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Original poster

Does my sister in law treat me like dirt?

29 replies

ShabbyChic999 · 30/03/2024 18:41

Hi guys,

I'd love your opinion please - am I too sensitive here? I have a pretty shaky relationship with my sister in law - we're thrown together because we're family and broadly speaking I really like her and we get on well. But she really lets me down. She is often really late when we get together and one time she and her family were 3 hours late to my son's 10th birthday party - it was a small family party where them not showing up was a huge gap, we were looking out for them all afternoon. I ended up clearly letting her know how I felt and things did improve for a long time. By the way the reason she was so late was because her child was napping and she didn't want to get him up until he woke naturally.

I recently had an accident and had to have surgery, I'm recovering at home and she said she'd try and call down last sunday - she never called and never sent any apology. (given she had just said she'd "try to call" I made excuses for her) Then she got in touch and said she'd call with her children today, I said to her yesterday to make sure to let me know if she couldn't make it. I waited all afternoon (am stuck on couch all day as leg is in a cast) and at 5pm she rang to say she couldn't make it because her child's nap went late and had just woken. She only lives 10 mins away but she didn't want to come at that stage even for a quick visit as their evening routine would run late.

I am totally fed up to say the least - I feel I make an effort to get on with her for the sake of the children but this is my limit. I just don't get this from any other family member or friend, if they say they'll call they will....

Am I too sensitive about this or do you think she's treating me like dirt?
What do you do with this sort of relative? I can't cut her out of my life and I do want to be an aunt to her children but I've had my fill of her

OP posts:
Duh · 30/03/2024 18:44

I don’t think she’s treating you like dirt, she just sounds thoughtless. That’s not ok and you don’t have to tolerate it but I don’t think it’s personal. I would just not bother trying to make arrangements with her and simply co-exist at family events.

pictoosh · 30/03/2024 18:44

Not sure if she's lacking respect for you in particular...or one of those parents whose life revolves around naps and expects that other people should wait accordingly. You do get them.

TeaKitten · 30/03/2024 18:44

She sounds quite self absorbed but it seems that’s her as a person rather than her treating you like dirt. Her husband is also responsible for the being late to the party though, and he could also come to visit with the kids. I’d just distance myself from her as much as reasonably possible.

Punkkitty · 30/03/2024 18:52

My brother and sister in law are like this. Used to wind me up but now I’ve realised that’s just how they are and let it wash over me.
It’s not personal to me or anyone they just can’t get their shit together to get out of the house on time to anything.
I assume they’ll be mega late to everything or not make it so don’t get worked up about it or sit around waiting on them.

Gabby82 · 30/03/2024 19:12

She just sounds generally unreliable. I know lots of people like that and just know not to count on them. I wouldn't take up personally. Just factor into future plans that she'll likely be flakey.

waftabout · 30/03/2024 19:19

She sounds thoughtless and self absorbed. Was she like this before having children?
I wonder because some people think having young kids is an excuse to be consistently late and unreliable.

Runningbird43 · 30/03/2024 19:25

Hshe isn’t treating you like dirt.

her life revolves around her child’s routines. Some people do get like that. To be fair if the kids are young you can get obsessive about naps- if not napping means the child’s sleeping is messed up, they’re a nightmare until bedtime then won’t go to bed because they’re overtired, it is understandable. Especially if you’re sleep deprived yourself and all you crave is for them to settle so you can have some peace/tidy/sleep yourself.

however I’d maybe expect text updates to explain, even a quick sorry will be late, child still sleeping and will be a demon all day if we wake him.

i sometimes used to ask if I could turn up very early, feed child and put them to nap in a spare room there. But then sometimes a child will
only sleep in it’s own cot.

i’d cut her some slack while the children are stil preschoolers.

Screamingabdabz · 30/03/2024 19:37

She is just selfish. She regards you with lower importance than her child’s naps. I don’t know if that’s ’treating you like dirt’ but I think you’d be happier if you just accept where you are on her priority list (pretty low) and act accordingly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2024 19:41

She is just different to you. You're making it about you because you have a script about how family is supposed to be. Hers is different.

The world is much easier when you just accept people as they are, and work around them. She's flakey, don't really on her. Job done.

witmum · 30/03/2024 19:45

She is your sister in law. There is no need to have a direct relationship manage it though your brother or your DH brother.

Have no expectation on the SIL and you won't be disappointed.

milesmachine · 30/03/2024 19:51

Aside from the 3 hours late I don't think it sounds dramatic enough to be labelled as 'treating me like dirt'. That seems quite an over reaction.

Being late for a bday party by that length of time is pretty rubbish but you don't mention her husband (DH brother or your brother) at all. Why is she getting the flack??

I also have kids that are young enough to still nap and by god I protect it with everything I can. If my DS doesn't nap then everything goes to shit. He's a terrible sleeper so I do work things around him.

Also if her kids are young enough to nap then you can bet getting out the door quickly is impossible and time consuming

She sounds like her kids routine comes first. That's ok, some people (me included) are like this. She needs to work on her communication skills but otherwise she just sounds a bit flaky.

Also you describe that you'd waited in but also that we're camped out on the sofa with your leg in a cast so presumably she thought you weren't going anywhere anyway?

