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Original poster

tips/advice for getting over argument with personal nastiness about you?

38 replies

ADrownedRat · 29/03/2024 23:30

Just that really. I'm a bit of a dweller on things

so for example if someone says to me 'I've never met anyone as evil as you' rather than just dismiss it as their problem, I will ruminate on it, play the words over and over in my head, worry and worry about exactly why and how I am evil and worry about why they hate me so much.

If you've had an argument with someone who has been really nasty about you to your face (even if you know it's their agenda and problem) how do you get over it and treat it as the past and a thing of no consequence?

What happens to me is the nasty comments lodge in my brain and become a factor in continuing the constant downward slide of my already low self esteem.

how can I stop feeling shit about myself because of what they said and stop dwelling on it?

all advice welcome.

OP posts:
CommentNow · 29/03/2024 23:35

Sibling?

I remember the worst thing a person said to me because deep down i believed it too.

I got over it by remembering that I dont always think the most charitable thoughts and I dont socialise with mood hovers that dont know it's better to keep those thoughts in their head.

Original poster
ADrownedRat · 29/03/2024 23:40

Not a sibling. It's more a co-worker type situation but fortunately someone who very shortly I will never have to see again but I've cried buckets like a child. It's all sort of general character assassination stuff with enough generality to make you doubt yourself. Not this but as an example 'everyone thinks you are difficult to work with' or 'no one treats other people as badly as you do'.

Sort of manipulative stuff designed to get into your mind and worm away. Person is very manipulative and I know that but this was another level.
Feel so shit and know I will dwell and dwell and just want to be one of those people who go

they are an idiot, it's in the past, I've forgotten about it and move on to greener pastures.

if you are like that, what is your secret?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 29/03/2024 23:40

Think about whether you value them and their opinions. Would you go to them for guidance?

Original poster
ADrownedRat · 29/03/2024 23:42

Think about whether you value them and their opinions. Would you go to them for guidance?

@takealettermsjones not now obviously but in fact for work stuff I would have done! LOL. Thanks for the suggestion though.

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Fluffypiki · 30/03/2024 01:55

I have ADHD which means critics of any kind stays rent free in my head for YEARS.
Now I have a few little tricks to calm myself down.
First speak to a loved one (best being mum but if like me you have none DH will do) it will put your feet back on the ground, then take a look at who spoke to you as in compare yourself to them almost all the times ( seriously) you will realise they are miserable people and if calling you evil/stupid/fat makes them feel better let them have it, their life is hard and will probably be short.
And finally take a shower, wash them away.
This work quite well for colleagues/acquaintance, close friends I either let them know or I will cut them out (ADHD superpower).
Close family/DH, I will tell them straight away that it is hurtful, they know they crossed a boundary a will thank you later.

IDontHateRainbows · 30/03/2024 08:45

I had a step parent say something terrible to me in an argument and I did not react well at the time, leading to more shit/ them thinking themselves blameless because thd focus was then on my reaction.

Afterwards I realised that I'd let them shame me with what they said, this was something I'd felt ashamed of since childhood ( I'm neurodiverse) but actually why should I feel ashamed of who I am any more? So ironically it actually led to me being more accepting of myself.

I am no longer on speaking terms with them however.

Original poster
ADrownedRat · 30/03/2024 11:03

@Fluffypiki

I have ADHD which means critics of any kind stays rent free in my head for YEARS.

Is this a typical thing for ADHD particularly? I think lots of people are like this - remember the criticisms but not the positives. I read somewhere that it was a survival hardwiring - that you need to remember where danger/threat lies and this was a legacy of that.

Now I have a few little tricks to calm myself down.
First speak to a loved one (best being mum but if like me you have none DH will do) it will put your feet back on the ground, then take a look at who spoke to you as in compare yourself to them almost all the times ( seriously) you will realise they are miserable people and if calling you evil/stupid/fat makes them feel better let them have it, their life is hard and will probably be short.
And finally take a shower, wash them away.

I don't have anyone who loves me sadly and no DH or DP :( but I can see that's a good idea if you have that option. Check in with someone who will tell you that you are great.

