticed that you don't open your presents Infront of us or say thanks for them. I just wondered why that was. Is it because you dont like them? Or don't want us to send you presents or something else?'

Just ask without being defensive or on the attack and see what they say. What's the worst that could happen?

Survivedtheex13 · 31/03/2024 23:10

They are being extremely rude, it hurts when you’ve put time and effort into trying to find a perfect present for them, been there too.

What about getting a subscription to wine club for FIL and gardening magazine/National Trust membership for MIL, means you don’t need room in the car and it could cover all the present giving times in one go? If nothing else it saves you being disappointed time and again.

Bournetilly · 01/04/2024 00:57

I would either keep the present until you can give it them in person (at a time when they will open it with you) or start buying a cheap token gift as if they are not saying thank you it’s coming across rude and as though they don’t like it. I wouldn’t be wasting my money.

Bournetilly · 01/04/2024 00:58

Or you could say to them ‘did you like the gift we got you?’ Then they are forced to acknowledge it.

DramaticBananas · 01/04/2024 01:03

Transfer the money to them that you would have spent on their present? Don't say anything. They won't say anything, given their history. Time and hassle saved. No guilt on your part as you've sent them a 'gift equivalent'.

LimeReader · 01/04/2024 07:45

@Bournetilly i think this as well! I’ve been spending the same as I do on my parents and buy ML lovely brands like Loccitaine or Neom - given they don’t seem to appreciate anything I think I’ll start going to pound land , spend a lot less and not really care anymore! They themselves aren’t into fancy things- they just seem to like quantity so cheaper things I think or a money transfer!

OP posts:
LimeReader · 01/04/2024 07:48

DramaticBananas · 01/04/2024 01:03

Transfer the money to them that you would have spent on their present? Don't say anything. They won't say anything, given their history. Time and hassle saved. No guilt on your part as you've sent them a 'gift equivalent'.

Agree I think I’ve got to that point! It’s just basic manners to say thank to . My children thank everyone who gives them a present as it’s time , thought and money spent. I think I’ll start saying we’ve transferred so you can buy yourself something you like. I might say to them that I’m transferring from now on as I don’t know if they like gifts so this way they can choose their own!

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 01/04/2024 07:49

nimski · 31/03/2024 22:36

It's not your job to buy any of your IL presents, married 13 years and never have, it's my DH job.

It might not be “her job” but she says she’s happy to buy the presents. So that’s not the issue

Coconutter24 · 01/04/2024 07:51

My own DF and DSM are like this. It’s so rude it annoys me each time. They are very selfish people though

NeedToChangeName · 01/04/2024 07:56

Offer to buy an Oxfam goat as their gift

LimeReader · 01/04/2024 08:01

Coconutter24 · 01/04/2024 07:49

It might not be “her job” but she says she’s happy to buy the presents. So that’s not the issue

Yes more than happy to . Buying the presents isn’t the problem. I quite enjoy it ! It’s just the strange lack of any thanks or acknowledgment - it’s been going on for 15 years 🤣 and I’m finally at the point of it annoying me more than it now should as it comes across as entitled to me and they expect they get the gifts . They don’t get many as they don’t have many friends at all. So I do think they like opening things but are socially awkward perhaps! 🤔

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 01/04/2024 08:03

YNBU.
Its time for your husband to step up and take responsibility for his side of the family regarding gifts.

You stop doing it.

Perhaps when they realise they had it good for a while, they’ll be more receptive to the gifts they get.

LimeReader · 01/04/2024 08:03

NeedToChangeName · 01/04/2024 07:56

Offer to buy an Oxfam goat as their gift

I like this idea- I will report back on Christmas Day 🤣 saying that we won’t have a clue what they think!

OP posts:
haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 01/04/2024 08:05

We send things down early in December as we can’t fit everything in the car so do a few runs- anyway we get there on the 27th ready for our Christmas Day with them and they’ve opened them 🤣 tbh I'd open them christmas day too. The whole idea is that christmas day is the day. If you want them to wait then bring them down with you.

As for the rest of it - yeah just transfer the money if you want

Westernesse · 01/04/2024 08:06

LookItsMeAgain · 01/04/2024 08:03

YNBU.
Its time for your husband to step up and take responsibility for his side of the family regarding gifts.

You stop doing it.

Perhaps when they realise they had it good for a while, they’ll be more receptive to the gifts they get.

How many times? It’s been explained repeatedly that she prefers to be the one who does this.

do you get that?

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