Did I overreact to this?

[ECJW738]

DS (6) was due to go to my mother’s house for a couple of days today, as he usually does in the school holidays.

DS has autism and as a result, has quite chronic constipation (this is under a management plan with the hospital, so I’m not asking for any advice or discussion on this). He has been struggling to go to the toilet for the last few days so we have started on a different type of laxatives.

My mother announced that she was taking him out to a country park and I questioned if it was the best idea at the moment (he is constantly on tip-toes trying to go to the toilet) because of being given the laxatives and the lack of toilets in a country park and maybe somewhere different and more accessible toilet wise was better until he had managed to go to the toilet (nappies aren’t an option because he was reliant on them and not using the actual toilet and it was making the issue worse). DS is really uncomfortable and I’m not even sure that he would walk that far at the moment and also she never packs or remembers a bag for him (out of pure laziness) so the likelihood is that if she did take him there and he shit himself she would have nothing to clean him up or change him into and it would be incredibly embarrassing for DS.

She then became quite angry at this and said that they’ll just sit in all day instead and that if I had given the laxatives yesterday it wouldn’t be a problem now. I responded by saying that if she was going to have a crappy attitude then to leave DS at home with me and not bother picking him up and he had been on the laxatives for a few days now so not to keep making incorrect assumptions. I’ve not heard anything back.

Am I really in the wrong for thinking that a country park was a bad idea?!

I think a walk would get things moving!

Also, give him a backpack with his things in. Why are you assuming she is 'lazy' ?

@HelloMiss I do give him backpack with everything he could possibly need - she always leaves it at home, without fail, because she can’t be bothered to carry it around.

If he is six then surely he can be given the responsibility of carrying the backpack himself?

That's what I meant....his backpack for him to take

Unfortunately he cannot. He already struggles to walk because he has Hypermobility in his joints which causes pain and discomfort after a certain period of time, adding on extra weight in the form of a backpack only adds to that.

A backpack doesn't need to be packed full though. Keep it lightweight

Might be too full/heavy, hence your mother boycotts it

I agree a walk would probably help things. A light backpack with a change of clothes isn’t going to add any real weight to him.
That said, you’re his mum and if you prefer him not to go then that’s your prerogative.

Yanbu, it sounds like a bad idea to take him somewhere without toilets right now. PPs say a walk might "get things moving" but you need things to be moving when you're not far from a toilet. Especially for a disabled child.

"My mother announced that she was taking him out to a country park and I questioned if it was the best idea at the moment"

Announced she was taking him and all you can do is question? He's your child not hers, she should be asking not announcing and you have every right to say no to anything you disagree with regarding your child.

Country parks have toilets though?

There's usually a playground and cafe area

There is one set of toilets in this particular country park and it’s quite a distance away from the trails and things.

I have two autistic children who are on laxatives and we go to country parks.

All children are different but you sound very much as if you have firmly made up your mind that no matter what anyone says, your mother is we BU.

I think you've both over-reacted. You mum didn't need to respond in a huffy way to your suggestion (maybe you could have suggested somewhere that has toilets). But then I don't see how your response was ever going to have any other result than what it has - ie she isn't going to have him at all now.

Wa this via messaging or did you have a conversation about it?

Exactly, when DS does eventually go, it’s usually with very little warning - I highly doubt they would make it to the toilet in time which would leave DS probably soiling himself which is very distressing for him because of his autism and sensory issues etc.

This isn’t just a dose of lactulose or movicol (or whatever it’s called). This is proper bowel stimulating stuff, that will most likely cause a huge bowel clearout with accidents. Plus, DS is literally on tip toes constantly and very uncomfortable - who would want to walk around a huge country park like that?

We'll keep him shut indoors at home with you op, that's clearly your preferred option

Your mum can do her thing

Why do you keep posting continuously? I think you’ve made your point, you’re being a bit OTT now.

Would a camping toilet be feasible? That could be kept in the car. And could he pull/ride a little trolley/trike thing with his stuff if the backpack gets too cumbersome or forgotten?
I guess if he's going to be uncomfortable and he doesn't want to go then he shouldn't. Could they go to a park nearer to home, with better facilities or near cafes etc with toilets?
It should be your decision as you know your son best, so she needs to respect your wishes. There are plenty of activities with toilets nearby on site she could pick. The country park can be another time.

I don't think you're unreasonable to think this is a bad idea. I don't think she's unreasonable to be a bit peeved that her plans for Easter weekend are shot.

But I do totally sympathise and I wouldn't want my dc put in a situation where they feel like they could potentially have an accident. That's really unfair. Could they stay at home with you instead?

I might get told off for this, but could he not go in a bush if needs be ?

You’re totally reasonable. I have an autistic and formerly chronically constipated child who at one point was on fairly strong laxatives, I don’t think people get it unless it’s their experience. It’s not like changing a baby or toddler’s ordinary dirty nappy, it’d be horrendous for the child and adult if he had an accident. Camping toilets and backpacks of stuff are not sensible options for a child who’s probably already got enough toileting hang ups. Would she as an adult go out walking far from toilets after strong laxatives and be ok with the possibility of having an accident herself, using camping toilets etc or would she in fact stay home?!

Why can’t he just stay near a familiar toilet for now and go to a country park some other time? I don’t understand why your mother would make such a big deal about it - sometimes child’s actual needs have to be accommodated over adult’s wants. It’s frustrating sometimes, but I imagine it’s a heck of a lot harder for you and your DS than her!

If someone had this attitude towards me and called me lazy etc then I sure as heck wouldn't be looking after their child. Treat your mother better or say bye to any childcare.

Exactly. Why send him if he is not up for anything?

I didn't realise there was a limit to the number of posts allowed on a thread.

I've had strong laxatives (before an operation).

I didn't leave the house. It was horrendous.

A walk would have been completely out of the question.

No one offering to take an autistic 6 year old boy to a country park in the Easter holidays should be described as ‘pure lazy.’ How ungrateful.