In this case the person is quite two faced almost like an abuser really. They can be nice friendly and smiley to people and then very short and sullen with me. It's so black and white that I don't think anyone who just saw the nice smiley bit would believe it. I expect this is how women married to narcissists/psychopaths feel.

and if calling you evil/stupid/fat makes them feel better let them have it their life is hard and will probably be short.

I suppose that's the root of it. this was in the context of them wanting me to do something and me holding a boundary and saying no, so they then went on the attack. it was very hostile and upsetting. couldn't sleep for thinking about all the horrible stuff they said. makes me feel like everyone must hate me. on some level I know its not true but thats how I feel. sort of small and squashed and tense around them.

@IDontHateRainbows - thats good your self acceptance was a positive outcome. people are cruel I suppose in arguments.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 30/03/2024 11:12

the advice I would give is doing some work on yourself regarding rumination. There are plenty of resources on line including YouTube videos about caring less about what other people's opinions are. Also think about how ridiculous the other person comes across when they say things like (your examples):

'everyone thinks you are difficult to work with' or

'no one treats other people as badly as you do'.

it would be worth you finding your voice on both the above assertions with a good strong response such as:

who do they mean by everyone?
how can they possible know what "everyone" thinks?
don't they realise how ridiculous it makes them sound saying things deliberately designed to put you down. Just as well you're not taken in by their unwanted opinion etc.

daisychain01 · 30/03/2024 11:14

I don't have anyone who loves me sadly and no DH or DP

how about you think about loving yourself first. Then you don't need to rely on another person, who can often let you down.

Fluffypiki · 30/03/2024 11:33

Ha! I wish my DH will tell me I am great, most of the time speaking to a love one is also good because they will challenge you as in " why do that upset you?" Or " good you told him no, why you care what he thinks?" (Dh is very direct).
So listening to someone else perspective (who has no stake in the issue and knows you) will get you out of your head. Take the time to look within yourself.
Aren't you proud of yourself for standing your ground?
Also do you realise that this person's behaviour actually show that you have the upper hand? Showing anger and aggressivity show that they are cornered and weren't expecting you to be so strong so "you won" I know none of that will calm the anxiety and shock but please while it is ok to think about it, do not let them make you forget that you are strong, if you don't look after yourself who will?

Original poster
ADrownedRat · 30/03/2024 11:43

@daisychain01 both very good pieces of advice I wish they could register with me somehow. my self esteem is in the garbage and this hasn't helped.

it would be worth you finding your voice on both the above assertions with a good strong response such as:

who do they mean by everyone?
how can they possible know what "everyone" thinks?

I think this was the problem with this person that if I was trying to assert boundaries by responding to the attack this caused them to escalate more and be more nasty.

Some of it was more cleverly done rather than 'everyone' was more "I have never had to deal with someone as difficult to work with as you" which really gets in your head.

OP posts:
Original poster
ADrownedRat · 30/03/2024 11:47

@Fluffypiki

Also do you realise that this person's behaviour actually show that you have the upper hand? Showing anger and aggressivity show that they are cornered and weren't expecting you to be so strong so "you won" I know none of that will calm the anxiety and shock but please while it is ok to think about it, do not let them make you forget that you are strong, if you don't look after yourself who will?

This is a very interesting way of looking at it. Although I did get angry too so maybe the same applies to me

OP posts:
Original poster
ADrownedRat · 30/03/2024 14:22

anyone got any other advice please?

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Andtheworldwentwhite · 30/03/2024 14:24

I wish I knew. My son Called me a bitch and told me to fuck off a few months ago. And has not spoken to me since. I didn’t do anything wrong ( I really didn’t ) I think he is regretting it now. But even if he came to talk to me I would have a hard time letting it all go as some of the stuff he said and messaged me was just horrible.

BronzeAge · 30/03/2024 14:27

Forget the other person or the specifics of what they said. Your focus should be on yourself, building a stronger sense of self, working on your self-esteem. The other person and their behaviour isn’t the issue here — we all encounter unpleasant critical people as we go through life. Your issue is that your sense of self is so weak that you give their opinion too much weight.

