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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toxic ex confessing love decades later

34 replies

Umpapapa · 30/03/2024 20:43

My ex has recently been in touch sending me a 'heartfelt' apology for his past abusive behaviour and saying if he could take it all back he would and he's so happy and proud of me and the life I've created etc but he will always love me.

We were together from age 15 to 21 - we're nearly 40 now. He's been in touch now and then over the years just to wish me a happy birthday. I don't respond. I am married as is he. He lives in a different country.

The recent message has triggered me a lot as for a long time it's all I wanted to hear. He has seemingly sorted his life out now has a good job and looks like he has a happy family now.

He says he has never got over me and still thinks of me a lot. What does he have to gain from sending this after all this time? Still control? I know people will say just block and I will just wondering what people's thoughts are and if this has happened to anyone else?
AIBU to think he might mean it?

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 30/03/2024 20:44

Probably wants a shag

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 30/03/2024 20:46

Does it matter whether he means it or not, if you're currently happy?
I'd be inclined not to respond at all, and block if need be.

Pomegranatecarnage · 30/03/2024 20:47

Don’t reply, you could set something in motion that will bring your life crashing down. He may well feel regret at treating you badly, he may also be looking back through rose-tinted spectacles, especially if his marriage isn’t in a good place, or he’s bored. I’d leave well alone.

Original poster
Umpapapa · 30/03/2024 20:48

The shag and boredom element has crossed my mind but he lives in a different country so not exactly the easiest way to obtain a quickie

OP posts:
Octonaut4Life · 30/03/2024 20:49

He's clearly not "sorted his life out now" if he's married with a family but is messaging his ex from 20 years ago declaring his undying love.

RhymesWithTangerine · 30/03/2024 20:49

Take it for what it is - an apology. He might need to get it off his chest and it sounds like you needed to hear it.

Do not let it waste your time though. Breathe in breathe out and let it go.

AffableApple · 30/03/2024 20:50

This man will ruin your life, again. All mouth, no trousers. The nostalgia suits whatever crisis he's currently going through. Don't be the mug who falls for it.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/03/2024 20:50

His life's not great so he's reminiscing. At best you're just an ex to vent to, someone to break up the mundane. At worst he's after sex. He hasn't changed, he's talking to you behind his wife's back. He chose to be toxic back then he wasn't forced, and if you're wise you won't give him the time of day. & you're married - leave this alone. I doubt you'd like it if your husband was inviting conversations and viewpoints about his ex.

Crumpleton · 30/03/2024 21:01

Umpapapa · 30/03/2024 20:48

The shag and boredom element has crossed my mind but he lives in a different country so not exactly the easiest way to obtain a quickie

Could be scheduled to come to the country you live in on a work basis and just checking out as to whether it's worth meeting up 'for old times sake'

Surprised after all these years you still have the phone number of someone you consider to have been abusive towards you and describe as "toxic"

Are you happily married.

AngelaBB · 30/03/2024 21:03

Don't risk losing what you've got. Block him. Forget him.

Original poster
Umpapapa · 30/03/2024 21:05

@Crumpleton the number isn't saved but I haven't blocked either. I know I should. I think I might be a bit trauma bonded and things have been a little rough lately

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 30/03/2024 21:09

Umpapapa · 30/03/2024 21:05

@Crumpleton the number isn't saved but I haven't blocked either. I know I should. I think I might be a bit trauma bonded and things have been a little rough lately

Sorry to hear things are a little rough for you lately but in all honesty if you have any thoughts of striking up a relationship, by message or face to face it'll only add to any problems you have and I'm sure that's the last thing you need.

Leave the past exactly there and concentrate on how to sort out what's going on with the "rough lately"

Original poster
Umpapapa · 30/03/2024 21:11

@Crumpleton good advice. I did try a counselling session recently to unlock things but there's a lot to unlock and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it yet. I'm probably giving this msg more weight because I need to address other things

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 30/03/2024 21:14

12 step programme?

Sausage77 · 30/03/2024 21:14

He sounds like a shit, OP. What he’s doing is a form of control - even if he isn’t physically nearby, he’s trying to exert some sort of power over you and hoping to catch you at a low point. Honestly, I’m middle-aged now and if I had a penny for every loser ex who popped up years later trying this sort of pathetic fishing move I’d be a rich woman. Thankfully I could always see it for what it was. Block and move on.

AdoraBell · 30/03/2024 21:16

He’s trying to reel you in to control you again. Huge red flag 🚩 🚩 ignore and block him.

Thelnebriati · 30/03/2024 21:17

Google 'narcissistic hoovering' for an explanation. He's probably bored, and the number of women available locally that he can abuse is limited so he's running through a list of his past victims.

Crumpleton · 30/03/2024 21:18

@Umpapapa.
You ex seems to have caught you at a time in your life when you're feeling a bit vulnerable.
You really do need to let your head make your heart see sence, the anticipation, excitement, of hearing from him again and saying what you want to hear is clouding your judgment.

iwafs · 30/03/2024 21:21

He’s still abusive. how do you think his wife would feel reading this shit he’s sent to you?

how can he really be happy with his wife if he never got over you?

it’s all best ignored.

Original poster
Umpapapa · 30/03/2024 21:42

Thanks for the replies. I guess the consensus is that if you're capable of being toxic in the past you're not capable of love or remorse in the future?

OP posts:
Circumferences · 30/03/2024 21:55

It could be he's done some sort of AA program where they say to write out all your wrongdoings and make amends to people you hurt.....?

neverenoughplants · 30/03/2024 21:57

Thelnebriati · 30/03/2024 21:17

Google 'narcissistic hoovering' for an explanation. He's probably bored, and the number of women available locally that he can abuse is limited so he's running through a list of his past victims.

Totally agree with this - unfortunately some men love to feel that they've still got power and pull over their exes. It gives them an ego boost to think that they can still catch your attention and interest.

@Umpapapa I sense from your replies that you feel disappointed that so many of us are roasting your ex and being very cynical about his intentions. I can sympathise with this, it's natural to hope/wish that someone who treated you badly is genuinely apologising and feeling guilty for their actions. I suppose what I would point out is that he could have simply apologised and said he regretted his behaviour. Telling you that he never got over you is really dangling the carrot. There's no reason to tell you that unless he's hoping to hear the same from you. You're married and so is he. At best, he's disrespecting his wife by saying this - at worst, he's indicating that he might be open to rekindling a relationship with you. My own suspicion is that this is more about his ego than it is about anything else, and you should be extremely cautious/guard your heart if you decide to have any further contact with him.

whattodo87 · 30/03/2024 22:13

I agree with everyone's points, but I would also go as far as showing the message to your husband so you can get his point of view on things ☺️

Crumpleton · 30/03/2024 22:40

Umpapapa · 30/03/2024 21:42

Thanks for the replies. I guess the consensus is that if you're capable of being toxic in the past you're not capable of love or remorse in the future?

Love or remorse.

The remorse is fine.
Maybe he's at a point in his life where he needs to unlock his true character and apologising is part of the process.
He's messaged you out of the blue to say he's sorry but he really should have left it at just the apology.

He's married, so I'd like to think that he grew up and love played a part in him falling for his wife and asking her to marry him.

purplediscoblue · 30/03/2024 22:41

Considering you’re married shouldn’t you block and run… move on.

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