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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Husband being unreasonable....

36 replies

Orla32 · 30/03/2024 06:32

Out for dinner last night at 'D'H's friends and their wives. Lovely evening.

Get home and continue to have a few drinks and a dance together as it's a rare child free night. When we sit down and start to chat...

I mention that I may take our DC out with one of the other wives and their DC in a couple of weeks following a conversation at dinner.. DH then (out of nowhere) says "oh I see, get close to the enemy". Confused, I asked what he was talking about and apparently he thinks there is a "connection" between me and one of his friends (this wife's husband).

There is no connection - I've certainly never felt one anyway. I have however always felt awkward around this particular friend as DH has always said I fancy him and he fancies me (totally unfounded and not true). In the past If ever I have spoke to this friend at functions DH will always interprupt and in some form or another make me leave the conversation- all extremely awkward and uncomfortable especially as I talk to all his friends!

Anyway, at dinner I intentionally only said hi and bye to this friend and avoided any conversation and didn't even look at him but yet DH still makes the comment re. friends wife.

I question him further and he starts saying he feels a connection there and perhaps he is "ahead" of me and his friend and we will likely feel it in the future if we don't now and it ended with him telling me to fuck off - which I did - to bed. He slept downstairs.

Is DH being unreasonable to continue to stop me having conversations with this friend and therefore making things feel awkward every time we go out with his mates?!! ... This friend must think I'm so rude as I'm super chatty with every but won't even look at him - it's so awkward and ridiculous.

OP posts:
Myopicglass · 30/03/2024 06:36

What conversation did he have with his friend about the ‘connection’?

Or does he just use his jealous stick to beat you?

How else is he jealous/controlling?

Myopicglass · 30/03/2024 06:38

Also Is he cheating? It’s common for cheaters to accuse others without justification. Judging you by their standards.

Whatatodo79 · 30/03/2024 06:40

He's being silly.

HungryandIknowit · 30/03/2024 06:41

Myopicglass · 30/03/2024 06:38

Also Is he cheating? It’s common for cheaters to accuse others without justification. Judging you by their standards.

I would be wondering about this.

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/03/2024 06:48

I wonder if at some point, the friend made a comment about you which your DH has taken to signify sexual interest in you, and you of course would at some point just go along with this man's desires if he wanted it Hmm. Very odd and I'd be very pissed off at the implication I'd be there for the taking of anyone who happened to fancy me.

There's more to it than he's letting on and, in the process, is being deeply unfair and insulting to you.

KalaMush · 30/03/2024 06:51

He is being completely unreasonable - surely there must be more to it than this? He must be able to give some reason for why he thinks this?

ilovelamp82 · 30/03/2024 07:05

My first instinct would be that he is cheating. My second would be that it might be the wife.

DustyLee123 · 30/03/2024 07:07

He’s controlling you. I’d go out of my way to speak to this friend personally.

ZipZapZoom · 30/03/2024 07:08

Myopicglass · 30/03/2024 06:38

Also Is he cheating? It’s common for cheaters to accuse others without justification. Judging you by their standards.

This was my first thought. It's very common for someone who is cheating to think others are also cheating as it means their behavior isn't wrong.

Even if he isn't cheating he sounds like a twat.

waftabout · 30/03/2024 07:23

ilovelamp82 · 30/03/2024 07:05

My first instinct would be that he is cheating. My second would be that it might be the wife.

This! Is he trying to keep you away from them for some reason?
@Orla32 do you want to put up with this behaviour? Poss cheating aside, he needs to STFU or I'd be binning him. It's horrible to feel under suspicion.

What's he like usually?

Original poster
Orla32 · 30/03/2024 07:40

Absolutely no reason as far as I am aware - he says it's his "intuition" and therefore he can't explain why he has the feeling... but senses a connection.

Not controlling at all under normal circumstances.

I've had no inclination that he is cheating and therefore wouldn't have a clue how to try and find out - other than ask him outright which'll obviously be a no. I certainly don't think it's with the wife - she's such a lovely person and her husband (the friend in question) has cheated on her before (before I was with DH) and so I don't think she would do anything like that.

So far I've ignored him since he woke about half hour ago - not sure how to approach the conversation this morning but I'm really unhappy about it. And as a PP has said - I could go out of my way to talk to him next time but I wouldn't want to make his wife feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
K37529 · 30/03/2024 07:58

I’d really struggle with this. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship and for whatever reason he doesn’t trust you. I can understand him not trusting the friend as he has cheated on his wife, but why does he not trust you?

Daleksatemyshed · 30/03/2024 08:11

If you like the DW and want to be friends then go for it, your DH's remark about getting close to the enemy would spur me on. I'm sorry but your DH's just being weird and jealous, I'd refuse to let him dictate who I could speak to.

Coconutter24 · 30/03/2024 08:17

Orla32 · 30/03/2024 07:40

Absolutely no reason as far as I am aware - he says it's his "intuition" and therefore he can't explain why he has the feeling... but senses a connection.

Not controlling at all under normal circumstances.

I've had no inclination that he is cheating and therefore wouldn't have a clue how to try and find out - other than ask him outright which'll obviously be a no. I certainly don't think it's with the wife - she's such a lovely person and her husband (the friend in question) has cheated on her before (before I was with DH) and so I don't think she would do anything like that.

