Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boyfriend cancelling plans with my family is out of order?

44 replies

WishingUponARainbow · 30/03/2024 18:02

Basically the title - we have agreed to go to my mum's for a roast tomorrow as it's (obviously) Easter, but whilst I was at work today OH messaged me to inform me his aunty has invited us round for a late lunch which he has decided to go to instead and would I be coming too?

Am I being totally unreasonable to be fucking livid?
This is now the 4th or 5th time he has cancelled plans with my family because he has had 'a better offer' and he is being totally ignorant to how rude he is being. My mum is already convinced he doesn't like them and now I am too.

His sister and husband will be there with their son and newborn baby so can understand wanting to see them - I would like to see them too. However why couldn't he say 'I've already agreed to XYZ so would it be okay if I came round a bit later to see you all' there is no compromise with him and I'm fucking sick of it.
It's fucking embarrassing having to turn up to plans again and make excuses for him because he'd rather do something else than spend a few hours with my family.

Currently in the bath stewing on whether to stay at my mums tonight in protest.

OP posts:
crumblepuppy · 30/03/2024 18:03

My DH used to do this. It’s just rude. I told him off many years ago and he did improve!

NevergonnagiveHughup · 30/03/2024 18:03

Never mind your mums for one night - it’s a permanent goodbye to BF you should be planning.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/03/2024 18:04

Ask him outright if he doesn't like your family or if he thinks it's OK to treat them like this.

Bear in mind, when you split up, if you have commitments ie kids, this is how he will continue to behave.

Emptyheadlock · 30/03/2024 18:04

He's really really rude.

I'd be embarrassed by him.

Rocknrolla21 · 30/03/2024 18:05

I hope you’re not planning on having kids with him, because his wants trump yours and he doesn’t really care what you think about it

CadyEastman · 30/03/2024 18:07

Are you living together?

Hatty65 · 30/03/2024 18:08

He's rude, and because he has got away with this several times he will continue to do it.

Personally I'd text back to say 'No I won't. We have already agreed to go to Mum's for lunch and I will still be going there. It is so rude for you to do this that I am embarrassed for you'.

I'd be dumping him, personally.

Mummame2222 · 30/03/2024 18:08

How do you expect to have a relationship with him when he’s so inconsiderate?

CruCru · 30/03/2024 18:09

Hatty65 · 30/03/2024 18:08

He's rude, and because he has got away with this several times he will continue to do it.

Personally I'd text back to say 'No I won't. We have already agreed to go to Mum's for lunch and I will still be going there. It is so rude for you to do this that I am embarrassed for you'.

I'd be dumping him, personally.

Honestly? It does sound like it’s time to give him the push.

Biggybigbiggles · 30/03/2024 18:11

What a selfish wanker.

Original poster
WishingUponARainbow · 30/03/2024 18:12

@CadyEastman yes we are

OP posts:
Original poster
WishingUponARainbow · 30/03/2024 18:12

@Hatty65 I said pretty much that to him and his response was 'surely they understand me wanting to see my family?'
Not when you have already committed to other plans you enormous arsehole!!

OP posts:
Tempnamechng · 30/03/2024 18:13

Yes its rude. Has he seen the baby before?
Is it a serious relationship?

LimeAnkles · 30/03/2024 18:13

Welcome to life with a dickhead.
It won't get any better.

Original poster
WishingUponARainbow · 30/03/2024 18:14

@Tempnamechng yes we saw them last Sunday when the baby was 4 days old.
He can't stand his sister otherwise and never wants to spend time with her. So it's all so hypocritical. (Which yes, I have said all of this to him but he's adamant he's doing nothing wrong).

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 30/03/2024 18:15

Appallingly bad manners! It was drummed into me from an early age that you stick to the first invitation that you accepted. Quite apart from the issue with your family, he is being very rude.

Original poster
WishingUponARainbow · 30/03/2024 18:15

@Tempnamechng and yes it's serious, we've been together 5 years and own a house together

OP posts:
questiona · 30/03/2024 18:16

Definitely rude and embarrassing (for him, not you). Especially if this has happened before.

It's a bit of an effort for DP to hang out with my parents (culture and personality clash) but he always shows up and does his best. Sometimes he needs to take an afternoon out if we're on a week-long holiday, which I think is totally fine but my parents don't love (they think he's avoiding them, which I find ridiculous, but then again they're not the most reasonable people). Your parents sound much more patient than mine, and one lunch should surely not be a problem for your OH!

Are there any similar reasons why he might be avoiding your family? Not that it makes canceling ok, but might explain why it's so difficult? Or is he literally just going for the "best" offer?

Iloveacurry · 30/03/2024 18:18

He’s being rude. You’re already had plans to visit your family.

CruCru · 30/03/2024 18:18

If you want to stay with him, it’s time to not include him in your family plans. Lovely holiday to the Greek islands? What a shame, he isn’t invited. Nice dinner in a smart restaurant? No, unfortunately he is not included.

Tell him that, as he keeps cancelling your family at short notice, it isn’t appropriate to keep inviting him to things.

Plus, you need to refuse invitations to his family’s things. He would really like you to come to XYZ’s party because he finds these things awkward? What a shame, you have other things to do.

Hatty65 · 30/03/2024 18:21

@WishingUponARainbow Well, you either tell him you've had enough and end the relationship or you are in for a lifetime of him dropping you, your family and your plans whenever he decides he can't be arsed, or he gets a better offer.

Can you imagine having kids with this bloke? Having a family day out planned, then his mates invite him for drinks in the pub instead. And you'll be dumped with the kids.

Raise your bar and get rid of this one. What would he do if you said, 'This is becoming a deal breaker for me. Once you've accepted an invitation you don't just drop out when you change your mind, you rude arsehole. I don't want to spend my life like this. Either wise up, and sort your shit out or we are done'.

Dearg · 30/03/2024 18:22

As much as I can well understand that he may not want to spend as much time as you do, with your family, he is being rude in how he goes about it.

If he commits to visiting your family, he shows up; if it’s not someth8ng he fancies, he says no thanks when invited.

He comes across as immature

PaminaMozart · 30/03/2024 18:25

WishingUponARainbow · 30/03/2024 18:15

@Tempnamechng and yes it's serious, we've been together 5 years and own a house together

Look - you can bail out now, when all you need to do is sell a house and internalize what the past 5 years have taught you.

Or do it 10, 20 years down the line, older, wiser, but with many more entanglements, including children.

Don't let the sunk cost fallacy and/or the desire to have a family propel you into a situation where you end up trapped.

muggart · 30/03/2024 18:57

That's really rude. I would have a right go at him. Your parents will have planned enough food for him.

Sparkletastic · 30/03/2024 19:02

Incredibly rude. I would ask him to honour your original plan. If he won't then you need to have a serious think about your future.