Did I overreact to this?

[ECJW738]

DS (6) was due to go to my mother’s house for a couple of days today, as he usually does in the school holidays.

DS has autism and as a result, has quite chronic constipation (this is under a management plan with the hospital, so I’m not asking for any advice or discussion on this). He has been struggling to go to the toilet for the last few days so we have started on a different type of laxatives.

My mother announced that she was taking him out to a country park and I questioned if it was the best idea at the moment (he is constantly on tip-toes trying to go to the toilet) because of being given the laxatives and the lack of toilets in a country park and maybe somewhere different and more accessible toilet wise was better until he had managed to go to the toilet (nappies aren’t an option because he was reliant on them and not using the actual toilet and it was making the issue worse). DS is really uncomfortable and I’m not even sure that he would walk that far at the moment and also she never packs or remembers a bag for him (out of pure laziness) so the likelihood is that if she did take him there and he shit himself she would have nothing to clean him up or change him into and it would be incredibly embarrassing for DS.

She then became quite angry at this and said that they’ll just sit in all day instead and that if I had given the laxatives yesterday it wouldn’t be a problem now. I responded by saying that if she was going to have a crappy attitude then to leave DS at home with me and not bother picking him up and he had been on the laxatives for a few days now so not to keep making incorrect assumptions. I’ve not heard anything back.

Am I really in the wrong for thinking that a country park was a bad idea?!

There are absolutely loads of activities that don’t involve taking a child with medical and SEN needs into a situation far from toilets where there’s a decent chance he’ll have a distressing accident, or at best be very uncomfortable. It’s not like taking a two year old behind a bush for a quick wild wee, and a lot of you have clearly never had a child taking laxatives - it’s not a quick and tidy process.

It’s awful all this minimising being done because he’s a child and has a disability - no one proposing bushes and camping toilets and just carrying a change of clothes would be ok with that happening to them as a NT adult. Withholding and anxiety is a massive issue for constipated kids with ASD, these sorts of “solutions” don’t help.

His dignity, comfort and long term toileting matters more than his granny having a nice walk. Do something at home, or at least go somewhere with proper access to toilets.

@Pogointospring exactly, I don’t think people do realise. At his age, it would be exactly the same sort of mess as an adult - it’s not like a baby or a toddler when they need a nappy change. A lot of adults wouldn’t want to do this if it was them on laxatives but children are expected to just deal with it and their dignity doesn’t seem to matter. Definitely agree with you on the withholding and anxiety - I think we’ve got to that stage now where DS knows how uncomfortable it’s going to be and is trying to hold on for as long as possible.

Someone who has taken laxatives shouldn't really be walking around a country park. Imagine if they kick in! There may be toilets there but you'd want to be in the comfort of your own home!

All sounds very familiar. If it’s any consolation, after many years of massive anxiety and upset, meds, nappies, doctors and frankly being near despair, it got better. Now my child at nearly twelve is finally completely off medication, completely independently using the toilet and aside from an aversion to unusual situations (eg camping toilets and the like) you’d never know it was ever an issue. But when they were age five I cried over it almost daily, and a situation like your mother suggests wouldn’t have helped!

Quite!

I have long term bowel problems and could write a book on some of the hideous situations that I have been in over the years. There's no cure and poor bowel control is a bit of a nightmare, I often don't leave my house for days. I wouldn't wish it on a child ever. A country park when an incident is expected would be my idea of torture

If your son is currently at risk of shitting himself and can’t go anywhere without a toilet in sight, then YABU for sending him off to stay with someone else. I wouldn’t agree to look after a six-year-old for a few days if I couldn’t take them out anywhere.

You are also being deeply unpleasant to call your mother ‘lazy’ when she had not only agreed to have her grandson to stay but had also made plans for a day out. If she was lazy she wouldn’t bother with any of this.

Whether a country park was a great idea or not is really neither here nor there. I’m strongly suspecting that you have form for nitpicking at your mother and generally acting like she never does anything right.

I agree he shouldn't be walking around a place with few toilets. I don't agree you can offload him on granny then dictate what she should do. Keep him at home.

Who says she wants to “offload him” on Granny? Who says Granny didn’t ask to have him? Maybe Granny doesn’t want to cancel plans just because DC is in this situation and is causing a fuss about OP keeping him home and insisting on having him as planned? Or maybe OP did ask for childcare - I don’t see that that means she should just allow her child’s needs to be ignored.

I’ve never asked my parents to have my children - they ask to have them to stay most school holidays for a couple of days. But even if I did ask them to babysit it wouldn’t mean I have “offloaded” my children and I would still expect my parents to look after them properly if they were going to have them, including taking proper care of their medical and SEN related needs. I don’t regard that as me “dictating what they can do”.

YABU.

As @Pogointospring said, I didn’t actually ask, she offered and asked DS if he wanted to go there and exactly, expecting your child to be taken care of properly isn’t ‘dictating’ especially when it affects their health, safety and well-being @saveforthat.

He has a really uncomfortable medical condition the gm is intent on ignoring.

I’m with you @daffophil , of course he should stay home, or near a decent loo, until the meds work . It’s awful, stressful, and uncomfortable waiting to go, poor lad.

They really don’t get it, it’s horrible and all consuming.

Does she really not understand the possible distress and discomfort for her grandson? That's awful.

YANBU. Why would she not carry a bag with a change of clothes for him? That's not a lot to ask at all.

Dear me, you appear to have attracted a couple of proper twats op. Of course you know what's best for your son. Why anyone can't understand why you wouldn't want to put him in a possibly very uncomfortable situation is beyond me. It's a shame Grandma couldn't be more flexible. I'm sure once he's cleared out, he would love to go.

Agree the walking will help

I think YABVU to call your mother lazy when she is taking care of your child.....I know needs must and sometimes GP are a law unto themselves, but I don't think she is lazy or in the wrong here

Country Park sounds like the worse idea if you immensely expecting a bowel clear out.

Yanbu

OP, in your shoes I would try and clear the air with my mother. You haven't answered how the original conversation took place (phone call, message etc). It sounds like you were both a bit huffy tbh.

I'd phone her up and speak honestly- 'Mum, I'm sorry we were a bit terse with each other earlier. It was lovely that you thought of taking x to country park. Unfortunately, because of <y> reasons, that isn't going to work at the moment. Why don't you come and join us to do z together instead? ' or something along those lines.

You are right to advocate for your son- I suspect your mother just hadn't thought this through (I think a lot of people don't realise how limiting toilet issues can be if it hasn't directly affected them). I am of course assuming this is a one off, though your comment about your mother being lazy suggests there is a backstory

Really? The country park sounds lovely, but can't be arsed to carry a light bag with a change of clothes?!

I've never asked my mum to do this, but I know she would do it in a heartbeat, and I would for my grandchild.