Toxic ex confessing love decades later

[Umpapapa]

My ex has recently been in touch sending me a 'heartfelt' apology for his past abusive behaviour and saying if he could take it all back he would and he's so happy and proud of me and the life I've created etc but he will always love me.

We were together from age 15 to 21 - we're nearly 40 now. He's been in touch now and then over the years just to wish me a happy birthday. I don't respond. I am married as is he. He lives in a different country.

The recent message has triggered me a lot as for a long time it's all I wanted to hear. He has seemingly sorted his life out now has a good job and looks like he has a happy family now.

He says he has never got over me and still thinks of me a lot. What does he have to gain from sending this after all this time? Still control? I know people will say just block and I will just wondering what people's thoughts are and if this has happened to anyone else?
AIBU to think he might mean it?

That was my first thought too......perhaps he has had some sort of therapy and the therapist suggested it. Sadly with no thought of the person/people he may be sending these messages to.

If he's happily married, why does he keep reaching out to an ex that he has no contact with?

Abusers don't know how to apologise. It isn't within their remit. It's a manipulation tactic. If it was a true apology, he would have left it after that message, rather than consistently trying to reach out all these years. Better yet, he shouldn't have told you he'd always love you when he's married. The aim is to emotionally confuse you enough that you'll go crawling back. Block him.

He's a married man, messaging an ex... and he's saying he never got over her, misses her, and thinks of her a lot.

Does that sound respectful, loving and non-toxic towards his wife?

My toxic ex did this. Neither of us were married. I fell for it. 30 years later, he’s still a toxic arsehole. I gave him the chance to prove it again and regret it hugely. Please block him.

Whichever way you think it, the message was selfish and for his own gratification.

Even an alcoholic, on the 7 step plan has to go and apologise to all the ones they wronged (according to the movies), but that is THEIR journey, for their progression - not the person who gets the apology.

When a cheating rat tells the wife and apologise never to do it again, it's for their own guilt. Not the wife, she's in bits.

These messages come not for your good, but for the ex. See them like that and you see the driver behind them. No matter what the ex's goal was, its intention wasn't for your good, it was for theirs.

Put them in your rear view.

Hello, a very similar thing happened to me when I was forty. I was daft enough to meet up with the toxic ex and it damn well nearly destroyed me. He said the same thing to me that he'd never got over me and had always held me in his heart bla bla bla and then proceeded to gradually pick me to pieces and break my heart all over again. For your own sanity and happiness, please don't answer him or get involved. I was recently fifty and this same man STILL had my phone number and sent me a birthday message which freaked me out. The last time I had heard from him before this was when he told me I was fat and dressed badly. People like this are weirdos and think they can be abusive and still keep in touch with their ex girlfriends as and when they feel like it. Sorry this has happened to you and look after yourself.

Bingo.

This 👆🏻

Op he hasn't changed has he.. he's now being toxic to his wife by messaging you...