To not understand why people can't be more honest

[Tickdurpin]

So many people I know seem to think the kindest thing to do is ghost and/or make excuses if they aren't interested in someone.
The thing is, by doing this the rejected person is still going to understand you aren't interested, it's just going to waste a bit more of their time and possibly lead them on.
Aside from a small number of people who will react angrily, the majority of people aren't going to melt if you tell them you don't want a second date, don't want to take things further, don't see them in that way.
You don't have to be rude or mean about it. If you tell them you prefer to be friends/don't feel a connection or whatever then yes they'll be disappointed for a bit.
If you tell them you're busy/a lot going on/something came up/ghost. .. they will also get the message you aren't interested, however they might first take your 'busy" message at face value and try again later down the line/wait for you to get back in touch/analyse your message.

I just find it a bit sad that so many adults do this. About a year ago my friend was rejected by a colleague who made a big deal about how he doesn't date colleagues. 2 months later he was seeing a different colleague.

I just think if someone's taken the time chatting to you, meeting you for a date and so on then you need to not be so cowardly and actually be upfront.

Speaking from experience, about 3 months ago I got rejected for a second date by being told that that week was super busy for him, however he'd love to and so he'd let me know asap.
Apparently that was a rejection, however at the time I decided to take him at face value and did indeed wait for him to arrange the second date, except he never did.

Because not everyone has definite answers

'Do you want to go for a drink?'
'No I find you rude and ugly'

Do you really want true honesty

The thing is you really don't need to say someone's ugly or whatever. Just say 'no thanks '. That's all it takes.

Back when I was dating I did tell people it wasn't working for me.

I was called fat, a slag, some sent pages and pages of messages, one guy sent a balloon in a box to my bloody work. None took it particularly well.

I couldn't be arsed with the drama so did start ghosting people.

Maybe not the kindest thing to do, but it was less hassle for me.

I am sorry to hear that, I do understand from that point of view, they sound absolutely nuts, why a balloon in a box 🤔

Agree with ^ @InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow . The worst was when they used to BEG for a reason and then Completely flip out when you gave even a watered down half reason and start attacking you (verbally). I was very bemused until someone said men don't like rejection and they go on the attack if you do. It's very true!

People often say they want honesty when they don't.

People say they want to spare someone's feelings when what they really want is to spare themselves a difficult conversation or seeing the other person's hurt or anger.

I can see it from that point of view indeed. Once I turned someone down on a dating app, we hadn't even arranged a date or talked for very long and his response was to tell me I looked like a man. Why did you match with me in the first place then 🤣

Most people don't like conflict and will do anything to avoid it, which is not bad thing really.

I have no idea, it was a massive bloody box, a love heart balloon came flying out when I opened it, and it had a note asking me to reconsider another date. It was mortifying.

As @BunniesRUs said, they beg for a reason, and then when you give them a reason its not satisfactory, and they decide you're a lesbian or something.

But yeah, I guess part of dating is being aware that it may not work out and being prepared for rejection.

People dont like honesty in general, unless its so sugar coated to hardly even be honesty any more.

Yeah I understand that, but there are better ways of doing it I think. Like coming out with lame excuses simply delays the process, in my situation it just made me second guess and I actually did believe him and waited for him to arrange that second date, then wondered why his subsequent messages were cold and distant.

Several years ago I did that myself. I turned down a friend by telling him I wasn't looking for a relationship. He took that as not looking for a relationship right now and that there could be a chance in the future.
We hung out as friends, then when I did start dating someone he said, "So you were looking for a relationship then?"
I couldn't really argue with it and I lost his friendship after that sadly.

Oh come on, most people don't really want brutal honesty, they want a socially acceptable cliché rejection which is done in a way to preserve their pride

Ghosting someone is probably more "honest" than making up a bullshit reason why you aren't interested in the person

My friends have had similar experiences so now feel it’s often easier to not be honest or to just ghost.

There’s a lot of men out there who do not take rejection well. Some of their behaviour is very disturbing.

People should handle it however they feel is best and safest.

Would it matter if it's someone you met once from OLD Vs someone you already knew IRL?
In my instance it was people I already knew so maybe I expected more honesty

I once told someone (we'd been on a date) I wasn't interested in a relationship with him. He pestered me to meet up and talk. He wouldn't take no for an answer.

Unfortunately I had to see him once a week as we met through a hobby.

I suppose it's a case by case situation.
I can fully understand saying 'i'm not interested ' and then ghosting/blocking etc. Because you've been very clear. And indeed can understand that certain men react very badly.
I think it's just giving vague answers that suggests they may or may not be interested because it does leave the other person hanging.

I think it's just giving vague answers that suggests they may or may not be interested because it does leave the other person hanging.

If they’re interested in you and they’re worth dating, they’ll let you know they’re interested. They won’t be vague and won’t leave you hanging. If they’re doing that, they’re either not interested or would mess you around anyway.

Agreed 👍

they beg for a reason, and then when you give them a reason its not satisfactory

It's not just dating though - I've had it with events and meet ups.

Worst was a Mum friend she suddenly wanted my eldest for a sleep over my eldest not interested so polite no - kept on - so no my DD very young and doesn't want any sleep overs - kept on and on - started feeling harassed and whole thing weird started to avoid her then started getting extreme in avoiding her and our friendship cooled. I was saying no in as many ways as possible and not being listened to.

DH says same with his students and marks - there is published marked scheme - but there's a section who think the mark given is starting point in a negotiation.

I think ghosting can start when audience isn't listening to no - or the very subtle no's that are trying not to trigger negativity back on them. I personally find it confusing as ND and don't always pick up on the cues being given - so maybe and we musts are hard to navigated but being on receiving end of people trying to stream roll past very clear nos I do get why ghosting happens.

I think your first sentence is inaccurate, - sorry.

People don’t ghost etc because it’s the kindest thing to do, they do it because it’s the easiest.

They may tell themselves it’s being kind not to say what the real reason is, but I think sometimes it can be the cowards way out.

It’s sometimes easier to say nothing than try to think up a polite, kind excuse to send. I suspect it’s like forgetting to send a Thankyou card. The longer you delay doing the right thing, the easiest solution seems to be to do nothing at all.

I do fully understand ghosting/blocking when you've politely said no and they are rude or won't leave you alone. They've shown they don't deserve more.

I do fully understand ghosting/blocking when you've politely said no and they are rude or won't leave you alone. They've shown they don't deserve more.

My friend didn't as she'd done "nothing" and I only had to say no - ignoring all times I very clearly had.

Imgoingtobefree is right though for most people it's easiest for them to ghost and they don't care enough to be honest - they don't want to deal with any fall out from honesty.