StormingNorman · 30/03/2024 14:29

The only thing that’s ever worked for me is addressing the comment to the person at the time. It gives me closure and I can move on from it. Otherwise it live rent-free in my head forever.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/03/2024 14:31

Regular cardio enables your brain on a cognitive level to put stuff in the fuck it bucket. So go to Zumba or something.

Try and take the heat out of what they've said and reflect - do they have a point?

Trickabrick · 30/03/2024 14:37

You may well be the most difficult person they’ve worked with but that doesn’t mean you’re the problem. Maybe you’re the first person that has stood up to them and they’re lashing out because they’re not used to that reaction, maybe they have low emotional intelligence and resort to nasty remarks as they can’t vocalize what they really feel, maybe they get off on being horrible to someone they perceive as weaker than them?

SummerGardener · 30/03/2024 14:57

I had a manager at work say some really nasty things to me.

Ironically they were so horrible that I knew they were only saying them to get rid of me.

It actually made me stronger and determined to fight, and when they denied saying it all months later I was even more sure they were the issue, not me.

Lilydolly1981 · 30/03/2024 15:08

This.....is me. I'm a total nightmare to myself after nasty comments may have surfaced in an argument or heated conversation. I will go over the conversation in my head numerous times and it'll drive me crazy.
Part of the issue for me, is I'm generally really careful what I say to others, even when I'm mad, so I struggle with why others can be so careless with the things they say.
Thing is, if you know you're a good person on the whole, then you have to teach yourself to mentally push mean comments away (definitely not always easy, I know). People will say stuff sometimes; sometimes because it's in the heat of the moment, or maybe they do actually think what they say. Either way, we can't force people to see our good, and not everyone is the same in how they manage a situation.
Perspective is key - even if someone does have a negative view of you, so be it. Nobody is perfect and we all have our faults. When we accept that, things become a little lighter x 🙂

Original poster
ADrownedRat · 30/03/2024 20:09

@BronzeAge

Your issue is that your sense of self is so weak that you give their opinion too much weight.

This is brilliant. Even though you are right and my self esteem is so low, just reading that helps.

Brilliant.

OP posts:
Original poster
ADrownedRat · 30/03/2024 20:11

@Andtheworldwentwhite sorry to hear your son spoke to you like that. how heartbreaking. people can be very nasty sadly. sometimes people say terrible things to family they know love them because they know the person will still love them and they can take out their anger with the world/others on a close loved one.

Doesn't make it hurt less though or make it acceptable.

hugs to you.

OP posts:
BronzeAge · 30/03/2024 20:18

ADrownedRat · 30/03/2024 20:09

@BronzeAge

Your issue is that your sense of self is so weak that you give their opinion too much weight.

This is brilliant. Even though you are right and my self esteem is so low, just reading that helps.

Brilliant.

What I’m trying to say is that their comments weigh so heavily with you only because you don’t attach enough weight to yourself, your actions, attitudes, preferences.

I bet when you approach a social gathering when you’ll be encountering new people you are much more focused on whether they’ll like you than on whether you’ll like them.

You need to learn to counter this, and to centre yourself in your own life. As it is, you’re like an object that isn’t securely balanced on its own centre of gravity, so that any passing breeze makes it topple over.

Original poster
ADrownedRat · 30/03/2024 21:36

@BronzeAge

What I’m trying to say is that their comments weigh so heavily with you only because you don’t attach enough weight to yourself, your actions, attitudes, preferences.

I understood what you meant and you are right. underlying that not attaching enough weight to myself is low self esteem.

you are right about social gatherings. I'm sure a person with high self esteem and who values themself doesn't approach new interactions on that basis.

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IDontHateRainbows · 30/03/2024 21:53

It's human nature to care what others think about us. Whilst the advice on this thread is good, I don't think it's only those with low self esteem who'd find negative comments from others hurtful.

It also depends how close you were/ how well you thought you knew them.

Someone who you thought had your back and cared for you is different to someone on the periphery of your life who you don't know or care about so much