To not buy in-laws presents anymore?

[LimeReader]

Would appreciate advice- and aware I’m probably just annoyed! I buy my ML and FL presents for their birthdays, Christmas, mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They never ever say thank you! They seem expectant of them. I put time and thought into getting them nice things- they also like stuff as they are hoarders! I don’t like stuff so would prefer wine or chocolates but they love stuff!

Examples are- I gave the ML her birthday present a few weeks early as we weren’t seeing her on her birthday. We then ended up staying at their house on her birthday - went downstairs and assumed we’d open up her presents and cards with her. Husband asked her later in the day if she was going to open them and she said yes she already had first thing in the morning - she never even acknowledged or said thanks! It was so odd. This happens all the time. We posted her Mother’s Day present this year and Absolutely nothing! We knew she received it as it was a tracked parcel. This happens all the time- Christmas , we tend to go a few days after and even say we’ll do present opening with the them explicitly . We send things down early in December as we can’t fit everything in the car so do a few runs- anyway we get there on the 27th ready for our Christmas Day with them and they’ve opened them 🤣 again no acknowledgment or thanks.

I see it as rude and would just stop but they transfer money for our kids and to us for our Christmas/ birthdays. I always say thanks . I’m wondering if I just start transferring for theirs and say buy what you want but don’t want to appear passive aggressive and We can’t afford lots so it would show that they transfer more to us.

Anyway rant over but I think I find it rude and need to change my present giving as this isn’t working. My DH thinks it’s so rude but they don’t have that type of relationship where he could ask if they don’t want us to buy them presents.

I’d just keep giving them gifts, and stop stressing about the response. Yes, they’re rude. But it doesn’t really matter. I wouldn’t rock the boat over this.

it's not making OP happy is it. So either he can have a go or one of them can transfer cash

Yeah I would do this. Just go to home bargains/ b&m. If there not into fancy things it will be wasted, my parents are the same and would rather a cheaper brand. I wouldn’t even send them money, just buy them a few cheaper things.

Either way they should still say thank you and show some appreciation, it’s just rude.

That’s not acceptable to the OP. This has been made clear.

Stop buying them presents and just send/give them a card on occasions. People should never give to receive so just because they buy you presents it doesn't mean that you HAVE to buy them presents too. I would let your DH buy for his family too because although you say that's not the problem it clearly is adding to it. I imagine you wouldn't be as irritated by them not saying thank you if you hadn't gone to the trouble of looking for and choosing their gifts.

When I have come across non thankers my response is to only give a gift when I see them in person. Send a cheap card if necessary.

Also 100% buy lower quality items if they don’t appreciate better stuff.

That said some people are really uncomfortable with gifts. It’s a very real thing. They clearly like receiving stuff but have some deep seated issues with acknowledging them. Hoarders are quite complicated- I wouldn’t overthink it.

First and last time I bought a present for my future mil she did thank me then put it to one side.
Fast forward a couple of months she was moving house, took me into the spare room and told me I could have anything laid out on the bed they were all new but she didn't like them.
Pride of place was my gift. I did say that was my gift to her, she was embarrassed.

I think the way to go is choose something from Amazon and get it delivered to theirs - minimal effort, while still fulfilling social obligations.

I disagree

Marriage is a joint enterprise.

It does not matter who buys the presents, its the thought. Often, a married couple will decide/talk what to get and budget.

OP, I hear you but some people are like that so carry on. What did DH say?

Start buying them really weird gifts that require an explanation 😄

Ask them. "Hey we've noticed you don't like to acknowledge the presents we buy you. Would you prefer other gifts or just money transfer instead? If you don't like the gifts we buy we'd rather you say."

Although when she'd said they'd opened their presents I'd have said "did you like them?"

Ask if they've received presents you've sent, "oh good, we worried they'd been lost in the post when we didn't hear from you "

They're being rude. And they're full grown adults, there's no way they don't know that you say thank you when someone gives you a gift. It's a very basic, simple rule.

I have a relative who is very awkward around gifts. Doesn't acknowledge them or say whether she likes them etc. But I think this is to do with her self view. She'll say things like "oh don't open the good biscuits for me" or "don't go to any trouble for me". So I put it down to her feeling awkward with fuss. But I don't necessarily fall over myself now to do the "oh I love it" dance when she's got me a gift I'm not fussed on.

It sounds rude but I wouldn’t strain myself finding amazing presents. I think hand the presents over in person when you see them unless you have weeks or months between visits and then it makes sense to post.

I have a similar situation with my in laws. It doesn’t bother me very much because I don’t feel enough of a connection with them to care! As long as we can visit cordially then anything else is a bonus lol 😂

A donation has been made in your name to the ......

My BF has ASD. She cannot abide being in the room while someone opens a present she’s bought or opening a present in the presence of the giver. She finds it really stressful. She will say thank you later.

Expect nothing from them and you will never be disappointed.

Stop buying them anything. Maybe get dc yo make a nice card, done.

Thanks for the feedback.

The OP is saying that she doesn't get thanked for buying the gifts for her in-laws, so my suggestion still stands, even if the OP gets enjoyment from buying the gifts for them, they are still rude in not thanking her or her husband for them. So if she stopped buying the gifts, then perhaps a few years worth of gifts bought by their son for them might get them thinking of the good old days when the OP was the one doing the buying.

That's all. Do you get that?

I wish I had your problem. Send a bottle of wine and some gardening gloves and some cards and see my return coming back manyfold in cash. My father in law remarried and all the money is going towards his new family. Let's keep things in perspective- your in-laws care about you whether they are rude about it or not

...they’re so bloody rude but it’s not an option as we have to reciprocate

No you don't have to. You are choosing to. You know what they are like, it won't change.

Having hoaders in the family, I don't think hoarding is given the serious MH issue it is. It isn't out of the realms of possibility that these issues aren't connected, including the difficult relationship with your DH. 'Stuff' can a complex issue for them, like a binge eating episode for someone who has a eating disorder. They aren't going to change, decide what you want to do so there is no resentment.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

They’re transferring money for you and the kids which makes them thoughtful parents/ PIL. They could just not bother.
Maybe ask them what they’d like next time and see what they say? It really wouldn’t matter to me if they didn’t say thanks tbh. People are how they are i find it’s better to just accept that as long as they aren’t unpleasant.