Original poster
ShabbyChic999 · 30/03/2024 21:05

Thanks for all your replies, most of you seem to think she's just a bit flaky and I need to put up with it and that is food for thought. I think if this was a one off I wouldn't be so annoyed but this is years of her showing no respect for my time (as the way I see it). Even though I'm house bound/couch bound at the moment I made an effort to get organised for their visit, even getting dressed is a big ordeal right now. DH got toys out for the kids, got easter eggs for them and although you could say I have nowhere to be I was waiting all afternoon and looking forward to the visit 🙁

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 30/03/2024 22:46

ShabbyChic999 · 30/03/2024 21:05

Thanks for all your replies, most of you seem to think she's just a bit flaky and I need to put up with it and that is food for thought. I think if this was a one off I wouldn't be so annoyed but this is years of her showing no respect for my time (as the way I see it). Even though I'm house bound/couch bound at the moment I made an effort to get organised for their visit, even getting dressed is a big ordeal right now. DH got toys out for the kids, got easter eggs for them and although you could say I have nowhere to be I was waiting all afternoon and looking forward to the visit 🙁

I think rather than ‘putting up with it’, you need to lower your expectations and realise she isn’t going to respect you as much as you respect her.

People only treat you the way you let them. So don’t be so available or accommodating. Let her know you’re disappointed with her behaviour and lack of consideration. Tell her when something is important to you and how you expect her to behave. She may not like that, but at least she knows your boundaries.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2024 23:42

Let her know you’re disappointed with her behaviour and lack of consideration. Tell her when something is important to you and how you expect her to behave. She may not like that, but at least she knows your boundaries.

If my SIL started talking like that to me, she'd never see me again. You can't change someone's behaviour, just how you react to it. So no waiting around, no special foods, no making accommodations. But don't tell her off!

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 31/03/2024 10:08

Op a lot of ppl telling you she's just thoughtless and not treating you like dirt which I do accept but I think she's crossed the line of just being thoughtless to treating you like dirt as you say, she may not mean it but the level of lateness and not turning up is awful and completely selfish to the point that I agree she treats you like dirt. You don't need to put up with it and you don't need to fall out. Don't make plans with her anymore. If she says she coming over to see you tell her you're not home. If she pulls you up on it tell her straight and dont be scared to speak up. Say what you got to say and carry on as if nothing has happened. Be more like the ppl who are driving you insane.. and don't give her a second thought.

BronzeAge · 31/03/2024 10:18

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2024 19:41

She is just different to you. You're making it about you because you have a script about how family is supposed to be. Hers is different.

The world is much easier when you just accept people as they are, and work around them. She's flakey, don't really on her. Job done.

This. She just prioritises her child’s routine, as some people do, and is bad at communicating she’s not coming/is late/whatever. Both times you describe her lateness, I’m assuming she would have had no idea that ‘looking out for her’ was so seriously inconveniencing you? Why didn’t you just go ahead with the ten year old’s party? I’d have called after half an hour to see if she was coming or not and then put it out of my head. And if you were stuck on the sofa after surgery, surely the possibility of her visiting wasn’t preventing other plans?

I appreciate unreliability is annoying, but as this is normal for her, surely the obvious response is to stop making time-sensitive plans with her, or you visit her? If she hasn’t shown up after x minutes, go about your day.

BronzeAge · 31/03/2024 10:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2024 23:42

Let her know you’re disappointed with her behaviour and lack of consideration. Tell her when something is important to you and how you expect her to behave. She may not like that, but at least she knows your boundaries.

If my SIL started talking like that to me, she'd never see me again. You can't change someone's behaviour, just how you react to it. So no waiting around, no special foods, no making accommodations. But don't tell her off!

Yeah. No need. Just don’t expect her/make time-sensitive plans involving her in future.

If feeling vengeful, hire a bagpiper to play under her child’s bedroom window during nap time?

JMSA · 31/03/2024 10:22

YANBU.

JMSA · 31/03/2024 10:22

And hope your recovery goes well! Flowers

ColleenDonaghy · 31/03/2024 11:35

She's not being awful or anything. She just prioritises her DC's routine - some parents need that, some DC need that. She also doesn't particularly prioritise you, but she probably has enough going on with her own family. Easier to work the relationship with the DC through the parents that are siblings rather than in-laws. I love my in-laws but I have zero interest in hanging out with them without DH.

Scottishshortbread11877 · 31/03/2024 13:20

Did she disrupt your plans though when she said she would call round? If your leg is in cast would it not be likely you would be on the couch regardless if she visited or not?

Concannon88 · 31/03/2024 13:23

@ShabbyChic999 not dirt, but next time she says she'll visit just say nah thanks, im all good

AmandaHoldensLips · 31/03/2024 13:28

Stop bothering with her. She clearly isn't bothered about you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/03/2024 13:28

Where’s your brother in all of this? Does she always visit alone or is he just as late as she is?

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 31/03/2024 13:36

I would find this infuriating. Maybe say you prefer her to let you know if there is a change of plan, other than that im not sure what you can do. I know some people like this they never seem to think there is a plan in the first place. I guess it comes down to what she is like at her house. Would she be warm and welcoming if you dropped in without notice or at a different time to what you said? If so then it's just the way she is, she doesnt make set plans or communicate and she expects you to be the same. If she is angry and annoyed you changed the time then she is being very selfish with her time and takes you for granted.