So far I've ignored him since he woke about half hour ago - not sure how to approach the conversation this morning but I'm really unhappy about it. And as a PP has said - I could go out of my way to talk to him next time but I wouldn't want to make his wife feel uncomfortable.

How can he feel a connection if you can’t? He’s probably jealous of this friend. Is he ok with you talking to the other males in the group? I’d just talk to him normally if you are talking to everyone in the group why not him. You wouldn’t make his wife uncomfortable by having a chat with him unless you purposely was all over him to annoy your husband which wouldn’t be fair on the wife but just a chat in a social setting is fine.

PotatoPudding · 30/03/2024 08:19

It doesn’t sound like he’s having an affair or that he’s controlling. He has either seen some kind of spark between you or he knows something about this guy’s past that he doesn’t want to say.

You don’t need strangers on the internet to tell you he’s being unreasonable but he is going to have to deal with his insecurity and you’re going to have to reassure him.

Loubelle70 · 30/03/2024 08:19

ilovelamp82 · 30/03/2024 07:05

My first instinct would be that he is cheating. My second would be that it might be the wife.

Possibly

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2024 08:21

I would have understood getting close to the enemy to mean getting close to the woman he was having an affair with.

I don't know how you can put up with him though.

stophummingthecancan · 30/03/2024 08:22

Given your update I can see why he doesn't trust his friend. However unless there's a backstory and you've also cheated before, DHs accusation towards you is not acceptable. You need to discuss this calmly when you are both sober and inform him you can't live in an environment where you're under suspiscion.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/03/2024 08:23

K37529 · 30/03/2024 07:58

I’d really struggle with this. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship and for whatever reason he doesn’t trust you. I can understand him not trusting the friend as he has cheated on his wife, but why does he not trust you?

This. But your dh has also said theres nothing going on, he just thinks there will be in the future.

if be furious to be honest. He is ruining your night out deliberately. Is it to atop you going?

and ultimately, as others have said, after ten years of being on mumsnet, id be looking extremely closely at your husband.

3luckystars · 30/03/2024 08:23

He knows a bit more about this man than you do and maybe this man made some sort of comment also.

I don’t like the fact that he is taking this out on you, an innocent party though.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/03/2024 08:24

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2024 08:21

I would have understood getting close to the enemy to mean getting close to the woman he was having an affair with.

I don't know how you can put up with him though.

Id also assume he has his eye on this woman. What is he like with her?

sparkellie · 30/03/2024 08:26

He's a dick. Whatever his reason for not trusting his 'friend' (he isn't his friend if he thinks he's going to try and screw his wife), he should be bringing up with his friend, not you. It's nothing to do with you. I'd a) ask if he'd spoken to this friend about it and b) tell him you don't want to here about it again. If he continues in this vein I'd be telling him to fuck off until he can get his head around the whole thing.

FangsForTheMemory · 30/03/2024 08:29

I wonder if this guy is attracted to you and your husband has noticed it and you haven’t?

Didimum · 30/03/2024 08:30

You are both allowing this issue to fester by being rug swept. Him by continuing the passive aggressive, backhanded and sarcastic digs. And you by not putting your foot down and not accepting this behaviour from him. At the end of the day, this is an esteem, communication and trust issue — you are two married adults so need to pull yourselves up and sort this out.

You have the ability to demand he not treat you like this. If you’re such an untrustworthy partner, continually tempted and on the cusp of betrayal, then why is he with you anyway?

He is an adult who can address his grievances properly and not like a stropping teenager. If he has a problem with you he can come out, lay it bare and either accept what you say or not. If he has an issue with his friend, he can do the same.

He’s ‘ahead’ of you and you ‘don’t feel the connection yet’? Wishy-washy, made up bullshit. I would categorically not allow anyone to lay blame on me for their bizarre fantasies.

Bar any poor behaviour on your part (eg, flirting), it’s not up to you to fix his esteem and trust issue, and it’s certainly not on you to absorb them.

BigAnne · 30/03/2024 08:32

Orla32 · 30/03/2024 06:32

Out for dinner last night at 'D'H's friends and their wives. Lovely evening.

Get home and continue to have a few drinks and a dance together as it's a rare child free night. When we sit down and start to chat...

I mention that I may take our DC out with one of the other wives and their DC in a couple of weeks following a conversation at dinner.. DH then (out of nowhere) says "oh I see, get close to the enemy". Confused, I asked what he was talking about and apparently he thinks there is a "connection" between me and one of his friends (this wife's husband).

There is no connection - I've certainly never felt one anyway. I have however always felt awkward around this particular friend as DH has always said I fancy him and he fancies me (totally unfounded and not true). In the past If ever I have spoke to this friend at functions DH will always interprupt and in some form or another make me leave the conversation- all extremely awkward and uncomfortable especially as I talk to all his friends!

Anyway, at dinner I intentionally only said hi and bye to this friend and avoided any conversation and didn't even look at him but yet DH still makes the comment re. friends wife.

I question him further and he starts saying he feels a connection there and perhaps he is "ahead" of me and his friend and we will likely feel it in the future if we don't now and it ended with him telling me to fuck off - which I did - to bed. He slept downstairs.

Is DH being unreasonable to continue to stop me having conversations with this friend and therefore making things feel awkward every time we go out with his mates?!! ... This friend must think I'm so rude as I'm super chatty with every but won't even look at him - it's so awkward and ridiculous.

I think your husband had feelings for his friend's wife before he met you and he's angry that she didn't choose him.

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